


The Spectre of Freedom

by KananOrgana



Series: Another Brick in the Wall [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alcoholism, Antifa AU, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Kanan is a hopeless mess, Kanan needs a BIG hug or 10, Luke/Ezra is kinda lowkey rn but they will make a full appearance in a couple of chapters, M/M, PTSD, Road Trip, So is kaeden/ahsoka, apparently actions have consequences, criminal Hera, implied sex, implied sort of high sex, modern college au, musician kanan, rock bottom drinking, tear gas, the kalluzeb is VERY background, youth in revolt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:01:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22641478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KananOrgana/pseuds/KananOrgana
Summary: Rebels (with some OT and PT characters thrown in) modern college au. Kanan’s just getting by as a college student and bartender when he meets a fiery RA who spends most of her free time trying to find ways to stick it to the government as a part of Antifa. Before long, Kanan finds himself getting pulled into the world of revolt just to get closer to Hera, but both find a hell of a lot more than either of them bargained for.
Relationships: Alexsandr Kallus/Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, Ezra Bridger/Luke Skywalker, Hera Syndulla/Original Female Character(s), Kaeden Larte/Ahsoka Tano, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Series: Another Brick in the Wall [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653601
Comments: 24
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

The Hill was a lively bar nearly in the center of Cambridge, a large college town. It was by far the most popular spot among Hill Valley University students, even on weeknights. The bar boasted a large number of tables, some private rooms, and the friendliest bartenders in the state. It had been a staple in Cambridge for decades and was run by a jovial older man named Jho, who’d inherited the establishment from his late father. 

Kanan Jarrus sighed as he made his way inside to begin his shift. For the most part, he loved his job. Easy money, more tips than he could need, good food, and a steady supply of booze made it the perfect job for the 24-year-old sophomore. That, and a long line of attractive patrons that made perfectly suitable nightly companions. He clocked in and started wiping down the bar before pouring himself the first of his five nightly shots. Always five. 

The bar had already started to fill with students fresh out of class and as far as he could tell, it would be a relatively uneventful evening. He glanced at the TV as a segment aired about a student who’d died in a protest a week earlier. The girl seemed familiar, he was sure he’d seen her in The Hill on more than one occasion, but he flipped to a basketball game before he could catch her name. 

All he knew for sure was that the girl’s death had caused a great deal of unrest on campus and feeding into it was the last thing he wanted. 

“Poor kid. Did you know her?” Jho asked, pouring a few shots of whiskey for a group of students at a booth. 

“Nope. Saw her here a few times, though.”

“Yeah. Watch out for her brother. He came in the night after and Wedge had to drag him out because he got a little too drunk. If he comes in tonight, cut him off after three.”

“Got it, boss.”

Kanan knocked back his second shot and took orders. Most were regulars he’d become fairly familiar with, and for the most part, they offered good conversation. 

One girl, Kanan was sure she was pre-med, leaned over the bar to get closer to him for some superficial conversation he really wasn’t in the mood for. She motioned for him to follow her to the restroom and he did—once he downed this third shot. He had his coworker Zeb take over. 

“Break.”

Zeb nodded, not even bothering to hide his smirk. 

He walked out fifteen minutes later and hopped back behind the bar as if he’d never been gone. It was pretty typical of Kanan’s work nights. Take his first few shots waiting for someone willing to hook up, go in the single restroom or sometimes in the back room, then back to work. Jho never seemed to care so long as Kanan got his work done and didn’t get too drunk, which wasn’t an issue, as Kanan had developed quite the tolerance over the years. 

He knocked back his fourth and fifth shots an hour before last call and got to business wiping down the bar and washing glasses. He collected his tips, tossed his apron on his hook, and slipped out the back as Zeb closed up. 

He wished he’d brought a jacket. The wind had picked up considerably since he’d gotten to work and since his apartment was only two blocks away, he’d just walked. 

He noticed a small group of three or four stapling posters to telephone poles, some with the face of the girl who’d died with “REMEMBER HER NAME” in large block letters. Another said “Steela” and Kanan vaguely recalled it being the girl. Some posters sported the hammer and sickle, others the red and black flag ANTIFA logo. 

“Great,” he said under his breath. He’d seen plenty of coverage of the group on the news and in the papers, especially following their clash with far-right protestors in the previous weeks.   
Stupid, Kanan thought. Hill Valley U was already fairly liberal-leaning, and the only reason the far-right had any real presence, from what Kanan could tell, was because it was the largest school in the region. If these guys really wanted to take a stance against them, coming out in droves with masks and chants was the worst course of action. 

Although, Kanan did have to give credit where it was due. The leftist protestors sure seemed to know a thing or two about organizing and effective counter-protesting. Kanan fully supported the first amendment, even if half the people that exercised it were idiots. He wouldn’t go so far as to say that’s what he’d fought for as a soldier—he was smarter than that and he’d never bought into the “the army fights to protect your freedom” bullshit. And having been on the other side, he knew that wasn’t what it was about. 

Protests were fine, but militant protests were something else entirely, and part of Kanan wondered if they even knew what would happen if the army decided to get involved. He shrugged as he made his way up to his apartment. There was really no sense in worrying about it now. College kids hellbent on the idea that they’ll change the world were everywhere, and Hill Valley was certainly no exception. 

Kanan dropped his backpack on the floor next to his desk before heading to the kitchen to grab a soda. Once again, he’d procrastinated on his homework for far too long and he had to pull two essays out of his ass by one the next afternoon. Definitely something Kanan was used to and not a particularly large feat, but one he hated all the same. He checked his phone for the first time all night--Kanan hated phones and absolutely despised texting, so he only made the effort when it came to his younger brother, Ezra.

Like Kanan, Ezra was adopted. Though while Ezra had known his birth parents, Kanan did not. He didn’t mind, though. The woman who adopted the boys was more than either could’ve hoped for, especially to Kanan, who’d spent his first thirteen years bouncing around from foster home to foster home with a few group homes thrown into the mix. 

Depa Billaba was a teacher, though she had come from a relatively wealthy family. Providing for her sons was never an issue. Both boys had beyond their fair share of issues, but she worked to help them adapt and grow in every possible way and Kanan was extremely thankful for that. Though that didn’t include properly dealing with the issues that followed him from the Army; that wasn’t Depa’s fault, however. Kanan had been very cautious when it came to revealing things about his time in the service. As far as his mother knew, his only scars were physical. 

Ezra: I need alcohol.  
Kanan: Only way I’m giving you booze is if you’re drinking at my place. You know the rules. And if your RA finds any in your dorm, you’re screwed.  
Ezra: You suck. Can I come by this weekend, then?  
Kanan: Sure, kid. See you then.

Kanan tossed his phone onto his bed and pulled his laptop out of his bag. Bullshitting essays was his specialty, but literary analysis assignments were hands-down his least favorite kinds. So, of course, that’s exactly what he needed to do. Half of him wished he was back in the Army just so he wouldn’t have to do shit like that, but the baggage that came with being in the military was another issue entirely. 

He pulled a piece of leftover pizza out of the fridge and let it hang from his mouth as he got to work on why Ayn Rand sucked ass and flat out stated that he would not be impartial in his analysis. His English professor was lax enough to possibly let him get away with it, but even if she didn’t, Kanan figured he had a good enough grade to make do.

Kanan sighed and chewed thoughtfully with his fingers hovering over his keyboard. He wasn’t going to be starting anything any time soon--he knew himself better than that. He reached for the Sartre piece his philosophy class was going to start covering the next week when his phone rang.

“I’m not supplying alcohol to a minor during the school week, Ezra.” He said pointedly.

“That’s not why I’m calling.”

Kanan chuckled.

“Then why are you disturbing my focus session?”

“You and I both know that’s not happening and that you’re not even actually going to start on your homework till at least midnight, so don’t give me that.” Ezra laughed. “But I do have a question.”

“Shoot,” Kanan took another bite of pizza.

“Do you know Luke Skywalker?” Kanan frowned.

“I know of him and I know his sister’s in SGA. Their dad’s a big-name general, too. But other than that, no. It’s a big campus, kid. Why?”

“See, the thing is…” Ezra began. Kanan rolled his eyes. “My old partner in organic chemistry dropped the class, so now I’m working with him.”

“Word of advice: don’t get involved with someone you have to work with.”

“You’d know.” Ezra laughed. “But he’s cute and he’s really funny and smart--well, sometimes. Anyway, I would take your advice, but…”

“Either you have no common sense or you’ve already gotten involved with him. Probably both.” Kanan twirled his desk chair around and examined his thumbnail.

“I haven’t done anything with him yet because I don’t move at the speed of light like some people.”

“Hey,” Kanan found himself taking particular offense at that. “You have your ways and I have mine. What do you want to know about the kid, anyway?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure he’s gay. But that’s it.”

“Well, Ezra, I’ll give you my foolproof advice when it comes to scouting out potential partners. Take notes because I’m not repeating myself.” He stifled a laugh when he heard Ezra actually shuffling around on the other end of the line because of course he was. “All right, you ready?”

“Ready.”

Kanan paused for a moment before a shit-eating grin plastered itself across his face.

“Ask him.” He heard Ezra slam his pencil down.

“You suck, Kanan.”

“That’s what older brothers are for. Now I really do have to go, I have an essay and like three analysis pieces on Sartre’s existentialism.”

“Thanks for your invaluable help.” Ezra grumbled before ending the call. Kanan laughed to himself and flipped the Sartre book open before settling into a more comfortable position and reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG thank you to dixu-chan on Tumblr for letting me use Edon'Rawu for this!

“NO!” Saw Gerrera slammed his fist on the table, earning a fair share of stares in the coffee shop. “There is going to be a memorial to Steela, university-sanctioned or not. It shouldn’t even fucking matter what they say, they share the blame in her death.”

“I agree with you, Saw, but we need to boost our numbers. Alex said it’s looking like the far right are organizing another event in hopes that they’ll catch us off guard, and we cannot let that happen.” Hera Syndulla crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. Her platinum blonde hair, dyed green about halfway down, sat in braids handing over both shoulders. She studied photos from the previous clash--she hesitated to call it an outright riot--on her laptop. 

“Kallus is a fucking pig and he shouldn’t have any say in any of what we do in the first place.” Saw spat.

“Alex is a pig, yeah, but he’s given us lots of valuable intel. Like it or not, we need a man on the inside to give us any advantage we can get.” A younger girl, maybe twenty, with short purple hair rolled her eyes. “Look, I hate corresponding with a cop as much as anyone, but without him, we’d be three steps behind those damn Nazis. We need all the help we can get.”

“Sabine’s right,” an older woman with red, white, and blue dreads nodded. “The right is winning the numbers game right now. And until we can at least meet their ranks, we need any help we can get.”

“The police killed Steela, Ahsoka. Do none of you understand that?!” Saw roared. The barista tried shushing him but he only rolled his eyes.

“Saw, we don’t know that.” Hera said quietly. “They weren’t the only ones armed at that rally.”

“Maybe it wasn’t their bullet that hit her. But they aren’t investigating it. Whoever killed her is going to get away with it because the cops aren’t doing a damn thing.” Saw stood abruptly and swung his backpack over his shoulder. “If you want to work with class traitors and murderers, be my guest. But I will have no part of it.”

The rest of the table watched as he stormed out of the coffee shop. He ran directly into a man on the sidewalk, and Hera half-expected a fight, but the man simply raised his hands to his shoulders and side stepped before continuing on his way.

“Whatever the case, I do want to organize a fundraiser for Steela’s memorial. Leia said the SGA was barred by the administration from participating, which will come as a shock to absolutely no one. I’m thinking we throw a house show with Ryder’s band as a headliner. They usually do pretty well.” Hera said, sipping her coffee. Ahsoka and Sabine nodded. “We can talk more tomorrow. Shop’s about to close.”

The women dispersed. Ahsoka headed toward the student apartments while Sabine and Hera headed toward the dorms. Hera was a Resident Assistant, a job she took very seriously, and Sabine was one of her residents. It’s how she’d been recruited.

“So, Hera,” Sabine grinned and skipped ahead, “how are things going with Edon?”

Hera chuckled and pulled out her phone to check for any messages from her girlfriend.

“Pretty well. She’s been working on clinicals every night this week so I haven’t really seen her too much.” No messages. Odd, but Hera didn’t think anything of it. She slipped her phone into her pocket. Sabine broke off to go work on some art project she’d been talking about that Hera hadn’t paid particularly close attention to. For a November evening it was surprisingly warm; thanks, destruction of the planet. 

Hera decided to take some time to work on her old Jeep, which she’d lovingly dubbed “Ghost”, and only partially due to its old age. The Ghost ran incredibly well considering it didn’t have a single original part remaining. Working on the vehicle was easily Hera’s favorite form of stress relief and she took great pride in it. 

Once she made it to the car, Hera pulled her bag of tools from the backseat and settled on some Joan Jett for a maintenance playlist. Though she didn’t get very far; about five minutes into her tinkering, she heard a car door close and the next thing she knew, a bright flashlight was being shone in her face.

“What are you doing out so late?” 

Hera squinted through the light and sized up the tubby campus police officer. She was almost certain this particular one had given her trouble at the protest that had resulted in Steela’s death. She weighed her options. On the one hand, she was paying entirely too much to attend this school and should very well be able to do what she damn pleased. On the other, she knew she needed to keep her head low, at least until after Steela’s memorial.

“Working on my car.” She said shortly.

“At 9:58 on a Monday night?” The cop raised an eyebrow.

“Yup. Wanna make sure she’s in order before I have to drive to a class at the west side campus.”

“Let me see some identification.”

Hera rolled her eyes and pulled her driver’s license out of her wallet and handed it over roughly.

“Well, Ms. Syndulla, I’m going to have to encourage you to get home. Never know what kind of person you’ll find out at this hour.” The cop said. Hera frowned and scrunched up her nose. Yeah, like a creepy pig. She took her license back, threw her tool bag back into her Jeep, then made her way to her dorm.

Hera knew there was a time and place for starting shit with cops, and alone at 10 P.M. in a secluded part of the student parking lot was neither the time nor place. She sighed and pulled her phone out to check her messages.

Edon: Leia’s been looking for you. So have I lol

Hera: I’ll be in my room in ten.

She stuffed her phone into her back pocket and started the uphill trek to the dorms. If she was lucky, none of her residents would need her tonight, but Hera knew better than to hope for that. She seemed to have been given all the students that, for lack of any better description, needed a mother at school. Hera didn’t really find any issue in this; she’d always been a helpful and nurturing kind of person, but she never really had any “off” nights.

Judging by the unusually high number of residents running around the Marlowe hall courtyard, tonight definitely would not be an off night. She narrowly avoided two collisions on her way through the entrance.

“Sorry, Hera!” Called one boy that wasn’t on Hera’s floor, but she knew him well enough from having schedules that landed them in the dining hall on a frequent basis. Edon sat in the main lobby of Marlowe reading the university newspaper. The front page showed a small picture of Steela Gerrera with the headline “Hill Valley Senior Dies in Tragic Accident”. Hera rolled her eyes. It had been anything but an accident and the article didn’t even reference the protestors’ clash with police; as expected, the university was doing all it could to cover up any evidence of unrest.

Edon noticed Hera, lit up, and tossed the paper on the table.

“Hey, I feel like I haven’t seen you in a week,” She said, hugging Hera. That’s because you haven’t, Hera thought.

“I--”

“Yeah, yeah, Hera, we need to head up to your room, I have some stuff to tell you.” A short, brown-haired woman interrupted. Leia Skywalker, youngest student body president in university history, somehow even more involved in extracurricular activities than Hera, and proud know-it-all that had absolutely no reservations about using her knowledge of other languages to intimidate people.  
“Good to see you, too, Leia,” Hera laughed and tried ignoring Edon’s glare. The trio made their way toward the elevator, Leia hit the fourth floor button and crossed her arms. 

“I actually have a bit of studying for an exam tomorrow,” Edon said, quickly hitting the button to the third floor, “I’ll text you.” She pecked Hera on the cheek before slipping through the door.

“What was that all about?” Leia asked once the doors closed again.

“She’s not very fond of me doing you-know-what, especially since what happened to you-know-who. She’ll get over it.” Probably not.


	3. Chapter 3

Kanan exhaled as he wiped down the bar. Business was unusually slow for a Friday night, though he was tired enough that he didn’t particularly care. Staying up until three in the morning with “activities” then having to walk all across town to get home tended to take its toll. He was about to pour himself a shot when a girl, maybe a year or two younger than him, with completely green hair done in a couple of braids hanging over her shoulders made her way up to the bar. 

Kanan had seen her there before, but she rarely--if ever--actually ordered for herself. He raised an eyebrow at the little red star hammer and sickle pin on her jacket, but slid his shot glass aside, cracked his knuckles, and leaned over the bar. But he didn’t say anything; he couldn’t. So he sat there with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open. 

“Hello? You speak English?” The girl raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. Kanan’s only visible response was him essentially gaping like a fish at the sound of Hera’s voice.

“Um…”

“Français? Sorry, those are the only two I know, so you’re going to have to pick one.”

“E-English.” Kanan stammered. He steeled himself and smiled, “Or Persian if I’m feeling like a show-off.” He cleared his throat and winked. “Having a good night, babe?”

“Don’t call me babe. I hate that. And yes, that includes ‘baby’. And anyway, being a bouncer would make you think you’d know how to actually hit on someone, but apparently not.” Kanan counted at least two eye rolls and he laughed. She looked like she was about to pull her hair out.

“The name’s Kanan,” He chuckled.

“Hera.” A forced smile.

“But the pleasure’s all mine.” He grinned. “What can I get for you?”

“I have a girlfriend, by the way, so it’s not gonna happen. Aren’t you a bouncer, anyway?” Hera still seemed to be making an effort to look anywhere but in Kanan’s direction.

“Sometimes. Usually I’m behind the bar.” He said, pulling a couple of glasses up from under the bar, making a concerted effort to ignore the first half of what Hera’d said.

Hera hummed and ordered a rum and coke and mojito, but when she reached for her money, Kanan stopped her.

“On the house. Besides, if your little hammer and sickle pin has any say, you can’t participate in capitalism anyway.” He smirked. 

“There is no ethical consumption under capitalism, therefore I can.” She said plainly, tossing a few bills onto the bar, the movement shifting her jacket just enough to reveal an Antifa pin.

“So, what, you’re some Antifa leader, too?” Kanan asked with wide eyes. Hera laughed. “And you’re not very subtle about it, either.”

“Antifa has no structure, no leadership. It’s pretty much a matter of there being a protest and people showing up. My friends and I are organized, but we don’t claim any sort of authority. We just want to organize as many fuck-yous to the government as possible. Rebels with a cause within a cause. But maybe I just like the pin, doesn’t mean I’m affiliated in any way.” 

“But I’m pretty sure you are. You’re an anarchist?” Kanan propped his chin up with his hand.

“Not really. I think anarchism is just pure chaos. If I had to be specific I’d call myself a Marxist-Leninist with a big hard-on for antifascist shenanigans.” 

“So what’s the deal with the green hair?”

Hera raised an eyebrow. “What’s with the goatee?”

Kanan laughed and self-consciously rubbed it.

“What’s that?” He nodded toward a flier in Hera’s left hand. 

“Passing out fliers about this protest up at the Capitol next week...Actually, here. Take one.”

“I don’t do protests.” Kanan shook his head and wiped down the bar again, this time making an effort to avoid Hera’s gaze.

“Too bad. You’re doing this one. What’s your stance on abortion, by the way?” Hera slid the flier into his hand. Or, rather, the fist resting on the bar. Kanan shook his head and stuffed it into his pocket.

“It’s none of my business.”

“Good. There’s a local satellite protest tomorrow, if you want to stop by. Be at the quad at three.” Hera smiled.

“Hey, babe, what’s taking so long?” A woman with silverish light blonde hair walked up behind Hera, placed a hand on the small of her back and took the mojito. Hera barely hid a cringe.

“Oh, nothing.” Hera glanced at Kanan from the corner of her eye. 

“Then come on.” Edon tugged Hera away. Kanan gave a soft smile and wave as she left. 

She followed Edon back to their table and Edon had already launched herself into another conversation with her friend, which was why Hera’d left in the first place. She sighed and pulled out her phone to text Ahsoka. 

Hera: I think I found a new recruit. 

“Hera, come on.” Edon shoves Hera’s phone down. “I think Ahsoka can survive for five minutes without you.” 

Edon hadn’t seen Leia’s massive eye roll, but Hera certainly did. 

“Speaking of, have you guys planned anything new?” Leia asked, playing with a napkin. 

“Could we maybe not talk about that stuff right now?” Edon said. Leia exhaled loudly and stood up. 

“I’m getting a drink.” She walked up to the bar, handed over her ID, and ordered a shot of tequila. Kanan cocked an eyebrow but didn’t comment. Leia knocked the drink back without a hint of a grimace and Kanan smirked.

“So what’s the deal with Green Queen Anarchy?” He asked, drying a glass. Leia pinched her nose and didn’t bother suppressing her groan.

“I’m not even going to dignify that lack of effort with a response.” She sighed. “And she’s been with her girlfriend for years now so I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you.”

“So she’s not a lesbian?” He said hopefully.

“No, but you’re also not her type, like, at all, and then there’s the whole part you’re ignoring about her being in a monogamous relationship…”

Kanan shrugged. “Doesn’t seem like a particularly happy one to me. She always looks down when they’re here together. So either she hates bars, which I doubt, because she’s one of the most frequent regulars, or--”

“Drop it. It’s not going to happen.” Leia said, setting the shot glass back on the bar. Kanan couldn’t pin down her tone, though. He nodded and turned to take another order, but Leia leaned toward him. “But between you and me, you’d be one hell of an improvement.” She slid a 10 onto the bar and made her way back to her table. 

Kanan watched, mouth slightly agape. He shook his head and recovered and put the money in the register, completely forgetting about taking out his tip.

###

Kanan pulled Hera’s flier out of his pocket after finishing up with closing up the bar. He really didn’t do protests--especially ones that had an explicit goal to start shit. But being a part of this one was essentially a guarantee for another encounter with Hera, and more than likely, without her girlfriend being involved. 

Not that Kanan was keen on being “the other person”. He was sure he had been at some point, but never with him explicitly knowing. But Hera seemed like an intriguing person in or out of a relationship, and while he couldn’t deny that he wouldn’t jump at a chance with her, he wasn’t sure he’d mind if things stayed platonic. 

Kanan hadn’t paid too much attention to the recent protests on campus, but he did recall the Antifa half all dressed in black with masks. A little dramatic, in Kanan’s opinion, but he really wasn’t a stranger to the idea of a unified force, so he slid into his car and headed to Walmart.

Hell, could he even be a real protestor by buying shit from Walmart of all places? He sighed and decided he didn’t really care. It was all for appearances anyway and it was the only place open at two in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, Hera found herself back at The Hill with Edon and Leia, though this time they were accompanied by Leia’s twin brother, Luke, and Sabine. Before opening the door, they heard loud music, so some band was probably playing again. Leia bit back a smile, knowing full well that Kanan’s band was scheduled for that night.

And they were good; Jho had all but named them the resident band of The Hill. Kanan sang and played rhythm guitar, they had a blue-haired guy on lead guitar, a particularly huge purple-haired guy on drums who also worked as a bouncer, and a blonde peach fuzzy-type guy on bass. They pretty much only did covers and no one could recall them ever playing an original. 

Hera thought their name was particularly stupid, however. Lothwolves, and she had no doubts about which band member had chosen the name. As they walked in, the band was in the middle of a Beck cover because of course they were. Kanan’s gaze drifted toward the entrance and he didn’t bother hiding his smirk when his eyes landed on Hera, clearly getting an idea. He became noticeably more animated with the bar’s newest additions. Cheesy as he was, Hera couldn’t deny that he seemed to be having a good time on the stage.

The song ended and Kanan pulled the rest of the band into a huddle. Purple laughed and Blue seemed to groan, but everyone nodded and started tuning their instruments. Kanan smiled and made his way back toward the microphone. He scanned the crowd, pausing on Hera for a moment, then winking before launching into the next song. Luke immediately choked back a laugh when he realized what they were playing. Hera vaguely recognized it as a 5 Seconds of Summer song, which really didn’t surprise her, but she’d never really taken the time to listen to them, so she regarded the Skywalker twins suspiciously. Leia’s eyebrows were fully raised and she’d pursed her lips. Edon, on the other hand, was far from amused as Kanan kept steady eye contact with Hera while belting lyrics about leaving a shitty relationship.

Leia found herself entirely too amused by the situation, as it had been Edon’s idea to come in the first place; she always suggested going whenever Kanan’s band played. And she had to give it to Kanan for clearly not giving a shit and being somehow even cockier and more daring in the face of certain rejection.

“He definitely sweet talked Jho into letting his band play here just so he could get laid.” Edon said after the song ended. “He’s always leaving with girls or he’s literally fucking them on his breaks. I don’t know how he gets away with it.”

At least he’s getting laid, Hera thought.

“Mmh, no, I’ve seen him with guys, too.” Leia said, sipping her drink. Typically she wouldn’t have argued on such a minute point, but she’d never been a fan of Edon and didn’t do much to hide it. “He’s cocky, and while I do think that’s kind of hot, he also has every reason to be. He’s a damn good musician. He is a bit of an optimist, though.”

“Nice voice, too.” Sabine added, making her way over to the stage to toss a dollar into the band’s tip box. The blue-haired guitarist smiled, but Sabine avoided his gaze.

“Are we ignoring that he’s also a Greek god? Anybody? Seriously, who cares if he’s a man whore. Look at him.” Luke piped in. Leia swatted the back of his head.

“None of that matters,” Hera rolled her eyes, “he saw my red star and didn’t make some asinine comment about communism, so he could be relatively well-versed in theory, at least on the outside. Or at least be open to it. I tried getting him to come to the next protest, but he said that wasn’t his thing. I think we can change that. We need to work on recruiting him.”

“And only one of us will get anywhere with him.” Leia smirked. Edon frowned.

“I will gladly give my time to reel him in.” Luke grinned and drummed his fingers along the table before propping his head against his fist.

“Yeah, I was certainly not referring to you, dear brother.” Leia replied airily, making an effort to keep her gaze away from Hera, though she did lightly kick her from under the table. Luke frowned and drew shapes into the condensation in front of himself. 

“For any revolutionaries in here tonight,” Kanan laughed and launched into a Green Day number. Edon scoffed.

“He isn’t even trying to be subtle.” Edon said flatly.

“I think the real problem,” Sabine said, “is that he thinks Green Day is revolutionary in any way.”

Hera studied Kanan over her drink. He was a good musician and he definitely had a nice voice; Leia and Sabine were right. If she hadn’t already booked another group for the Steela memorial fundraiser, she wouldn’t have hesitated to ask Kanan’s band. Edon shifted uncomfortably next to her, so Hera put her hand on her knee, though it only resulted in a deeper frown from the blonde. 

Meanwhile, Kanan kept his gaze firmly on the other side of the room, particularly focused on a raven-haired guy in a red shirt Hera vaguely recognized from one of her psychology classes. Wedge something or other. She rolled her eyes and pulled her phone out to scroll around on Twitter. Giving Kanan another shred of attention, despite her complete lack of interest, would do nothing but stoke whatever fire of annoyance was within Edon, and another pointless fight was the last thing Hera wanted, even though this had been her idea in the first place. 

###

Hera let her head hang off her bed while Edon danced around being upset for what was probably the second hour in a row. Hera tended to lose track, by that point. She hadn’t even done anything, she never did, but that rarely made a difference. 

“He’s just so infuriating.” There it was.

“Well, he’s a guy, so,” Hera shrugged and pulled her orange and white furball, Chopper, out from under the bed. He curled up on her stomach, but darted back under when Edon came closer.

“He’s cocky.” Edon stated plainly. And?

“College guy working at a bar where his band regularly plays and they’re not bad. Sort of comes with the territory, don’t you think?” Hera sat upright and watched Edon pace around the dorm. “What’s the real problem with him? Two days ago you loved his band, now you can’t stand them. Him in general, really.”

Edon shot Hera a soft glare before inhaling deeply.

“Don’t know. Sabine thinks he’s hiding something.” She said. Hera shook her head in frustration.

“Can he really even hide anything from us if we don’t even know him in the first place?”

Edon shrugged. “I think he’s just trying to fuck Leia.” Hera snorted but didn’t press it. While borderline scummy scoundrel was Leia’s type, despite her efforts to convince everyone otherwise, Hera found the idea absurd. But if that’s what Edon really wanted to go with, she was in no mood to argue further.


	5. Chapter 5

Kanan felt stupid. 

Not because he was the only one all masked up in black; there were maybe a dozen others like that. But having everyone with their damn faces covered made finding Hera an annoyingly difficult task. No green hair, no anything. Hell, was she even there?

He heard her voice a few feet in front of him; he’d never not recognize it. She seemed to be with just two people: some kid he vaguely recognized but couldn’t name and Hera’s tall friend--Ahsoka? Maybe? It definitely wasn’t the student government Skywalker twin--she was probably five feet tall on a good day, if that. Kanan pushed through a row of people he didn’t know and didn’t care to. 

“Hera, hey!”

She stopped dead in her tracks, turned around, and punched his arm. “No names.” She hissed.

“Sorry. What do I call you, then?” He asked, adjusting his hat and rubbing his increasingly sore arm.

“Don’t care. Just no names.”

“Come on, String Bean, get creative!” The shortest one said. 

“‘String Bean’?” Kanan scoffed. 

“To be fair, you’re really tall.” Okay, so the other person with them was definitely Luke Skywalker. The kid laughed and skipped ahead to walk closer to Ahsoka. Kanan hung back for a while, deep in thought. He needed a funny name for Hera, but he needed to get a good one the first time. He thought about some green pun, but he got the feeling that would fall under the no name/identifier category. But it wasn’t like he had much to go on when it came to Hera. She was too closed off and distant. There we go.

“You got it, Siberia.” That got Hera, Luke, and Ahsoka to stop in their tracks.

“Seriously?” Ahsoka set her hand on her hip, Luke looked fairly confused, and Hera looked slightly annoyed, if anything.

“Cold, distant, a little dangerous. Seems like it fits to me.” Kanan shrugged. Hera narrowed her eyes at him, but didn’t say anything further. 

And she didn’t say anything else to him for the rest of the demonstration, though not from a lack of effort on Kanan’s part. Luke spent a fair share of time talking to him, though. He seemed like a nice enough kid, very spirited. He could see why Ezra was interested in him.

Kanan decided he didn’t want the day to be a full waste of time; he clearly wouldn’t get anywhere with Hera, but he could do Ezra a solid. He not-so-casually brought him up and Luke seemed interested, so he gave him his number before he left.

Ezra definitely owes me one now.

He walked back to his car, admittedly feeling a bit dejected. It wasn’t like he’d been trying to sleep with her--he’d just wanted to talk. Maybe he’d misread her. Maybe she really was just looking to bring people to her cause, after all.

###

“Shit!” Hera yelled and threw her torque wrench onto the pavement. She could work nonstop for the next day and not be anywhere near where she’d need to be to have the Ghost up and running in time for the Capitol protest. Ahsoka had a big exam, so she wouldn’t be going. Leia worked behind the scenes, so she couldn’t go if she wanted to. Sabine had plans and Luke had some date. 

Hera frowned, dropped the hood, and wiped her overly greasy hands on a cloth. She wasn’t far from The Hill and she had no doubts that Kanan would volunteer if he didn’t have work. Edon definitely wouldn’t be happy, but she’d been looking forward to the protest for a while....

Screw it.

The bar was a little busier than she’d anticipated. One girl in particular was leaning way too far over the bar to get closer to Kanan than was even remotely necessary. Hera didn’t bother trying not to roll her eyes as she made her way to her usual spot. 

Kanan had noticed her out of the corner of his eye and all but abandoned the girl he’d been talking to. Hera smirked.

“Hey! Didn’t expect to see you today. Usual?” He asked with a wide smile. Hera nodded.

“I actually have a proposition for you.” She said when he slid her the drink. He furrowed his brow but leaned forward onto his elbows.

“I’m listening.”

“Do you remember when I told you about the protest up north?” She asked, taking a sip of her drink. Kanan sighed and nodded.

“I do.”

“Here’s the thing: my car kind of crapped out on me and everyone else has plans. And I am specifically blaming you for Luke being busy.” 

Kanan laughed, suddenly very interested in drying a glass. Hera watched him, looking for any sign of, well, anything, really. His face gave nothing away and she was getting more nervous? No. Annoyed? With each passing moment.

“So you need a ride.” He finally said.

“Well, yes, that, but I also don’t do protests alone anyway. It always causes problems.”

“What, you need a babysitter?” He laughed.

“Sure. Kind of.” The last time she went to a protest alone she very narrowly avoided arrest and it was only because a few people cut her off from the cop in question and she was able to blend back into the line.

“I’m in.” He nodded. Hera finished her drink with a grin.

“Be at Marlowe at six, then.”

“Wait, in the morning?” Kanan squeaked indignantly. Hera simply nodded before jumping off the barstool.

###

Hera knew she’d have to tell her friends. Kanan was still a relative stranger, and while she was reckless, she wasn’t stupid. She settled on Leia first. Hera’s impulsivity was absolutely nothing compared to hers, so in theory, telling Leia would be easiest. 

And she was right. Leia’s only real response was a cocked eyebrow, but she was uncharacteristically quiet about it. Hera was slightly suspicious, but decided not to press it because if she did manage to get her going, she’d never shut up about it. 

Small victories, she thought, though she had a feeling it would be far from the end of it with Leia.

She decided on Sabine and Ahsoka next. She figured they’d react similarly--they always did--which is to say they both gave her shit about virtually every questionable decision Hera ever made. Which, okay, fair, she couldn’t blame them for that. They always took safety into question, but more often quickly abandoned that for making fun of her altogether. 

And, of course, they did. Mercilessly.

Ahsoka started off with the “and what about the girl you’ve been dating for over three years” route, Hera spent a good ten minutes trying to explain that just because she was going three hours away with Kanan--”String Bean,” Sabine had corrected, very happy with Luke’s codename for him--it didn’t mean she’d sleep with him.

“Whoa, we never said anything about sleeping with him. Don’t put words in our mouths, Syndulla.” Sabine laughed.

“Whatever. He’s a comrade. Nothing more. And I need a ride.” Hera huffed.

“Comrade d’amour, maybe.” Ahsoka murmured. Hera pretended she hadn’t heard.

Last was Edon and Hera found herself especially dreading that one. She would almost certainly try to forbid Hera from going; it wouldn’t be the first time. She’d oppose it no matter who was going with her because she always hated when Hera would run off somewhere, especially for a protest three hours away. 

Hera wasn’t entirely sure of why she put up with it. Familiarity, maybe? Some semblance of routine or stability? She wasn’t happy, but she wouldn’t admit that to even herself. She wasn’t sure why, but if she had to think about it--which she actively avoided--she’d say it was because she should be happy, so any discontent would have to lie within herself and self-introspection and the inevitable vulnerability of it was something she kept away from at absolutely all costs.

“Okay.” Edon had twisted her face up into an unreadable expression and waited a good five minutes to respond. Hera had been caught off guard; Edon always fought her on trips like that, and she’d spent a good few hours complaining about Kanan not 48 hours earlier.

“Okay?”

“Okay. I’m pretty sure he’s only getting involved in your little movement to get into your pants. Or Leia’s. Or both. Just, you know, don’t forget about me or anything.” There we go. Hera frowned and nodded.

“A little trust would be kind of nice here, you know.” She said softly before leaving Edon’s apartment, not bothering with a goodbye.

###

Kanan exhaled loudly, barely stifling a shiver. He had a nice car, perks of the US Military, but the damned thing took forever to heat up. He hoped it would be at least somewhat warm before Hera came down.

He wasn’t so lucky. She walked out in a black turtleneck and gray coat after maybe two minutes, braids whipping around from the wind.

“Shit it’s cold.” She said, practically throwing herself into the car. Kanan laughed.

“Well, yeah, it’s November.” 

“Don’t be a smartass. I’m from Florida, I’m not used to this arctic shit.” Hera grumbled. Kanan grinned and connected Hera’s phone to the Bluetooth.

“Passenger has DJ duties. However, I should let you know that I will be heavily judging you based on your choices. On the bright side, it’ll be the only time I judge you.”

Not one hour into the drive, Edon facetimed Hera. She sighed loudly before connecting the call. Kanan thought it was hilarious, but kept his mouth shut and eyes on the road. The fact that it was starting to snow was definitely less than desirable, but Kanan had lived with it for all but the five years he’d been in the Army, so he wasn’t particularly worried. 

“Hera!” Edon sounded entirely too excited and she was using her customer service voice, so Hera knew exactly why she was calling and it was embarrassing.

“Everything okay?” She asked flatly. 

“Yeah, I just missed you.” Edon said. Kanan risked a glance in Hera’s direction and she looked far from happy.

“Okay, well, we’re about to pull into McDonalds,” they weren’t, “so I’ll just text you later.” She ended the call before Edon could argue and not even thirty seconds later, her phone chimed.

“Of course.” She murmured to herself. Kanan didn’t acknowledge it; he didn’t need to. The interaction spoke for itself and he knew better than to press something like that. 

The rest of the drive up was uneventful--at least, once Hera told Edon she was going to take a nap (she wasn’t) in an attempt to at least slow the assault on her phone. Kanan and Hera didn’t talk much until they got to the state courthouse. It was stupid, too. He made an offhanded comment about an old man playing chess in a coffee shop across the street and Hera’d cracked up. She didn’t know why she laughed; it wasn’t funny. The little snowflakes catching on his goatee and his bright red nose and cheeks were, though, for whatever reason. Hera didn’t want to bother thinking about it.

Despite the cold, Kanan and Hera stayed out for the full demonstration--no black bloc this time. It was too cold to bother with it. And in the four hours since they’d arrived, the roads had all iced over. The Capitol was notoriously bad at spraying the roads before storms, so it came as a surprise to nobody, except maybe Hera, since she’d only moved there for school. The cold always caught her off guard; she was used to hot, humid summers, and relatively mild winters with an average of 70, for the most part.

Kanan crossed his arms and tested the ice on the road with his foot. “I’m not driving home on that. Not with you.” 

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I’m not getting on the completely untreated highway with you in my car because I’d rather not get you killed.” He stated. Hera frowned.

“Edon won’t be happy about that.” Hera mumbled under her breath. Kanan shook his head.

“She’s gonna have to deal with it. I don’t care.” He was only slightly annoyed at the girl for finding ways to interrupt virtually every conversation he’d had with Hera that day and he was beyond the point of caring enough to hide it. 

Hera waited in the warm car while Kanan made his way into the lobby of the literal last hotel in the city--he only slipped three times and managed to catch himself each time. Her phone buzzed again and she rolled her eyes. She ignored the message and FaceTimed Sabine instead.

“Hera? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Just letting you know we’re staying here tonight, if we can find a damn room. But I’m also turning my phone off because I’m sick of dealing with things, but I’ll check in with you at ten.”

Sabine raised an eyebrow, but didn’t push it--she was about as big a fan of Edon as Leia was.

“Be safe!” She replied airily. Hera shot her a glare as Kanan dropped back into the driver’s seat, mumbling to himself about the cold.

“Okay. Good news, there’s one room left and I got it.”

Hera lowered her phone but didn’t hang up.

“And the bad news?”

“It’s a single.” He smiled sheepishly. 

Sabine burst into laughter and he frowned, so Hera went to disconnect to call, but not before Sabine was able to yell one last “Like I said, be safe!”

“I’m taking the floor. Don’t worry.” Kanan smirked and let Hera out before swinging the car around to an open spot. 

Once in the room, Kanan swiped a pillow and dropped it on the floor. He peeled off his coat and hoodie, leaving him in his jeans and black t-shirt that was entirely too tight, but Hera couldn’t find it within herself to be fully scandalized. He offered a mock salute before lying down. He was asleep before Hera had fully settled into the bed.

Kanan groaned and pushed his shirt up just past his navel--Hera was pretty sure he was asleep, anyway. He looked so young when he was asleep...and peaceful and soft and—stop. Her train of thought came to a halt pretty quickly. There was a considerably sizable scar on his right hip, and from what she could see, it seemed to go clear through to his back.

What the hell?

She turned her phone on and took a quick picture and sent it to her group chat with Ahsoka, Luke, Leia, and Sabine. 

Hera: What the hell would have caused that?

Sabine: Knowing him, he probably impaled himself with a handle of Jack.

Ahsoka: Whatever it was, he spent some time in the hospital because that’s far from minor.

Luke: I could ask Ezra…

Hera: You ask Ezra, you die. No.

Leia: My dad has a couple of scars like that from one of his tours in Afghanistan.

Hera stiffened at that. Time for a long-overdue google dive…

She found exactly what she’d been looking for, but she wished she hadn’t. She didn’t speak to Kanan for the rest of the trip.


	6. Chapter 6

Kanan looked up hopefully as the bell on the door chimed, but frowned when it wasn’t Hera. She hadn’t come into The Hill once in the two weeks since the Capitol protest. She’d also ignored him the entire drive back. He’d sent three apology texts, but he wasn’t sure what he was even apologizing for. He’d slept on the floor of the hotel. He never made it a debate of who would get the bed. But by the time he’d woken up the next morning, Hera was good and pissed to the point where she avoided eye contact with him altogether.

He poured himself his second shot of the night when the door opened again, bringing with it a freezing cold blast. His heartbeat quickened when Leia and Hera hurried inside. Leia immediately caught Kanan’s gaze and she gave a pursed-lip smile and slight nod before walking toward the bar, literally dragging Hera behind her.

Leia ordered for both of them, glanced to her left, touched a guy’s shoulder, and launched into a conversation with him. Hera glowered at her over her drink.

“What are you up to? Haven’t seen you in a while.” Kanan said nonchalantly, careful not to make eye contact with Hera.

“Not much, Sergeant Jarrus.” She replied coolly. Kanan pursed his lips and paused before continuing to wipe down the bar. 

“I take it you looked me up, then? What’s wrong, Syndulla, can’t get enough of me?” He smirked. 

“Actually, knowing that is more than enough.” Hera huffed. Kanan tossed the rag over his shoulder. 

“Glad to see you know why I did it and how I feel about it.” He murmured.

“You joined an imperialist war machine. That’s all there is to know.”

“You’re right. I did. But there’s no way my mom could have helped me and my little brother through college   
and I didn’t want him to take out tens of thousands worth of loans. So I enlisted.” Kanan frowned and rubbed the rag into an old stain in the bar that had no chance of coming out. Hera definitely hadn’t been pleased to find out Kanan had been in the service, but his reaction suggested that he’d hated it as much as she did, if not more.

“Were you ever deployed?” She asked after a few moments, tone noticeably lighter, taking a sip of her drink.

“Twice. Second time I got hit by friendly fire, did enough damage that I got medically retired after five years of service.”

“How do you feel about that?” Hera fiddled with her straw, but kept her eyes low.

“Like it wasn’t worth getting the funding for school,” Kanan laughed, “but it made things a lot easier for Ezra. I’d rather go into the military than have him do it. But if you’re asking if I’m proud of it, I’m not. I think it’s the root of all evil and all it does is bring repression and destruction to innocent people. The military fights for hegemony and oil and that’s it, though judging by your reaction to me being in it, I’d say you already think that way. If given another chance, I wouldn’t do it again. I’d just not go to school altogether and fully support Ezra. College tuition is not worth the things you have to do out there.”

“Did you ever kill anybody?”

Kanan traced shapes onto the bar but didn’t answer.

“What are your political views now?” Hera asked, somewhat hoping to change the subject.

“Republicans and democrats are the same dude, slightly different haircut. Different social platforms when trying to get elected, but once in office, their only belief is in the dollar. So, I don’t know. Leftist, but I just kinda exist on that side of the spectrum. No particular sub-beliefs like you or whatever.”

Hera nodded and sipped her drink. Kanan forced his eyes shut before taking a big breath.

“Five.” Kanan said softly.

“What?”

“I killed five people.” It was almost a whisper. He emphasized it by taking another shot, then walked to the other end of the bar to take another order. Hera’s chest tightened at the admission, but she watched him carefully. He was smiling, then, two people were a bit close to him but he seemed to ignore them, instead shooting a glance Hera’s way, offering a slight smile. 

She turned into her drink, focusing on the ice cubes. She’d been angry when she saw his service record--maybe even livid. That had been a lot to keep from her, especially since he knew how she viewed the military industrial complex. Was it lying by omission? Technically? Maybe? She didn’t really blame him for leaving it out.

He flat out admitted he’d killed five people...so what else could he have been hiding? What else had he done over there? What had he been through? Hera pinched the bridge of her nose and got Leia’s attention.

“I’m feeling kind of sick, are you ready to go?” She asked. Leia shook her head and motioned toward the guy she’d been talking to. Hera recognized him as one of the more problematic patrons. She’d seen him in at least three fights, but that was also right up Leia’s alley, so she didn’t argue.

“Let me know when you get home,” She said before hurrying out of the bar. Kanan watched her go, face set, but looking almost sad. Zeb nudged him with his elbow and he smiled again, throwing himself a bit too enthusiastically into his work for the rest of his shift.

###

Hera exhaled harshly and rubbed her hands together when the cold wind embraced her. She hadn’t been lying--she really did feel sick. She wasn’t sure whether it was what Kanan had said or because of how she’d judged him for his service record. Probably a mix of both. She didn’t bother going by her dorm; being alone would just make things worse. Edon’s apartment wasn’t far, so Hera headed that way.

She felt some sense of comfort as she approached the door. It wasn’t necessarily calming, per se, but it felt familiar and at least a little warm and that’s all she really cared about. She tried the door, and as usual, it was unlocked. Though Hera had warned against the practice multiple times. 

Edon glanced at Hera but didn’t say anything. And that was fine, Hera wasn’t really in the mood to talk anyway. She grabbed Edon’s phone out of her hands and tossed it farther down the couch.

“What are you--” Hera cut her off with a kiss. Edon stiffened up for a solid 30 seconds, sighed into it, then broke away. “Really?” She seemed skeptical but Hera was in no mood to care, so she pulled her back in, then up so that she could guide her to her bedroom.

Hera’s bad luck wasn’t done yet, though. No, she’d managed to catch Edon on a bad night, which, really, when wasn’t it a bad night? Edon broke away again and took a few steps back.

“Can you take care of it? I was watching Friends and--”

“You’ve seen it all the way through at least a dozen times.” Hera frowned, obviously deflated. “You weren’t even watching it! You were on Twitter!” Edon shrugged. “Fine. Bye.” Hera turned on her heel and stormed out of the apartment. In the two damn minutes she’d been there, it had started to snow. Usually Hera loved when it snowed. She never saw much of it growing up so it still felt a little magical to her.

But that night it felt like adding insult to injury. She crossed her arms tightly and quickened her pace. The sooner she could get back to her dorm, the sooner she could get to work on planning the memorial. The sooner she got to planning, the closer she’d be to feeling better. She wasn’t going to sleep that night; she knew that much. She’d always had some trouble with sleep, but when she was stressed, she’d sooner sprout pink wings than get to sleep. 

She finally made it back to her dorm. Chopper greeted her by rubbing against her leg and it helped a bit. He usually did. But no amount of purring or cuddles would really help her then; only a certain campus twin could do that.

Hera: Edon basically just told me to jack myself off so she could watch Friends instead  
Leia: You’re shitting me, right? FIRST OF ALL, it’s a mediocre show at best. Second of all, you’re a literal goddess and she turned you down? For a shitty sitcom of all things? I honestly don’t know why you’re still with her in the first place. You deserve a hell of a lot more than you’re getting there, Hera. I just wish you’d realize that.

Hera stared at the screen. Leia was right and she wasn’t sure why she was still there, either. But she couldn’t admit that, especially not to Leia. But it wasn’t like Edon was a bad person. She was wonderful and kind and she would make an amazing nurse once she graduated. They’d just sort of drifted apart and become different people and Hera couldn’t fault her for that. She sighed and set her phone aside and got to work planning the memorial.


	7. Chapter 7

“SHIT!” Hera kicked a barstool and let her phone fall onto the bar. It was her third day in a row there. Kanan had been much easier to talk to since he’d talked about his time in the Army.

“What?” Kanan frowned and threw his rag over his shoulder so that he could lean across.

“Azadi’s band backed out of the memorial fundraiser, so now we don’t have a showcase.” She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. Kanan studied her curiously.

A brief pause. “I’ll do it.” 

“What?”

“My band. We’ll do it.” He shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“You don’t even believe in the cause, Kanan.” Hera rubbed her temple. She was honestly elated by his offer; she’d hoped she wouldn’t have to explicitly ask him, but that didn’t mean she had to like needing his help. Again.

“I believe in you and I know you’re fighting for what’s right. That’s all I need to know. We’ll do it.” Kanan smiled warmly. Hera exhaled loudly and nodded. It wasn’t like she had much of a choice.

“Fine, fine. Text me tonight and we’ll work something out. I have to get going, there’s going to be a demonstration on campus and I can’t miss it.”

###

Hera wished she’d missed the protest. She’d made the mistake of going alone without having some sort of idea of what police presence would be like. Fellow protestors had probably been rowdy before she’d gotten there because she hadn’t been on the line for five minutes before cops had tossed tear gas and Hera found herself right in front of it. She’d been hit with it before, but never with that much at one time.

She managed to get ahold of Edon, who arrived a painstaking ten minutes later to help her to her dorm. She made quick work of pouring milk over Hera’s face, though she didn’t bother hiding her annoyance at the situation. She never did.

“Hera, I don’t know why you do this.”

“I’m not going to let a bunch of neo-Nazis walk around this campus without resistance.” Hera spurted through the stream of milk. 

“They aren’t hurting anything! Yes, they’re assholes. But they’re not damaging anything, they aren’t hurting anyone.” Edon said softly.

“Their rhetoric does. I know what it feels like to be marginalized. I know what it’s like to walk around and feel like the world is out to get you. I am not going to stand by and let those cowards intimidate people!”

“They have free speech. The law is protecting them.” Edon paused before pouring another stream of milk over Hera’s eyes.

“And I am protecting the people they want to wipe out.” Hera wanted the conversation to end; she knew where it was headed and absolutely didn’t want to do it with tear gas or milk still in her eyes.

“They can’t actually do anything, babe.” Hera stiffened. “You’re never going to accomplish what you’re working for. All you’re doing is making a bad name for yourself, putting yourself in avoidable harm, and setting yourself up to get a criminal record. I don’t want to be with a criminal.”

Well, then. 

“If that’s what you want, fine.” Hera sighed and sat up, drying her face with a towel. Edon perked up. “I’m not going to stop what I’m doing. We’re done.”

“What?”

“I’m done with this. This movement is something I am passionate about. You’re not, and that’s fine, really, but I also know that you’re never going to accept it. You’re going to continue directly fighting me on it and I’m not compromising my morals. I fight enough on the picket line and I don’t want to keep coming home to it. I’m done.” She punctuated by blowing milk out of her nose.

“Hera…”

“Edon, please. Just go. I’ll come get my stuff from your apartment after my 11A.M. tomorrow.”

“Hera!”

“I’m not changing my mind.” Edon glanced at Hera’s lit-up phone screen and scowled.

She threw the milk carton on the floor and stormed out. Hera wiped the rest of her face and exhaled loudly. She picked up the empty carton and started scrubbing the milk out of the carpet. Her phone chimed; it was Kanan because of course it was.

Kanan:I talked to the guys and they’re all in to play at the benefit. Any song requests?

Hera stared at the screen for a few moments before locking it and tossing it on her bed. 

Not tonight. Not tonight.

She threw the towel into the hamper and picked her phone up again.

Hera: Thank you, Kanan.

Kanan: Up to anything tonight? My shift just ended, so I could come by and we could talk about the setlist, if you’re free.

Don’t do it. Don’t do it.

Hera: D4012 in Marlowe Hall.

Shit.

Kanan navigated the halls of the dorm until he found Hera’s--and only got lost once, thank you very much. Her door was decorated with her name in large pieces of cut-out construction paper, little planes, and a strange bird-looking symbol surrounded by little flames. The corner of Kanan’s mouth curled up. He cleared his throat and knocked.

“Hey. You found it.” Hera said after opening the door. She grinned with her toothbrush in her mouth, wearing a slim white tank top and tight black shorts. Kanan raised his eyebrows but stayed focused on her eyes...for the most part.

“So I did. Hera, you know your face is all--” Kanan motioned across his own face before slowly reaching toward Hera’s, covered in big red splotches. She dodged him and waved a dismissive hand.

“Tear gas, don’t worry, nothing new for me. Sorry my room is kind of a mess. I’ve had a bit of a night.” She called from her bathroom.

“Yeah?” Kanan scanned the room, saw a tool bag, which, y’know, okay? The rest of the room seemed more average than he’d expected. Tidy, not a great deal of self-expression. He rubbed the back of his head at the thought of Hera being hit with tear gas; he’d gone through it at boot camp and it had been absolute hell.

“Long story.” Hera laughed, making her way toward her bed. Kanan nodded and sat on the orange bean bag on the floor. He jumped about a foot into the air when a raggedy orange and white cat swatted at his leg.

“I thought animals weren’t allowed in the dorms.”

“Technically they’re not. There are loopholes, but since I’m an RA, I don’t have to go through room inspections so I haven’t bothered with them. That’s Chopper.”

“Hi, Chop--” Kanan smiled and slowly held his hand out, but the cat hissed and ran under Hera’s bed. “I don’t think he likes me.” He frowned. Hera smiled softly; Kanan seemed legitimately saddened by the idea.

“He doesn’t really like anybody, honestly.”

“Not even your girlfriend?” Kanan laughed and stuffed his phone into his back pocket.

“Ex.” She replied shortly.

Kanan raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything.

“We broke up tonight.”

“That’s rough. I’m sorry.” He sounded genuinely empathetic and Hera frowned. She knew she hadn’t read him wrong. She never read people wrong. But she may have misjudged him just a bit.

“It was a long time coming.” Hera laughed shallowly.

“Still. It’s never fun, so I’m sorry. Anything I can do?”

Hera paused. Well…

“We can get to work on your setlist.” Hera said quickly. Kanan grinned and nodded.

“What kind of tone are you wanting to set?”

“Always going for a general sense of rebellion, but that doesn’t really matter so much for this. We just want to draw a good crowd, so it really just needs to be entertaining.” Hera said. Kanan nodded and drummed his fingers against his leg.

“We could easily do some All-American Rejects, or some Harry Styles to appeal to a larger crowd. Or if you want, pulling a pop ass setlist out of our asses wouldn’t be an issue.” He said, scratching his goatee. Hera cocked an eyebrow.

“Harry Styles?” She repeated.

“What? Got something against him?” He sounded almost offended.

“No, not at all. Just...didn’t expect that from you.”

“I’m full of surprises.” Kanan grinned. Hera’s smile faltered and he frowned, leaning forward against his knees. “Hey. You okay?”

“Yeah, I just...I guess I’m not really in the mood to get into a set list right now. I feel bad for making you come all this way, though.”

“It’s okay. I understand. I can call you tomorrow or Sunday and we can talk then, if you want.” He ran his hand back to his ponytail. Hera nodded and opened her mouth to respond but a knock at the door interrupted her. She rolled her eyes and opened it to find Edon, looking particularly disheveled. 

“Hera, you’re right, I’m never going to just be okay with the protest shit, but I…” she narrowed her eyes when they fell on Kanan.“I knew it.” She scoffed. “I see how it’s going to be. Fine. Never mind.” She turned on her heel and stormed down the hall. Hera groaned and shut the door, letting her head fall against it...before banging it two more times for good measure. 

“Are you going to go after her?”

“No. I don’t want to. Shitty as it is, this is what needed to happen.” Hera rubbed her eye and immediately regretted it because she still had residue from the tear gas on her face and her eye started burning all over again. “I don’t want you walking all the way home this late, though.”

“I can take care of myself. I’ve been through a lot worse.” Kanan crossed his arms and smiled smugly.

“I know that, but I still worry. Just stay here tonight.”

“What about your roommate?”

“RAs don't have them. Room assignments are random so that’s why there are two beds. Just take that one.” 

Kanan nodded and sat down, patting his knees awkwardly. 

“I’m not tired yet, though. Wanna watch a movie?” Hera said in a far lighter tone. Kanan perked up a bit.

“Got anything good?”

“Not really,” Hera shook her head, “I usually just go with whatever Netflix is spotlighting.” Kanan nodded and settled into the extra bed. 

“I get the feeling Edon doesn’t like me.”

Hera laughed. “Oh, she never did. She loved your band until you and I met, though. But after that she never trusted you, though it was less about you and more about not trusting me.”

“Ever give her a reason not to?”

Hera smirked. “You’re getting awfully personal tonight.”

“You know a lot about me. Hell, you know more about some parts of my life than my own mother. Or brother, for that matter.” Kanan reasoned.

“Touché.” Hera stretched her arm behind her head. “To answer your question, no. I didn’t. She just...I don’t know. Trust wasn’t really a thing after I got involved with Antifa. Edon’s always been a ‘keep your head down and don’t make waves’ sort of person. She always hated me getting myself into any sort of movement. I used to do protests for Planned Parenthood and while she supported the cause, she didn’t agree with the actual protest aspect of it. And that’s something about her I could never reconcile with. Staying in place and not taking a stance is how we lose those rights. I personally think the national movement is flawed in the sense that they’re always on the defensive. They react rather than act. That’s the sort of movement where you need to be on the offensive, you know?”

Kanan nodded. “I agree. Complacency leads to loss, and that’s why Roe’s in jeopardy right now.”

“Exactly!”

“How long were you guys together?”

“Three years.”

Kanan whistled. “That’s a long time. I’m guessing it was serious?”

Hera shrugged. “I mean, sort of, but it’s not like I planned on marrying her. That’s something  
that’s just not in my cards right now, regardless of who I’m with. Ten years from now, maybe. But I’d die before getting married in my twenties.”

Kanan laughed. “Yeah, somehow that doesn’t surprise me.”

Hera took a deep breath and shut her eyes tightly.

“Listen...you can say no, but it’s going to get really cold tonight, the heating system in this building is shit, and I don’t have enough blankets to keep both of us warm. Do you maybe want to double up? The beds are small so it’ll be really crowded, but…”

Kanan bit back a grin and scratched his goatee. 

“Hera, if this is all some master plan to get into bed with me, all you have to do is ask, you know.”

“Shut up. You sound like you want to be a rebound.” Hera studied Kanan, looking for any sort of bluff, but she’d never seen him so serious.

“For you? Absolutely.” He replied with no hesitation. Hera raised an eyebrow. “And anyway, can’t have you freezing to death, now, can we?”

“One night. That’s it. Then we go back to associates and you never mention it again. Got it?”

“Aye aye, Captain.” Kanan hopped into Hera’s bed. She grinned and slid over his lap and pulled the tie out of his hair before leaning in to kiss him, lacing her fingers through his hair. 

“Almost seems like you’ve thought about this,” Kanan breathed after breaking away. 

“Fuck you, Jarrus.”

“That’s the idea, sweetheart.” He smirked. Hera rolled her eyes and pulled up on Kanan’s mossy green t-shirt, stopping short when she saw the scar on his hip. She frowned but went back to work. “Shit, you’re beautiful,” Kanan breathed.

“Don’t.”

Kanan frowned but didn’t question it.

They lay there afterward, Hera’s breathing a little too quick-paced for her liking. And she could practically feel Kanan’s shit-eating grin. She shifted to grab her tank top off the floor but couldn’t find it, so she pulled Kanan’s shirt over her head instead and he laughed until there was a knock at the door. 

“Shit,” Hera scrambled out of the bed, “if I see her through the peephole, you are answering wearing only your boxers.” She hissed and took one last admiring look at Kanan before making her way to the door. She opened it to find her spunky art resident standing before her, hands set on her hips, eyes heavy with sleep.

“Sabine, do you have any idea what time it is?”

The younger girl crossed her arms and cocked a hip, giving Hera a “seriously?” look. 

“Considering I was dead asleep before your screaming woke me--and honestly probably half of D4--up, yes, yes I do. Did Edon finally start listening to you in bed or something because you’ve never been that loud.”

“Sabine!” Hera forced her eyes shut, hoping Kanan hadn’t heard that, but knowing it was in vain. The girl peered behind Hera to find Kanan lying in bed with the sheet up to his chest, eyebrows up to his hairline. She raised her own eyebrows and barked out a laugh. 

“That would explain that. Leia’s going to lose her shit when she finds out!” She said excitedly.

“You tell her, I end you.” Hera seethed.

Sabine smiled innocently. “Get back to it but keep it down, would ya?” Hera rolled her eyes and shut the door. If it had been any other resident, she’d be overcome with embarrassment but she’d come to see Sabine as a sort of little sister figure--one that capitalized on being nosy and annoying. That and she had certain expertise when it came to discreet destruction of government property, making her a very welcome addition to Hera’s little cell.

“Am I the best you’ve ever had?” Kanan asked as Hera walked back toward the bed, flipping his hair dramatically. 

“Don’t start.” Hera said, pushing her hair back with an eye roll.

“Holy shit, I am, aren’t I?”

“I will neither confirm nor deny the validity of that.”

“Because I am.” Kanan sat up straighter with another shit-eating grin plastered across his face. A grin Hera was very, very quickly getting sick of. Should slap it off him, she thought, he’d probably like it, though.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Hera mumbled, slipping back under the blankets.

“You know what else helps me sleep at night?” Kanan asked in an all-too amused tone. Hera shot him a glare.

“Do you really want to sleep in the lounge? Because that’s exactly where you’re headed.”

“If you kick me out there’s another bed. And I could always walk back to my apartment but we both know you won’t let me do that.”

“Hmmm….don’t test me, Jarrus.” Hera said, resting her head on Kanan’s chest. “She is going to give me so much shit for this.”

“Sabine or Leia?”

“Both.” She groaned.

After a while they started up again. Hera made an effort to be quieter that time, but Sabine still pounded against their shared wall, making Kanan laugh. Hera swatted him on the chest. 

“You should leave your hair down more often.” Hera said sleepily. Kanan smiled and watched as she fell asleep. Once he was sure she wouldn’t wake up, he slipped out of bed, threw his shirt over his head, and shimmied into his jeans before quietly slipping through the door. He always made a point to not actually sleep with the people he fucked. Personal policy. 

Kanan shoved his hands into his pockets on his way out of the dorm and toward his apartment, which was only a block away. He sort of hoped that would come in handy, but he didn’t want to jinx it. He hadn’t expected to make the walk of shame that weekend, though if he was being honest with himself, he felt no shame whatsoever. Not this time.

The next morning, Kanan found himself sore as all hell, but the thought of it made him smile. He thought it had absolutely been worth the wait. Waking up, not so much. He groaned and pulled his phone off the charger to see just one message--pretty low for him--but it was from Hera, so he perked up.

Hera: we’re all meeting at Ahsoka’s at 2. I’ll send you the address in a bit. Bring your band and be ready to play like 4 songs. Doesn’t matter which ones, it’s mostly courtesy. You guys will be the headliner regardless. And do not talk about last night. At all. 

Kanan grinned and opened his band’s group chat to relay the information and pick songs for the showcase. 

Kanan: We can do three serious ones but I do want to cover Adore You. Don’t ask why. Deal?

Zeb: it’s Queen Anarchist, isn’t it?

Sammo: see, that would be an oxymoron, Z. but yes, it totally is.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia, Ahsoka, and Sabine finally get the chance to lay into Hera, someone's getting arrested, and Hera has a very strange idea of what revenge is

Hera only allowed herself a single brief glance at Kanan as he and his bandmates walked through Ahsoka’s front door. She knew the bandmates this time--Kanan had run through them the night before. Sammo was the tall, blue-haired guitarist and Kanan’s childhood best friend. She’d known the big purple-haired guy was Zeb--he tended to work at the same time as Kanan. And then the blonde was Rex and he was an old Army buddy--Hera wasn’t sure how she felt about him. 

Kanan’s bastard ass had his hair down and Hera knew he was just trying to get a rise out of her. He was blatantly goading her, but he wouldn’t win. She simply wouldn’t let it happen.

Hera: Leia, I have a DEFCON 1-level problem. 

Kanan and his friends set up their instruments, ran through a handful of songs, and Hera knew the smug asshole was looking at everyone but her on purpose. He wanted her to go up and talk to him or have any sort of reaction and she wasn’t giving in. She decided to keep to herself in the kitchen while they all packed back up. If she could just keep him out of her line of sight, she’d be fine. Probably. It worked, in her mind, so long as she didn’t think about it.

She thought about it.

Kanan had other ideas. He tossed his guitar case into his trunk and made his way back into Ahsoka’s house, then scanned for Hera. He split into a grin when he saw a flash of green in the kitchen. He slipped past a couple of people in the living room, then propped himself up against the doorway, arms crossed.

“Hera, I think we should talk.”

“I can think of a few more fun things to do.” She smirked and instantly regretted it. Well, that’s one way to handle it...way to keep your composure, Syndulla.

“Seriously.” Kanan replied. Hera frowned. 

“Okay, what is it?” She begrudgingly turned to face him.

“Is this going to be like a for sure one time thing, or comrades with benefits, or an exclusive thing, or open, or—“

“Kanan, I just got out of a long-term relationship. I’m not exactly looking to dive into a new one right now.” Hera said quietly. Kanan nodded and rubbed his elbow, and Hera could have sworn he seemed nervous.

“I just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. That’s it.”

“Do you ask all your little bar friends?” Hera wasn’t sure why she asked, she wasn’t sure why she cared, but she did feel a pang of regret as she said it.

“No, but to be fair, I never knew any of them before stuff happened.” He shrugged. “You’re a little different, there.” 

“If we do make this a regular thing, are you really going to call this ‘comrades with benefits’?” Hera asked, cocking a hip. She didn’t want to go down the “different” road with him and changing the subject was the only way she felt she could trust herself.

“It seems appropriate, given how it all started.” Kanan shrugged and barely held back a chuckle. He nodded one last time before turning on his heel and making his way back outside.

Hera’s phone chimed.

Leia: Oh, I’ve heard. And you’re going to tell us everything. I’m on my way over now. Once everyone else clears out, you’re in the hot seat. Hope you’re in a sharing mood, Syndulla!

Sabine...

Hera counted--and dreaded--the moments as people filtered out of the house. Leia all but lunged through the door and her eyes immediately fell on the three stragglers talking in a far corner of the room.

“Party’s over, take it somewhere else!” She exclaimed, literally shoving them through the door before locking it and turning her attention to Hera with a downright predatory gaze. “Okay, details. All of them. Was it good? Like on a scale of 1-10 how close does he live up to his reputation? What about size? Stop me when I get close!” She wiggled her eyebrows and started pulling her hands apart.

Hera didn’t respond beyond wide eyes and very, very red cheeks, which only seemed to egg Leia on, and it got Ahsoka invested. Sabine, on the other hand, sat smugly on the recliner, hands behind her neck. 

“Now, Leia, hold on a minute. We all know that the most important question here is this: how was the head?” Ahsoka laced her fingers together to prop up her chin. 

Hera still couldn’t find the words or self-control or anything that would suffice as a response. Sure, her friends knew about her sex life. She’d never been terribly shy about it--assuming she was talking to the right people--but that was when it was bad and she didn’t have anything to say.

“If Hera’s reaction last night was any indication, he definitely does and the head was great. He’s also somehow even prettier without a shirt.” Sabine said in a dreamy voice before she absolutely lost all composure and laughed so hard she fell out of the chair.

“SABINE!”

“Marlowe’s walls are thin, you can’t blame me. I don’t even like guys that much, I just think getting a rise out of you is fun. You make it too easy.” The art student raised her hands in mock surrender, but her smirk was absolutely lethal.

“Wait, wait, we’re all ignoring another very important question here.” Ahsoka raised a hand. “Hera, are you aware of the fact that you have a thing for tall people?”

Leia and Sabine burst into laughter, but Hera simply closed her eyes and turned to face a wall.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She said plainly. She, for one, was fully aware of the fact and she considered it one of her greatest flaws.

“No, no, Ahsoka’s onto something. You were with that guy on the basketball team your freshman year, and I’d say he was 6’1 ish. Edon was what, six feet tall, give or take an inch? And Kanan’s even taller than her. How tall is he exactly?” Sabine asked. Hera shrugged.

“I don’t know.” Hera had her eyes to the floor but she could feel everyone else boring into her.

“Yes, you do.” Leia stared at Hera intently. “How tall is he, Hera?” She asked slowly. 

“...Six-three…” Hera mumbled. Ahsoka went into another fit of laughter.

“Gonna do it again?” Leia raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“No.”

### 

Hera did it again. Though in her defense, it was somewhat unavoidable because Kanan was a conniving asshole, she found that she didn’t really mind.

The line of events leading up to it were a little less than desirable, though. She got caught slashing Dean Pryce’s tires (after she tried calling for the leftist students to give up and flat out refused to even acknowledge Steela) and was promptly arrested. She called Kanan, but she wasn’t entirely sure why she chose him. Leia and Ahsoka were both at work, but it wouldn’t have been the first time they would’ve had to leave early to come to Hera’s rescue. It had been a while though, and Hera wanted to keep it that way. Which left Kanan, no matter how much Hera hated it.

He seemed upbeat enough on the phone, clearly finding the entire situation far more entertaining than she did. But then on his way out of his apartment, he stopped. There was one thing he could do to both help Hera get out of her little predicament and get a rise out of her in the process. Or it would just piss her off. He wasn’t sure.

Oh, he’d be bailing little miss anti-imperialist out, all right.

He strode into the station in uniform--the first time he’d even looked at the damn thing in over a year. One cop even stood up when he walked in and Kanan had to bite back a smirk.

“I’m here for Hera Syndulla.”

The cop nodded and clicked around on his computer and shifted a few papers while another brought her out of the holding cell. Kanan couldn’t get a read on Hera. She was frowning, but she didn’t seem upset. She looked more like she was trying her best to focus. Or maybe keep herself from going off on a cop, which would be less than surprising.Kanan raised an eyebrow but stayed silent.

“She your girl, Sergeant?” The cop asked lightly.

“She is.” Kanan grinned and shook his head ever so slightly when Hera shot him a glare.

“Well...lucky for her, there were no cameras angled at the Dean’s car and she had no witnesses. I assume you can convince her to be more careful, Sergeant? But you still best keep an eye on your girl.”

Then you technically had no legal reason to arrest her in the first place, but okay.

“That’s a full-time job, Officer, but I’ll do my best.” Kanan said in what Hera’s assuming is his Sergeant Voice...and she tried ignoring what it did to her, especially combined with the stupid uniform. He was really letting her go…

Kanan placed a hand on Hera’s back and led her out of the station and toward his car.

“You’re seriously wearing that?” Hera hissed once they were far enough from the doors.

“Yes, because everyone in this town has a hard on for the uniform so I figured it might help me out. And clearly it did. You’re welcome.”

“I just never thought I’d see you in it. And I am not your girl.” She added.

“No, but to that cop you’re Sergeant Jarrus’ girlfriend and the jolly good Sergeant just got you out of a misdemeanor. So unless you want to go back in there to make that point and end up getting charged for real, just relax. It wouldn’t kill you.” Kanan laughed.

Hera kept telling herself how much she hated the military industrial complex but couldn’t find it in herself to deny how fucking good Kanan looked in his fatigues. His shoulders seemed broader and his chest seemed more puffed out, but she couldn’t tell if that was the uniform or his own doing. Had he always been that tall?

And so that’s how Hera did it again (and technically again immediately after). She rubbed her temple and questioned how she got there in the first place. She knew, of course. It was that damn uniform. She’d always had a thing for them but her self respect outweighed actually fucking someone that wore one. 

Until Kanan. 

She decided to place some of the blame on his height, too. That way, from her point of view, she really didn’t stand a chance. Throw in the abs and the chest hair she found herself thinking about far too often, and she was bound to wind up in bed with him again. Sabine, Ahsoka, and Leia had given her plenty of shit for it, but they also weren’t wrong. Hera hadn’t been fucked like that in, well, ever, and she wasn’t exactly ready to give that up just yet.

But had he come to bail her out like a normal person in his normal damn clothes without having a flair for dramatics, she would have kept her composure.

At least, that’s what she kept telling herself.

###

Hera, Luke, Ezra, and Leia were at The Hill (again) a few days later while Kanan was working--though to be fair, he was always working-- and it was dead as hell apart from a guy leaning way too close to Kanan for Hera’s comfort--comrades with benefits be damned, she simply didn’t like seeing other people all over whoever she was fucking. Kanan seemed bored by the situation and Hera did her best to force down the feeling of satisfaction that gave her. He did, however, appear to be entirely too bored so Hera decided to make things a little more interesting--for the sake of Kanan’s sanity, of course. 

“Leia, watch this.” She murmured, scrolling through her camera roll. She settled on a picture, and sent it to her oh so bored bartender before carefully setting her phone down. 

Kanan practically dove toward the idea of a distraction when his phone chimed. When he opened the message, he nearly choked on his toothpick, and he succeeded in choking on his own breath. His phone fell out of his hand and so began a delicate battle between his reflexes and butter fingers. He managed to catch the phone before it hit the bar or floor. He set it screen down in front of him and dragged his hand down his face. He closed his eyes and let out a breath in an attempt to recover. 

Hera simply held a steady gaze in Kanan’s direction while Leia burst into laughter--though Hera did get a confidence boost from his reaction, Ezra and Luke were far too wrapped up in each other to take notice. Kanan managed to gather himself and risked a glance in Hera’s direction with his mouth still hanging open. The way her eyes scanned him almost painfully slowly left absolutely no room for debate.

“Zeb, can you take over a bit?” Zeb waved above his head in some degree of acknowledgement, but he was entirely too wrapped up in conversation with a guy with giant ass mutton chops--Kanan was pretty sure the guy was a cop, but Hera seemed to be friendly with him on multiple occasions. She had to know he was a cop, so maybe he was an old high school friend or--fuck it. That really wasn’t what Kanan should’ve been thinking about right then. 

Kanan hopped over the bar and went up to Hera, who promptly grabbed him by the collar and led him toward the bathrooms.

“No, the back room’s cleaner, come on.” Kanan took Hera’s hand and navigated through the maze of people before finally reaching an old wooden door. He jammed the key in and ushered Hera inside.

“It’s nice. You always take your conquests back here?”

“Only the best ones.” Kanan smirked and made a beeline for Hera’s neck. He’d learned very quickly that Hera’s neck was one of her biggest weaknesses and he made a point of exploiting it.

“How much time do you have?” Hera rasped.

“For you? As long as I need.”

“You’re going to leave Zeb to fend for himself?” It was just a little hard not to let that go to her head.

“I have much better things to do.” Kanan pulled Hera tightly against his hips and went for her earlobe. 

Hera Syndulla was many things. Straight-A student, RA, borderline criminal activist, and considerable mechanic. But she was not, and had never been, subtle. The harder she tried, the more obvious she was. And that never used to be a problem for her because she’d never been terribly spontaneous.

Kanan changed that. He changed a lot of things, really, but at the moment, the most glaring change was the fact that she’d just fucked a bartender...because calling him a bartender made it easier, somehow. 

And Leia, of course, was relentless when she returned. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. One simple raise of the eyebrow and Hera’s face was on fire. Kanan seemed fine after adjusting his ponytail, and he was right back to taking orders.

“I’m not going to say anything.” Leia sighed.

“You just did.” Hera replied, running her fingers along the glass in front of her.

“Then I’ll say one last thing: say what you will about him, but he is getting you out of your comfort zone. And based on how red you are, I’d say you’re having fun with it.”


	9. Chapter 9

Sammo’s brother, Jer, was an exhibit designer at a natural history museum about an hour from campus, and Kanan loved it. He always passed on future exhibit information, so Kanan never missed anything. Sammo himself couldn’t have cared less, and he personally gave Kanan shit for his interest in history. Kanan didn’t care. The nature of his fifteen-year friendship with Sammo was pretty much built on a foundation of mutual ribbing. 

So when Jer relayed information about an upcoming exhibit featuring Soviet propaganda, Kanan instantly started making plans. Personally, he didn’t care much for Soviet history--his area of focus was more on Vikings and the Byzantine Empire--but Hera, Hera would absolutely love it. Kanan figured they could take another trip for it and that one wouldn’t be interrupted every thirty seconds. Sure, the idea of getting away with Hera was appealing, to put it lightly, but she was also sure to love the exhibit. And it would be a chance for Kanan to show her that he was more than some idiot former soldier bartender. He was a history major, after all. He’d be in his element. 

He called ahead that time--he really didn’t want a repeat of driving all across town to find a hotel and get another less than ideal room. Though this time, a single wouldn’t be a problem. Assuming she’d agree...and Kanan was pretty sure she would. A trip to see Soviet shit could technically fall under the comrade with benefits part of whatever was going on...But part of him still worried.

And that’s how he found himself standing in front of Hera’s door that afternoon. He was, in his mind, unreasonably nervous. It was just Hera...but that was the thing. She was never “just Hera”. That’s what made the whole damn thing so nerve wracking. He knocked, then paused...no answer. Kanan frowned and pulled out his phone. It was only one, and he was somewhat sure she had an 11 A.M. on Mondays. 

He shrugged and braced himself against the wall. He was pretty sure she stopped by her dorm after the class so she could get ready for her four o’clock. He hoped so, anyway. 

“Kanan, hey. Everything okay?” 

Kanan whipped his head around to see Hera approaching with her bright orange backpack slung over one of her shoulders. Her braids were wrapped together around the back of her head the same way she wore it when black blocing. She even had her pen behind her ear and Kanan had to bite back a grin.

“Yeah, I was just hoping to catch you before your next class.”

“Kanan, look, I’d love to right now, but I really don’t have time and I’m sorry, but--”

“No, no,” Kanan laughed, “I’m not here for that. I just wanted to run something by you, that’s all.”

“Okay, you’re sure everything’s okay?” Hera asked, unlocking her door. “Just come inside, not a fan of talking in the hall.” 

Kanan slid past her and ran a hand through his hair. He was tense; so tense Hera could’ve spotted it a mile away.

“Yeah, things are great. I just wanted to ask you something.”

“So ask,” she said, dropping her backpack with a loud thump.

“Right. So you know Sammo?”

“I know that Sammo is in your band and has blue hair and you’ve been friends for a long time, but that’s it. Why?”

Kanan wasn’t sure why, but the way Hera’d said it made him laugh. It happened a lot and he was becoming increasingly perplexed by it. He rubbed the back of his neck and swayed a bit. 

“Okay, well, his older brother works at World Treasures, and he’s in charge of designing exhibits and stuff and he always gives me heads ups on upcoming events and last week he told me about one I think you’re going to love.”

Hera raised an eyebrow and sat at her desk. “Okay, I’m listening.”

“Soviet propaganda. Like, authentic posters and everything. There’s gonna be a whole bit on the KGB and the effects of destalinization, how Khrushchev eventually being deposed played into things, and the prop that came out as a result of that. I thought that might be something you’d like.” Kanan fiddled with his thumbs, but he still wasn’t looking at her. 

“When do you want to go?” Hera smiled and turned her chair toward Kanan.

“You’re in?”

“I’m in. You have some good ideas sometimes, Kanan.” She said, patting his shoulder.

“Great! I booked a hotel so that we don’t have a repeat of that last trip and I was thinking we could go get dinner at--”

“Kanan,” Hera held a hand up, “I’m gonna have to stop you there. Comrades with benefits does not include fancy dinners.”

Kanan smirked and took a couple of steps closer to Hera. “Glad you agree. I was going to say for dinner I’m thinking Nathan’s. It’s the only one in the state, so I try to go whenever I hit the museum. But if a hot dog stand is too fancy for you, then there’s always McDonald’s.”

Hera rolled her eyes and lightly shoved Kanan’s arm. “Just tell me when you’re planning on going.” She mumbled.

“Saturday work?”

“Yeah,” Hera scanned her planner, “yeah, that’ll work.”

Kanan grinned. “See you then.”

“Don’t think this is going to make me stop hating you, Kanan.” She called as he opened the door. He stopped, but didn’t turn around. Hera didn’t need him to look at her to know he was grinning. She wasn’t sure why she said it. Maybe she didn’t want him to have the last word again. Maybe she did want him to know she disliked him (she didn’t and she knew he wouldn’t buy it). But maybe messing with Kanan was fun and maybe she got more of a kick out of it than she’d care to admit. 

“Oh, trust me, Hera. I’m all too aware.”

###

The exhibit was great, Kanan acknowledged that, and he thought it was probably some of Jer’s best work. But he still found himself spending virtually the entire day watching Hera. He couldn’t help it. She was just so excited and interested in everything they walked past. Hell, she even taught him a few things, and he found that he really liked that.

After making their way through the Soviet exhibit as well as maybe four or five others, Hera found herself especially lagging behind. Kanan caught on pretty quickly and dragged her over to a bench, despite her complaining. Within minutes, she was completely knocked out against his shoulder. Kanan smiled softly and let her sleep for a few moments.

“Hey, Hera,” He lightly nudged her shoulder, “Hera.”

She groaned, but opened her eyes and sat upright. 

“Still want to go by Nathan’s or do you just want to go straight to the room?” He asked gently.

“Food but to go.” She grumbled, rubbing her eye.

“You got it. Let’s get out of here, comrade.” Kanan grinned and carefully gripped Hera’s arm to help her up.

She fell back asleep the second she got into Kanan’s car, before she’d even buckled her seatbelt. Kanan chuckled and reached across to do it for her, but when he pulled his hand back, she darted out and snatched it before putting it on her knee. Kanan raised an eyebrow and smiled, but left his hand there until he got to Nathan’s.

###

Hera snuck into Kanan’s room while he was in his living room the next day. She’d been in his room many times before, though she was admittedly quite distracted each of those times. She’d never had a chance to really look around. She knew she could just ask him, but where was the fun in that? She walked past his bookshelf, full of practically ancient volumes about countries that didn’t exist anymore, most in obscure languages Hera didn’t immediately recognize, a modern and ancient atlas, and a fair number of Hemingway and Salinger novels, which Hera thought said a lot more about Kanan than he’d care to admit. 

She stopped short when she saw a small box wrapped in a black cloth. She scanned the room to make sure he hadn’t snuck in, then unwrapped it. Inside lay a Purple Heart and a Distinguished Service Medal. She stared at them for a moment before running her thumb over the DSM. They were heavier than she expected.

“I didn’t deserve the Purple Heart.” Kanan said from the doorway, eyes closed and arms folded across his chest. Hera almost dropped the box but managed to recover. “It was friendly fire. Took out my kidney, so if you ever need one, I’m not your guy.”

“What about the DSM?”

“We got ambushed on patrol, two to one. Two of my men went down, I took out five hostiles, Rex and our buddy Echo got the rest while I carried the two downed men to cover and radioed for reinforcements.”

“It messed you up, didn’t it?” Hera asked, carefully returning the medals to their place. She went over and sat on the bed.

“You could say that. It’s why I take five shots every night. One for every life I took.”

“Should you be drinking like that when you only have one kidney?”

Kanan shrugged. “Sorta deserve it, don’t I?”

“You didn’t have a choice…”

“I did when I enlisted.” He said, pushing himself off the doorway and heading back toward his living room. Hera followed him and watched as he pulled a wooden box, roughly the size of a book, out from under his coffee table, opened it, and started packing a bowl.

“You smoke, too?”

“Well, if I just got drunk all the time I’d wind up killing myself,” Kanan laughed, “are you okay with it, though? Because if you’re not I won’t do it.”

Hera nodded. “Go for it, but I don’t think I’ll smoke. At least not tonight.”

Kanan nodded before lighting up. He looked more peaceful than Hera expected him to after what he’d just told her. Though, she supposed, it wasn’t the heaviest thing he’d ever talked about, so it made sense. She watched him carefully. He seemed zoned out, every movement looked more like reflex than focused. He set the pipe aside and reached for his guitar and started lazily playing a song Hera only vaguely recognized.

“Is it okay if I change my mind?” She asked after he finished a second song. 

“Yeah, you’re always allowed to change your mind. Ain’t gonna stop that.” He smiled, then faltered. “Wait, what do you mean?”

“Pack me a bowl, please?” Hera grinned sweetly.

“OH! On it.” Kanan chuckled and got to work.

Hera tried pacing herself; she hadn’t gotten high in...well, longer than she could remember. It didn’t take much, though. The haziness was a nice change from the hyperawareness she’d been exhibiting. She felt like she could actually relax for the first time in months. But she glanced at Kanan and relaxing was the last thing on her mind. She scooted an inch closer. Then another. And another until she was all but on top of him. She pulled his guitar out of his hands and carefully set it aside and he frowned. 

“I was about to play a song for you!” He whined.

“Or you could let me sing for you.” Hera said in a husky voice. Kanan’s frown deepened. 

“What are you—“ He stopped in his tracks and raised his hands to his shoulders as Hera slid into his lap and yanked his hair tie out. She ran her hands through his hair a few times and his hands instantly found themselves on her hips. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Kanan breathed, pushing hair out of Hera’s face. She sort of froze and hesitated. 

“And you’re very, very pretty but this is not the time for kissing my ass unless you’re actually—“ Kanan took her literally and she burst into laughter. “Yes, yes, you’re very clever too, but if you don’t get back to the point.”

“Hera, you can’t blame me. Have you seen your ass?”

Hera would have gotten what she wanted had she not laughed so hard. When she laughed just hard enough, or when she laughed at all when she was high, Hera had a tendency to snort. She hoped that by whatever grace of god Kanan hadn’t noticed, but things never really did go her way very often.

“Did you just…”

“No.” Hera slid off of Kanan’s lap so she was sitting beside him and pouted. 

“You did.”

“No, I didn’t.” She looked away. 

“Holy hells, you snort!” Kanan was fully delighted by the revelation. Without looking at Kanan, Hera swung her leg around to push his face away with her foot. 

“Yes, Hera, you’re very flexible, and I’m very, very aware. But you also snort.” Kanan chuckled and slid his hand up to Hera’s knee.

“Only sometimes. Shut up.”

Kanan hesitated a moment, questioning whether or not it would be worth it, then, “It’s a very cute snort.” 

“You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.” Hera said as she stood up. Kanan let his hand drop limply into his lap. 

“You’ve been staying here a lot lately, but this is still my apartment. You know that, right?”

“Don’t care. You’ve been couched, Jarrus.” Kanan groaned but didn’t argue any further. He could have sworn Hera prowled back to his bedroom, though, and he watched very, very carefully. It took more self-control to stay put on the couch than he cared to admit. He figured Hera’d be back out once she felt she’d made her point. At least, that’s how it usually went.

But Hera was surprisingly resilient that time. Kanan fiddled around on his phone for a while. He hated going to sleep before he really got the chance to enjoy his high. After two hours passed on the dot, he heard his bedroom door open and Hera waltzed down the hall, head held high.

“That could’ve been some amazing high sex and you just let it pass.” He said. She dropped down onto the couch. Hera smirked and leaned in close to Kanan’s ear.

“Oh, trust me, Kanan. It was.” She whispered. Kanan froze.

“Wait, do you mean you--in my bed?” He practically squeaked. “Without me?”

“Think you can do any better?”

Now, Kanan wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. Ever. Even if said challenge was an extremely obvious attempt to get him riled up (and it had worked). He smirked and pulled Hera across his lap to the other side of the couch with just a little more force than he intended and Hera responded far more positively than he’d anticipated.

“Keep going, like that.” She breathed.

“As in aggressive?”

“Yes, fuck, Kanan.” She was clearly trying to sound annoyed, but she was failing miserably. Kanan took the opportunity and ran with it. He wasn’t high anymore, not mentally, anyway, but he had to keep himself strongly grounded to keep from losing himself too quickly.

Hera reached for the arm of the couch right as Kanan was “readjusting” her and--

“SHIT!” Hera yelped. Kanan dropped his hands instantly and scooted back.

“What? Are you okay?”

“No, Kanan, I’m not okay! I think I pinched a nerve or slipped a disc.” She pressed into her back gently, but still hissed at the pain.

“Shit, Hera, I’m sorry! I’m so...we need to get you to the ER.” Kanan could handle panic and stress--he’d literally been trained in it. But this was different. This was real and it wasn’t him on the line, it was Hera, and that was absolutely not okay. Hera nodded and stood, but buckled under her own weight. Kanan was quick to catch her. He always was.

“I’m just going to carry you to my car, okay? I don’t think you’d fare well with the stairs.” He said softly. Hera nodded and slipped her arms around Kanan’s neck, grimacing when he slid an arm under her knees. He was strong and Hera tried using that knowledge to distract herself from the pain. It worked. Sort of.

###

Hera hated being in hospitals. She’d spent more than her fair share of time in them when her mother died. They smelled sickeningly clean and artificial and just wrong. She’d been in the ER plenty of times, especially since she’d become more active in her protests. Hell, she expected to find herself in the ER. But never for this. Never for a goddamn sex injury.

Kanan stayed unnaturally quiet and that was honestly probably in his best interest. He also looked somewhat like a kicked puppy. Hera knew he was blaming himself and that he would for a while. But she did find herself somewhat amused by the situation. If someone had asked her a year ago if she thought she’d end up in the hospital with some injury directly related to getting her guts rearranged, she would’ve simply laughed.

The nurses seemed to think the situation was funny as well. Upon hearing the story, one nurse was painfully obvious in her attempts to size up Kanan and by that point, Hera didn’t care in the slightest, so she hit her with a glare. She figured short moments of jealousy were perfectly fine, so long as Kanan didn’t know about them. Had Kanan noticed she would’ve blamed it on the pain meds anyway.

By the time the doctor came around, Hera was feeling fine. She couldn’t tell if it was the muscle relaxer or the dilaudid...probably both, but she also didn’t particularly care by then. Kanan was still completely on edge, despite Hera’s insistence that she was fine.

She was discharged with a couple weeks’ worth of zanaflex and orders to take it easy a judging glance in Kanan’s direction from the doctor. She felt okay enough to walk to Kanan’s car even though he insisted they wheel her out.

“Kanan, I am fine, I’ve slipped a disc before. I’ll live.” She leaned into his side. “Will you carry me up the stairs, though? That was sweet and kind of fun.”

“Yeah, of course.” Kanan forced a smile. He was still utterly pissed at himself for the whole situation.

“And do not let this deter you from being rough in the future, okay? Seriously, Kanan. Promise?”

He pulled into his usual parking spot and pursed his lips. He’d never had a problem with it before. His-his hand had just slipped and…

“Okay.” He sighed. Hera grinned.

“Good. Now, my good knight, if you would carry me up to your humble abode…”

“Ah,” Kanan finally smiled, “somebody’s in a special mood from all the meds.”

Hera rolled her eyes. “Lots of talking and yet no carrying.” Kanan laughed.

“I’ll get right on it, milady.”

###

Even with the meds, Hera couldn’t sleep that night. Not because of the pain, but she would have taken the pain over the thinking. Kanan had fallen asleep easily, but not until after he’d set her up on a heating pad, set a few bottles of water and juice “for variety!” and some granola bars and crackers on the bedside table. He’d taken great care of her. He always did. He always put her first and he’d never made like he expected anything out of it. It felt like he just wanted Hera happy and had all her needs met and that was the problem. 

Hera knew he wanted more than what he was getting from her. She’d have to be stupid not to notice. And at first, she was okay with it. She figured he’d get over it. She figured she’d be able to live with his little crush, and for a while, she’d been able to. 

But she was starting to think that he was right and that was the problem.


	10. Chapter 10

January was even colder than November, just without all of the ice. This was the part of winter Kanan really loved. Pretty snow and sledding and skating and fireplaces and no spinning out while turning around the corners of Hill Valley. And he would have been lying if he said Hera’s absolute sense of wonder at every snowfall wasn’t a nice perk, too. 

Her ice-cold feet finding his bare back in the middle of the night was another story entirely. He’d finally broken his “I don’t sleep where I fuck” policy and for the most part, was with Hera more or less every night, usually at his apartment, with a few nights at her dorm sprinkled in. This led to the discovery that Hera wore reading glasses while doing homework and at night--a discovery that had positively elated Kanan and led to many, many attempts to distract her while she did her work. 

It was, however, making it harder and harder for him to deny that he had feelings for Hera. If he actually sat down to think about it, he’d know that he always had. It wasn’t like it came as some big surprise to him. But admitting it was something else. Admitting it made it real. And once it became real, he was done for. 

Yet he still wasn’t entirely sure of how he’d found himself on the heated blanket aisle of some retail store Hera would be sure to have a long-winded rant about. But it wasn’t a well-known online store Hera had literally protested against on multiple occasions, so he had to take what he could get. 

She was always cold--she blamed 18 years in Florida. She’d been up north a few times during the winter as a kid, but nothing prepared her for actually living in it, even four years later. Her feet and hands seemed to catch the worst of it, but she had a very simple remedy for it: Kanan was essentially a six-foot-three space heater. His torso was always practically on fire--in more way than one, according to Hera.

Kanan didn’t really mind Hera assaulting him with her icy limbs because as far as he was concerned, any physical contact was good and he wouldn’t dream of seriously arguing over it. He actually loved it, though he’d never tell her that. More than anything, the blanket was just an excuse to get her something. 

He wasn’t sure what he was looking for, exactly. To him, all the blankets looked the same, and it’s not like they had different purposes anyway. He grabbed the most expensive one he could find in green. She probably would’ve preferred orange, but Kanan wasn’t sure they even made orange heating blankets, so green would have to do. 

Kanan wrapped the blanket--poorly--though Hera did find it funny. The concept of Kanan giving her a gift did catch her off guard, so her initial response was a dumbfounded, open-mouthed stare at him. 

“Friends with benefits don’t usually do Christmas, Kanan. And Christmas was like, three weeks ago.” She said, pulling the patchy wrapping paper apart. 

“It’s less about Christmas and more about you attacking me with your cold feet at night.” Kanan sat back and watched Hera fiddle with the box for a while. “And I know, it’s really, really late, but I think you’re going to love it.”

“I hope you realize a warm blanket isn’t going to stop me.”

Kanan laughed. “I really wouldn’t dream of it.” He paused and rubbed the back of his neck. “Look, I know what this is, but I also want you to know that you’re way more than someone I enjoy jumping into bed with.”

Hera raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. 

“But I do also enjoy that! Very much so! I don’t know. I just,” Kanan let out a puff of air and frowned so Hera kissed the stop of his head. He didn’t get terribly flustered often, but she loved when he did. 

“I know.” She didn’t know how she felt about the unspoken me too hanging over her head. 

Kanan was a bit of everything. Surprisingly talented cook, thoughtful, funnier than she would ever admit to him, kind, headstrong, caring. Also a fantastic lover, but she would definitely never fully admit that. He was a bit of everything but Hera wanted more. She tried denying it, but never came close to convincing herself to any degree. Kanan was somehow everything but not enough--though that fell more on Hera than it did on Kanan. She realized she wanted more and that the only thing standing in between her and more of Kanan was her own pride. And Hera resolved that she wouldn’t let it stop her anymore.

###

“He...bought you a Christmas present?” Sabine furrowed her brow. “Your fuck buddy bought you a Christmas present? I mean it’s way into January, but that’s beside the point, but really? Are we talking about the same Kanan Jarrus here?”

“See, here’s the thing about that,” Hera said, “I’m not so sure that’s what this is anymore.”

Ahsoka choked back laughter and Leia snorted.

“I knew it!” Luke exclaimed.

“I mean, on paper it definitely still is. But I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore.” Hera twiddled her thumbs before gripping the edge of the couch.

“Because you love him!” Sabine said in a sing songy voice. Hera sighed but didn’t say anything. 

“Date him and I can have Ezra tag along for double dates!” Luke said excitedly.

“Kanan wouldn’t want to go on double dates that include his kid brother.” Leia rolled her eyes and shoved Luke.

“No, he definitely would.” Hera said thoughtfully. “But now I feel like I have to get him something and I have no idea what it should be.”

“You know what always makes a wonderful present for a guy?” Luke smirked. Ahsoka rolled her eyes and kicked him. “You guys are mean to me.”

“Take him to dinner and tell him how you feel. Lover Boy will be over the moon!” Hera considered Leia for a moment before deciding she was right. Hera smiled and pulled out her phone. 

Hera: Get dressed. Something at least a little fancy. Your Christmas starts at 8. 

###

Hera didn’t like getting terribly hopeful about things that hadn’t happened yet, but she couldn’t help but smile the entire time she got ready that evening. The whole situation was far from how her past relationships had started. So even that part of Kanan was different and she honestly kind of liked it. Hell, she even found herself singing as she got ready. 

And Hera had every reason to be excited. Though he’d never directly said it, she knew how Kanan felt about her. He’d made that almost painfully obvious in his attempts at stolen glances, the sheer happiness that radiated off of him when they were together, and then there was the deal with the blanket. Like come on. 

The only thing, though, was actually coming out and saying it. That would mean vulnerability, and even being certain of Kanan’s reaction was just barely enough to make it worth it. But the way Hera thought about it, it was, what, ten to twenty seconds of vulnerability, then smooth sailing. Simple. 

She sighed, realizing she couldn’t keep procrastinating any longer (she’d spent 20 minutes “picking out” a dress Sabine had already chosen for her). She took one last look in the mirror before heading down to her car. The drive to Kanan’s would be entirely too short, but the sooner she got him, the sooner they’d get to the restaurant, and then she could just get it over with. She pulled into her usual spot in front of his building and felt a quick pang of panic, so she called Leia.

“Convince me that this really is the right thing to do.” She pinched her nose and groaned.

“You don’t need me to convince you because you already know. Go.” Hera nodded even though she knew Leia couldn’t see her and hung up. The sooner I get him, the sooner it’ll be over. She made her way up the stairs and didn’t allow herself the time to pause before knocking.

It took him a minute to answer, and when he did, Hera felt her stomach drop a bit. He swung the door open and she was hit with a wall of the scent of whiskey. Strong enough, Hera wagered, that if she lit a match near his mouth, he’d turn into a human flamethrower.

He perked up when he saw her, though. A big grin split across his face as he took in the sight of her.

“You... look incredible,” He breathed. He wasn’t quite slurring his words and he stood just fine, so Hera decided to go with it.

“We’re going to be late if you stand there and drool too long.” She smirked.

“I’d take that.” He chuckled, still not looking at her face. Not that she particularly minded; she was sure her face was as red as the dress at that point. It was a hell of an ego stroke and it was one Hera welcomed warmly.

“I wouldn’t, so come on.” She finally tugged at his arm and he all but fell forward. Hera thought that might have more to do with trying to get a last look than the liquor. She hoped so, anyway.

He immediately ordered another drink pretty much the moment they sat down. Hera frowned, but she knew Kanan could function pretty well at any level of intoxication, so she didn’t really push it.

Until he ordered another drink before they’d even ordered their meals. Hera pursed her lips but didn’t say anything. It was an issue, for sure, but it was one she could bring up literally any other night, and she had her plan, so there was no sense in causing any tension before she confessed. She internally groaned at how stupid “confessed” sounded.

Hera was nervous and she was fully aware of the stupidity of feeling that way. Kanan would be on board; he’d hinted at it multiple times and she’d never been so sure of another person’s feelings before. She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath before calming herself (to a degree). More than anything, though, she was excited.

“Kanan, I want to talk to you about something,” She said, fiddling with her fingers.

“Yeah, so do I.” He mumbled. Hera bit her lip. She wouldn’t put it past him to beat her to the punch, and she sort of hoped he would, and he pursed his lips. “Dunno why I don’t sleep with other people.”

“Excuse me?” She let her hands slip off the table and tried ignoring the sinking feeling in her chest. It was a joke. A bad joke, but it had to be a joke. Kanan shoved food across his plate, but wouldn’t make eye contact with Hera.

“Not like you want anything more than sex, not like it’s ever going to get there. ‘M just another body to you.” Kanan scrunched up his nose and frowned. 

It wasn’t a joke.

“Fuck you, Kanan.” She shoved her chair away from the table roughly. Hera felt the eyes of the people around them, but she didn’t care. She was beyond caring about anything at that moment. She stormed out of the restaurant without so much as a second glance at Kanan. Kanan watched her go and grabbed his drink. He wanted to go after her and he knew he should, but he found himself finishing off his drink instead.


	11. Chapter 11

Hera stayed in her car for a good twenty minutes after pulling into the Marlowe Hall lot. She kept her hands on the wheel and gaze forward, replaying what had happened over and over. It was all some joke, right? The only explanation for what had happened was that it was all just some bad cosmic joke. She let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding and reached for her phone. 

Nine missed calls and 11 texts from Kanan proved that it wasn’t. She exhaled hard before unlocking her phone and scrolling until she found Leia’s name. She wasn’t about to open the can of worms that Kanan Jarrus had become. It rang once before an entirely too-joyful Skywalker answered and demanded the details of dinner.

“He said he didn’t know why he wasn’t sleeping with other people.” Hera said flatly. A brief pause.

“Funny, but seriously. What did he say?”

“He said that he thought he was just another body to me.” That came out a bit too shaky for Hera’s taste. She practically heard Leia snap her head.

“Oh my god, you’re being serious.” It was breathy and did nothing to steel Hera’s own emotions. This was exactly why Hera had only ever gone with her initial gut feeling and ended up playing it safe and close to the chest and it had always been Leia that encouraged her to take chances. And she felt awful.

“I know it’s just friends with benefits. I know this isn’t a relationship and I can’t reasonably expect anything from him, but Jesus, Leia, this sucks. It hurts. Fuck me for being stupid enough to think he actually gave a damn about anything but himself. Fuck me for thinking he actually wanted something with me. Hell, he doesn’t even act like he cares about himself at this point. He’s probably fucking someone else in the bathroom right now so I don’t know why the hell I even care.” Hera was rambling, but she didn’t care. It was Leia and she’d already seen her at her worst, but this wasn’t far from that. 

“Hera, it’s more than some fuck buddy situation and you know it. Denying that is avoiding the problem.” Leia said softly.

“And yet when I did try to tell him, this happened!”

“For what it’s worth, I’m positive he feels the same way and I don’t think he’s out with anybody else. He just has a really big problem with being a dumbass. In his case it may actually turn out to be fatal.”

“He has a funny way of caring, then.” Hera choked out a laugh and rubbed a hand over the chest area exposed by the dress she’d actually gone out and bought for that night. My fault for thinking things would be fair, she thought. She didn’t think like that. Self deprecating humor of any kind was not in her typical arsenal. Guess Kanan changed that, too. “I’m going inside.”

“I’ll be there soon.” Leia said before disconnecting the call.

Hera didn’t move, though. She knew the student working at the front desk in Marlowe and walking past her in that dress after the night she’d had was the last thing she wanted. But the cold one. She exhaled sharply and got out of the car. The sooner she did, the sooner she’d be in her warm--if she was lucky--room, and the sooner she could get out of the dress she never wanted to see again.

Hera had an impressive power walk. Time to see if it was worth a damn. The student she dreaded seeing perked up when she saw Hera and pointed at the dress. Hera simply offered a tight-lipped smile and picked up her pace to get to the elevators.

The ride up lasted an eternity while somehow taking no time at all. All the while, it felt as though the dress was shrinking and Hera very seriously considered just ripping the damn thing. Sabine had picked it out, though, and she’d probably kill Hera if she found out.

Leia arrived not long after, arms full of far more junk food than was necessary. The idea of eating almost sickened Hera. But Leia also brought her mother’s jogan fruit cake, and Hera could never refuse it. 

Sabine made an entrance a few moments later, declaring that she was fully prepared to kick Kanan’s ass the moment Hera gave the word. Or at least the moment Hera stopped paying attention. 

“Or more. I can make it look like an accident! It’s really not that hard!”

Hera laughed, but shook her head. As much as she’d enjoy that, it wouldn’t undo what had happened, and though she would never admit it aloud, she didn’t want Kanan to be hurt. He’d had enough of that for a lifetime--she was angry over the Army thing all over again, though--and she still cared about him, dumbassery not withheld.

Leia didn’t waste much time before relaying the information to Luke. She knew that he would immediately go to Ezra and potentially get answers as to why Kanan would go so far to sabotage himself.

Ezra, of course, had an answer. It was the anniversary of the day Kanan’s unit had been ambushed. Kanan always got excessively drunk on that day, partially to forget his fallen friends, but mostly to numb the guilt of taking the five lives. Ezra didn’t know how many people Kanan had killed--only that he’d done it. Kanan always refused to go into detail about it with him.

But Ezra didn’t know Hera knew about the ambush or that Kanan had killed people. And while he respected Hera quite a bit and thought she was a perfect fit for his brother, he was not willing to disclose it with her. He caught a great deal of flak from Leia, but he refused to reveal anything.

“It isn’t my place, guys. I’m sorry. He has no excuse for what he said, but he did have a reason for being as drunk as he was. He’s not even responding to me.” Ezra explained for the fourth time over a ten-minute call. Hera shook her head and shut herself away in her bathroom. It offered the only privacy in the tiny dorm room and she just wanted to sleep, but that wouldn’t happen until everyone just left.

She could hear Leia continue to press Ezra, but he wouldn’t let up, and truth be told, Hera didn’t really blame him. She pitied Ezra because the only person who knew just how relentless Leia was more than she did was Luke, and maybe the new guy Leia had started seeing--Han something or other. It was a stupid last name, anyway. 

“Leia, believe me when I say that I would tell you if I could. This is Kanan’s story. I can’t tell it. He is answering calls from our mom, but she says he’s being super short with her and not telling her anything. And I can guarantee he’s only answering her because if he didn’t she’d break down his door.” Ezra groaned. It was easily well past midnight, so Hera didn’t blame him.

“Oh, so he at least hasn’t drunk himself to death. Yet.” Sabine rolled her eyes. That pissed Hera off more than she cared to admit and she abruptly flung the bathroom door open. 

“He’s a dick, but do not go there, Sabine.” She warned. “Look, guys, I really just want to go to bed, so can we pick this up tomorrow or something?”

Leia and Sabine watched Hera carefully. Neither believed that Hera would go to sleep that night--they knew her better than that. But they also didn’t blame her for wanting to be alone, either.

“Okay. I’m just a phone call away, Sabine is right next door--”

“You can call me, too!” Ezra piped in. Leia rolled her eyes. She admired the kid for it, but he had to understand that it probably would not happen. And it would be through no fault of his own, but the brother of the guy that had just broken Hera’s heart would not be on her list to go to. They all left, Leia doing so while scrolling through her call log.

Hera didn’t sleep that night. She found the idea of sleep funny, if not preposterous.

###

“Kanan!” Rex pounded on the thick apartment door praying to every god he didn’t believe in that the asshole would answer the door. He’d tried calling him a dozen times; Sammo pretty much doubled that. Zeb thought Kanan may have actually drunk himself to death that time, but Rex hadn’t cared. “I will Weekend at Bernie’s that bastard to get us through tonight.” He’d said. Sammo, for one, had no doubts about Rex’s willpower and he had to work on setting up anyway, so the task of retrieving Kanan in whatever state he’d found himself in was completely up to Rex. Zeb claimed no responsibility because the task typically had fallen on him and he’d been sick of it far longer than he would’ve cared to admit.

The door finally opened, but Rex almost wished it hadn’t. Kanan stood there, all right, in a bloody gray t-shirt with a dried trail of blood on his upper lip and a delayed, stupid, toothy grin once he registered that it was Rex.

“What the hell happened to you?” Rex took a quick step backward. 

“I think I got into a fight last night. Maybe the day before, dunno.” Kanan smirked. He pulled his shirt out to look at the stain and chuckled.

“Sammo’s gonna rip you a new one, but you need to get yourself cleaned up. Now. We are not missing this set because you fucked up.” Rex crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.

“It’s Saturday already?” Kanan scratched his head and laughed. It’d already been two days since his “incident” with Hera. “Time flies, huh?”

“Clean up. Now. You can screw around all you want when we finish playing.” Rex growled. Kanan stared at him for a moment before shrugging and making his way farther back into the apartment.

“I’ll play but I’m picking the songs.” He yelled from the bathroom.

You’re as good as done, anyway.

“Whatever. Just hurry up.”

Kanan emerged from his room five minutes later with his guitar case in one hand and his keyboard case in the other. Rex frowned at him, wondering just how badly Kanan had fucked up to bring that out of his closet, but for the most part he didn’t care.

“We are late. Double time!” He called over his shoulder, taking the stairs two at a time. He didn’t need to see Kanan to know he’d twisted his face up.

“We’re not in the damn Army anymore, Rex. Cut the shit.” He mumbled.

“I’ll cut mine when you cut yours, Jarrus.” Rex replied shortly. 

They made it to the venue in time--barely. By the time they took the stage, Kanan had knocked back at least four shots. And that was before he made his way to the edge and saw an unmistakable flash of green.

Fuck.

Leia saw him first. She was unreadable, but she showed no sign of surprise when she held a steady, loaded gaze in Kanan’s direction. He turned back to Hera, who hadn’t seemed to notice him yet. There was no way she would’ve gone if she knew he was playing. She was talking to some girl Kanan didn’t recognize. She didn’t seem terribly interested--not compared to how she was with him once they’d gotten started. The blood in his veins ran cold, and the liquor in his stomach was suddenly white hot, but a little more wouldn’t kill him. He snatched some unknown drink from the hand of a girl near the stage, not bothering to look long enough to see how she’d react.

He wanted to punch something, but the only thing within reach was his keyboard and he was in no position to replace it, so he just launched into the first song instead, thinking about just how relatable his choice had been after all. Pet Names by I the Mighty. He never thought Hera would actually hear it, but it went with his luck so he shrugged it off. 

Hera didn’t turn until he started singing. She didn’t seem to initially register what was happening. But then she did and held Kanan’s firm gaze as he played. He couldn’t really read her, and not for lack of trying. No, he couldn’t read her because she wasn’t letting him. And he despised that. 

She rolled her eyes at the line about tequila shots, too, and Kanan chuckled to himself at the irony of it. He made it about halfway through the second verse before she pushed her way through the crowd to the door. The girl she’d been talking to didn’t follow her. She’d turned toward someone else and that, at least, got Kanan to smile. 

He switched his gaze to Leia for the rest of the song. She stayed, for whatever reason. But only until the end of that first song. He watched her walk out to the smoking area after Hera and let another shot fall back as the door closed. He had four more songs to get through. He could manage that. Probably. 

He played through the next two songs, but he’d really started feeling the liquor by then, so he missed every fifth note. Then every third. Not that he cared. Rex, Zeb, and Sammo were another story, but not one Kanan felt himself caring about at the time. 

He only wished Hera’d stayed inside because every song he’d picked had been with her in mind. It was only fair she at least listened to him cover stupid songs if she wasn’t going to bother returning his calls. Though if she was still in the smoking area--good chance as the place was fenced in--she could hear some of it through the door.

They finished the fourth song, and Kanan found he really couldn’t ignore the unrest emanating from his friends at that point. He’d strummed maybe four times throughout the entire song and that was being generous, and Sammo had to pick up his damn solo. Not that Kanan really cared, he would be playing the last song by himself, anyway.

He could have sworn he heard Sammo say something to Zeb or Rex halfway through him playing the second verse. And he had. “Guess all those years of piano lessons paid off because he hasn’t missed a single note and this is about as drunk as I’ve ever seen him.”

Hera and Leia made their way back inside as Kanan belted out “What if you’re someone I just want around?” from “Falling” and he let himself bask in whatever small victory it was. But it was also short-lived. Hera went out of the actual exit without so much as a peek in Kanan’s direction. He stared at the door for the rest of the song and for a solid 30 seconds after he’d finished. 

She was gone and hadn’t seemed to care and Kanan honestly didn’t blame her.

He’d been looking forward to the end of the set all night. Not so that he could run after Hera--though it wasn’t as if he hadn’t thought about it. He was about to tip back another shot before someone--Zeb, judging by the size of the hand--grabbed his arm and pulled him back with far more force than was necessary. The shot glass fell to the floor and Kanan watched it roll around longingly.

“The hell was tha--”

“You’re out, Kanan.” Sammo said firmly. Kanan chuckled.

“What are you talking about?”

“The band, mate. Your drinking’s out of control. You barely made it in time for the set and you hardly even played a damn note all night.” Zeb crossed his arms. Kanan studied him, then Rex, then Sammo. All were frowning and had their arms crossed.

“Guys, c’mon.” Kanan grinned and spread his hands apart. No one budged beyond deeper frowns. Kanan realized they were serious and he let his arms fall to his sides. “Whatever.” He snatched the cases to his guitar and keyboard and stormed out of the venue.

###

Kanan woke with a start the next morning to loud pounding at his door. Loud and forceful enough to make him throw himself off his couch entirely. He hit his head on the table on his way down and cursed under his breath. What the hell?

Three more knocks--no, pounds--at the door. Were they fucking kicking the damn door? Kanan rubbed his head and went to open it. He stopped to glance at the clock and then he got really pissed. Four in the damn morning.

Two more pounds as he opened the door. When he saw who was standing there, he sort of thought he was still drunk or that he’d hit his head harder than he thought. But no, there really was a tall man in his greens and it was a damn Four-Star General.

“Who the fuck--”

The General tensed up and stared directly into Kanan’s eyes with a stone-cold glare.

“I’m sorry, is that how you greet a superior officer?!” He bellowed.

Kanan froze. This can’t be happening...He’d been medically retired. There was no coming back from that. But why the hell else would a damn general be on his doorstep? He at least knew he couldn’t be court-martialed like that, not that he had any reason to be in the first place, but really? A damn general?

“Not a soldier, sorry, man.” He tried closing the door but the General was already halfway inside. Kanan started mildly freaking out at the prospect of some random ass general in his apartment--calling him random made the whole four-star thing a bit less intimidating...and then he saw the nameplate.

Skywalker. That’s when the panic really set in and it had absolutely nothing to do with him being a General. He knew then it wasn’t some bullshit tactic by the military. No, this was personal and Kanan wasn’t above admitting he was utterly terrified. 

“Damn straight you’re not. You’re pathetic. You really get off on treating women and friends like garbage, grunt?”

“No!” Kanan groaned and walked toward his kitchen, though he wasn’t sure why. “It was just a bad day.” 

“Think that excuse really flies, Jarrus?”

Kanan frowned.

“So, what, you take one bad day and purge every good thing you’ve ever known from your life? Good thing you’re not in the Army anymore, because if I were in charge of you and you pulled some bullshit like that...” Skywalker kept stepping closer and closer, Kanan kept backtracking until he ran into the table.

“You don’t fucking know my life, General.”

“Oh, I believe I do, kid. I took the liberty of looking over your files last night.” Skywalker growled. Kanan balled his fists.

“Don’t call me kid.” He spat. He held Skywalker’s gaze for a moment before he sighed. “It was the anniversary of when my unit got ambushed, okay?” He said quietly. “I just got a little too drunk.”

“Well, kid, if drinking is such a problem for you, why the hell do you still do it? Why do it when you only have one goddamn kidney? Are you so dense that you can’t see that it’s only hurting you or is that the whole point?” Skywalker asked, roughly picking up an empty bottle of vodka.

“I need it to get me through it.” Kanan murmured. Skywalker threw the bottle at the fridge. Kanan closed his eyes but managed not to flinch. “I didn’t ask for your help, okay?”

Skywalker laughed. “Oh, you think I’m here for you? That’s cute, kid. I’m here for the good people you hurt because you can’t seem to take responsibility for yourself. You need help, son. Not booze. Seems like you had a damn good support system before you went and threw it all down the drain.” He jabbed Kanan’s chest roughly. Kanan hung his head and dropped into a chair.

“Yeah.” Kanan found that he could no longer look Skywalker in the eye. He was there for Hera. Sure, the guy was a Skywalker, but how bad off was Hera for her to send someone in the goddamn military to talk to him?

“Good friends don’t come easily. Good partners are even harder to find.” Skywalker’s voice was softer. He clapped Kanan on the shoulder. “Think about what you did. Do whatever you can to fix it, if you even can. Dump the booze and get some real help, kid. I know you think the Army was a prison. You may be right about that, but living your life addicted to pisswater is even worse. Don’t trade one prison for another.”

“I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t mean to say what I said.” He said quietly.

“And yet you did both, didn’t you?”

Skywalker left as quickly as he’d come, but Kanan stayed in the chair. His phone went off and he rushed for it. 

Leia S: she was going to tell you she loved you, you fucking idiot.

Kanan stared at the text for a solid minute before launching his phone across the room. He pulled a half-empty bottle of tequila off his counter and downed it all in one go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanan's last set with the Lothwolves:  
> Pet Names--I the Mighty  
> The Fire, The Dark--As It Is  
> Don’t Wanna Think About You--Simple Plan  
> Fools Gold--Chapel   
> Falling--Harry Styles


	12. Chapter 12

For the third day in a row—he thought it was three, but he really had no clue, Kanan woke up with a massive hangover. Like, sitting on the floor of his shower hugging a wastebasket to throw up in hungover. He stayed in there for a half hour and only got out because the water went cold. He hadn’t left his apartment since he’d been out with Hera. He’d skipped class and work, and the only reason he still even had a job was the fact that Jho had come by to check on him. Kanan had been less than receptive, but Jho was always quick to cut him breaks. Kanan wagered that it was the only reason he was still around.

He got dressed and walked around his apartment, looking at the mess and thinking about how he deserved a hell of a lot worse. He stretched out on the couch until his headache died down a little--though it didn’t fully go away--before getting up to clean the shattered bottle. He slid his phone off the counter where he’d left it the night before after three more attempted calls and four texts to Hera, all of which had gone unanswered. It’d been like that since she’d stormed out of the restaurant.

He tried calling one more time and he was immediately sent to voicemail, though that was slightly better than being blocked.

“Great.”

He sat back down on the couch and thought about how General Skywalker had been right, no matter how much Kanan wished he wasn’t. He’d had something amazing; maybe not as much as he wanted, but he had it. He sighed and made his way back to his room, staring at his disheveled but empty bed and he found himself unable to stop thinking about how Hera should be laying there.

Kanan sat down and thought about how he was more far gone then than he ever had been. He’d finally been doing better, Ezra and Depa had made comments about it on multiple occasions. And yet he couldn’t find even a shred of self control that would have kept him from drinking. He remembered back to the conversation he’d had with Hera the first night they’d spent together.

“Complacency leads to loss.” He echoed.

He held his head in his hands and thought about how he was done for because he personally wouldn’t blame Hera if she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. He wouldn’t want to be with himself, either.

Then he stopped and sat up straight to scoff. Kanan Jarrus didn’t give up. He didn’t just lie down and let life kick him in the teeth...at least, not for long. He took a deep breath, stood up, and slid into some shoes so he could go replace his phone. 

That was step one. 

Step two would be showing that he did care about her cause. She’d never pushed it with him, but he knew she appreciated his involvement. Pulling some stunt of his own accord to prove he believed in it could potentially stand out to her.

He plugged his phone into his laptop to download the backup and flinches when he saw pictures of himself and Hera but rather than let it knock him down, he used it to motivate himself to win her back. He puts one of the pictures as his background and started looking through upcoming university events and froze. 

There was a Hill Valley Police Department Appreciation Day Parade the next day. Perfect. There was no way in hell Hera would miss that. Kanan took a deep breath, went to his closet, and pulled out his uniform. The sight of it still twisted his stomach into knots, but if he really wanted to make a statement, he’d have to suck it up.

“Your move, Syndulla.”

###

Hera adjusted her mask and scanned the crowd at the parade. It seemed to be all blue line supporters, which made Hera sick considering the only reason the cops were holding the parade in the first place was to distract from Steela’s death and their lack of action. Ahsoka, Sabine, Luke, and Ezra were with her, but she found herself trying to avoid Ezra.

She felt bad about it, she knew the poor kid hadn’t done anything, but every time he’d tried talking to her since her falling out with Kanan, she would end up feeling either light-headed or nauseated. Typically both. She kept telling herself she just needed time, but convincing herself of that was another story entirely. She watched as two patrol cars turned the corner with their lights flashing and for lack of a better word, a small army of officers, walked together, all smiling and waving and throwing out candy. Pigs. 

The next few moments came in a blur. From the corner of her eye, Hera saw someone vault one of the barriers wearing full Army fatigues with bullhorn in hand. 

“Oh, shit.” Ezra breathed, eyes wide. Hera took a moment to glance at him before she turned back toward the street. She tried convincing herself that it wasn’t Kanan, that it couldn’t be, but the little ponytail sticking out from under the hat made that a bit difficult. He calmly strode to the middle of the road, put one hand behind his back, and stood with his legs just so parted. The cops in front of him slowed and looked at each other with a hint of confusion, but didn’t fully stop.

Kanan pulled the bullhorn up to his mouth.

“COWARDS!” He paused, letting the word echo down the street. “The ONLY reason these pigs are even holding this bullshit parade is to distract from the fact that THEY are responsible for the death of Hill Valley student Steela Gerrera.” Multiple cops frowned and made their way toward Kanan. He started walking backwards, but didn’t falter. “In fact, your precious cowards in blue are so guilty that they didn’t even launch an investigation into her death!”

Four cops surrounded Kanan but he simply laughed and sized them up.

“The ONLY people they protect and serve are their fellow crooks hiding behind a cheap badge!” One cop knocked the bullhorn out of his hand, and a few people covered their ears from the feedback when it hit the ground. Another swung at him, but he missed. The first cop threw a punch that landed right on Kanan’s temple, staggering him. While he was on his knees, the other two grabbed Kanan’s arms and roughly shoved him into the pavement, succeeding in scraping his cheek, though he didn’t let it wipe the smile off his face. At least, that’s what Hera thought he was going for. It looked more like a growl to her.

Hera took a step forward, but Ahsoka roughly grabbed her shoulder and shook her head. She frowned and stepped back into place, watching as Kanan was cuffed and shoved violently into the lead squad car. If she didn’t know better, Hera could’ve sworn they shoved his head against the car on purpose. $10 says that’s a concussion... 

The reaction from the crowd was mixed; some in blue line shirts cheered, but for the most part, the only response was a series of murmurs. The squad car drove off. Hera closed her eyes tightly and exhaled before making her way to where she’d parked. Ezra had started to ask what she was doing, but Luke shook his head, and nudged his shoulder, so he frowned instead. 

Hera let her head fall back after she parked at the police station. Kanan hadn’t called her, which she really didn’t fault him for, but she knew exactly what he’d been aiming for with his little stunt. She couldn’t find it within her to get out of her car, though, so she sat and listened to whatever song was playing on the radio, though she didn’t really register any of it.

Her phone went off and she sighed.

Leia: Do it.

Of course Leia would already know what had happened. She wouldn’t have put it past Kanan to tell her beforehand, but she’d probably heard from Luke. Hera laughed hollowly, put her phone in the glove box, and made her way into the station. But when she entered, she saw Kanan already signing paperwork. She bit her lip and walked up behind him.

“Tables have turned, huh?” Hera said. Kanan didn’t look up, but he did laugh. “You know, the best way to go about a protest is to make yourself as generic as possible. Black bloc. Not walking out in your uniform with your name plastered on your chest. The whole point is to be anonymous.”

“Maybe. But arresting a veteran didn’t make the department look good. And there were a lot of cameras there. Looked like some live newscasts, too. They wanted publicity and they got it.” The cop in front of him glared before walking away. “They’re letting me go, anyway, so no harm done.”

“And if they hadn’t? And you cannot reasonably tell me there was no harm when your face is still bleeding and then there’s the fact that you probably have a concussion on top of that and, and--” Hera hated when she rambled and that was the worst possible time for her voice to betray her like that, but she also didn’t particularly care at that point. She walked side-by-side with Kanan until they made it back to her car.

“Then it would’ve been a fine or like, three months in jail.” Kanan shrugged, ignoring her concern about his injuries. He’d researched potential penalties, but Hera didn’t need to know that. “More likely would’ve been the fine since I have no record.”

“And you were really willing to risk jail time for your little stunt?” Hera scoffed.

“Someone needed to call them out.” He shrugged and buckled his seatbelt. His stomach was tight--he hadn’t been quite that nervous since his first deployment. But his plan had worked thus far; Hera was at least speaking to him again. And she’d come down to the station to presumably bail him out. So maybe all hope wasn’t lost after all. Kanan didn’t dare get his hopes up about it, though. He couldn’t afford that much.

Other than that, the ride back to Kanan’s apartment was silent. Kanan refused to look at Hera, afraid he’d jinx it all. Hera pulled into a parking spot and immediately got out and Kanan found it harder to keep from getting hopeful.

He unlocked his door and stood aside to let Hera in first. She brushed past him, still clearly upset, but Kanan decided to try his luck; he’d gotten that far and he’d already pissed her off beyond belief, so he didn’t think he had much to lose.

“Leia said--” He closed the door behind him. Hera turned on her heel. 

“I don’t give a damn what Leia said. Whatever it was is completely irrelevant now, and she should never have said it in the first place.” She hissed, jabbing his chest roughly for emphasis. Kanan brought his hands up to his shoulders and walked back into the door, grimacing because the knob was jamming into his spine.

Okay, so he could still succeed in making her angrier. Probably should not have underestimated that. Kanan’s stomach sank but he nodded. 

“To be clear, I am not jumping back into things with you. I’ve been in relationships like that before and I’m not about to do that again. Especially with a fuck buddy.” Hera all but growled. Kanan felt like he’d been shot again and he wagered that it was exactly what she’d wanted. 

“I und--”

“I’m not done.” She said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I’m not saying things can’t go back, or that they won’t, but god, Kanan, I need you to realize how much that hurt. Why the hell did you say that? Were you projecting on me or something? I get that you didn’t know what I was going to say, and I can’t fault you for that, but why the hell…” She trailed off.

“I wasn’t projecting. At all. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know, Hera. I can come up with a thousand excuses for why I said that but none of them would make it any better, so I won’t. I will make it up to you, though.” He said sincerely. He took a couple steps closer, but Hera backed up, so he stopped. 

“I believe that you will try.” Hera said carefully, after a long pause.

Kanan frowned and rubbed one of his sliced-up thumbs. Hera glanced at his face before she pulled the hand toward herself to examine it. 

“What did you do?” Hera grumbled. 

“Sort of shattered my phone and it took its revenge on me,” Kanan chuckled, “got a new one though, don’t worry.”

“Because that’s the part I should worry about.” She mumbled--Kanan didn’t see it but he knew she’d rolled her eyes-- and led him to the bathroom to clean the dried blood off his face. From what she could tell, the bleeding had stopped, but that was also the least of his worries given what had happened. He still had a few pieces of glass embedded in one of his thumbs, so she pulled them out with tweezers. “Sit still.” She framed his face with her hands and looked at his eyes, then frowned. One pupil was definitely dilated and his gaze wasn’t steady. Hera sighed, more out of concern than true annoyance, but Kanan didn’t need to know that.

“Pretty sure you do have a concussion.” She frowned and slid her hands off his face just a bit more slowly than necessary.

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Kanan shrugged.

“That’s not a good thing, dumbass.” Hera rolled her eyes and pulled Kanan up and toward his couch. She didn’t want to stay. She hadn’t planned on it for the sole reason that she didn’t trust herself around him, but she also didn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone like that. But he had a doting kid brother who’d have absolutely no qualms over babysitting him.

Hera: Idiot has a concussion. You down to babysit him?  
Ezra: I’ll be there in ten.  
Hera: Don’t let him fall asleep or drive or anything. Just keep him in front of his TV.

They sat in silence waiting for Ezra. Hera made a point of only looking in Kanan’s direction to make sure he was still awake. She launched herself off the couch when Ezra came in.

“I’ll call you later.” Hera said. She didn’t wait for a response before she slipped out.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now kith"

Flowers hadn’t worked. Neither did the chocolates or even the new external hard drive Kanan got Hera. If anything, it only succeeded in pissing her off more, and he was at a complete loss. It was what she said, though, that really bothered him.

“If you think getting me gifts is going to be what fixes things, I might as well just go, because you clearly don’t know me at all.”

Kanan sighed and let his head fall into his hands. It wasn’t that he didn’t know Hera--he did and he thought he knew her pretty damn well. The problem was that relationships in general were not his strong suit; he’d never been in a serious one, or one that lasted more than a month, for that matter. Talking wasn’t always a strength of his and that always depended on how stressful the situation was, and the mess he was in carried a whole different level of pressure.

He felt himself standing up from his desk. He wouldn’t be getting any homework done, anyway. He absently reached for the shirt he’d discarded earlier and pulled it over his head. He went down to his car without a second thought. He didn’t realize what he was doing, truth be told. He was on autopilot; nothing was really registering with him. The entire drive was like that. He felt like he was watching himself, if anything at all.

He parked and hesitated for a moment before getting out and walking into the liquor store. The Kanan watching was yelling at himself, telling Walking Kanan to get out before he did something stupid, but Walking Kanan didn’t seem to hear. He grabbed a handle of Jack, paid, and made his way back home.

He stared at the bottle on his counter. He was mostly feeling better by then, but the experience left him aching for a drink. He heard a key go into the door and Hera walked in, actually smiling that time. Jack be damned, he turned and grinned at Hera. 

And then her eyes fell on the bottle. 

She saw red, almost literally. It was as if someone had thrown a molotov cocktail at an open barrel of oil...or napalm. Her anger was white--no, blue hot. She clenched her fists until she felt her nails digging into her palm and then she kept going because she didn’t care. She was absolutely livid, probably the most furious she’d ever been, and she wasn’t going to be quiet about it. The instantaneous change of her demeanor absolutely terrified Kanan to his core. He loved Hera but god damn she could terrify him far more than anyone else.

“I can’t believe you,” Hera shook her head and laughed, but there was no humor in it, “after everything that happened, you went out and pulled that shit?” She laughed again. “You drink that, I’m done. You drink a drop of that and you will never see or hear from me again.” Her voice was eerily calm then and Kanan found himself wishing she sounded angry again. Angry, disappointed, something, anything. The calmness was terror-inducing.

Kanan simply stared at her for a moment. He studied every line of her deep frown, the way her mouth was twisted up, the fire behind her eyes. She was breathing heavily, like she’d just sprinted three miles. She was shaking--full body shaking, not just her hands. Even her head wasn’t spared from the tremors.

Kanan, however, was unreadable. His face was set but blank. He inhaled and his loud exhale broke the silence that had fallen over them. He had a strange gleam in his eye and for a moment, Hera was afraid he’d tell her to get out. She didn’t miss the irony of giving him an ultimatum, in light of how her last relationship had ended. Except, Hera told herself, this ultimatum tackled something that was actively hurting Kanan; it wasn’t about control at all. She just wanted him safe, even if that didn’t include her.

Kanan closed his eyes and sighed before he grabbed the bottle by the neck. Hera closed her eyes as soon as he turned his back. She heard the cap crack and her stomach twisted into knots. And then she heard the sound of liquid hitting a metallic surface. Hera frowned and opened her eyes. Kanan was dumping the bottle into the sink. Her face softened as she watched the bottle slowly empty. He shook the last few drops out of the bottle and set it on the counter before gripping the edge of the sink so tightly his knuckles went white.

Hera didn’t hesitate to make her way over to Kanan. She put a hand on his shoulder and the other on his hip and pressed her face into his back. They stood like that for a few moments before Kanan turned around so that he could hold Hera. He was breathing hard and holding her tightly, almost to the point of discomfort but Hera didn’t care. He’d dumped it. He was quitting and that was all that mattered to her. They stood that way for a good five minutes before Kanan pulled away and grabbed his keys off the table.

“Where are you going?”

“Can’t quit drinking if I’m still working at a bar. I’ve gotta go tell Jho I’m quitting. Wanna come with me?” He smiled, albeit a little weakly. Hera smiled and nodded, quick to take Kanan’s hand.

Jho was happy--no, that was an understatement. The guy seemed over the moon when Kanan told him why he was quitting. 

“You going to rehab?”

“Guess so. Wouldn’t want to detox on my own.” Kanan shrugged. Jho nodded and smiled.

“I’ll pay your rent while you’re there.” Kanan tried to object, but Jho held up a hand to stop him. “You’re the best bartender I ever had. Please, Kanan. I insist.” 

Kanan nodded, pulled Jho into a hug, and he and Hera made their way back to his apartment. On the way, Hera sent Leia a text to let her know the good news.

Leia: Are you serious? He’s really doing it?  
Hera: It sure seems that way.  
Leia: My dad wants to pay for his treatment. He said it wasn’t up for debate.

Hera frowned at that. Anakin didn’t even know Kanan. Though he had always been a sucker for helping people in need, so the gesture didn’t surprise her that much.

“So, the twins’ dad wants to pay for your treatment.” Hera said quietly. Kanan stiffened up and bit his lip. Hera frowned. He couldn’t seriously want to do it himself…

“Well I certainly can’t afford it. I’ll have to remember to thank him sometime.”

“Knowing Padmé, they’ll invite you over when you get out.” Hera scratched the side of her head. Kanan was definitely feeling something strangely about the information, but she couldn’t place her finger on it.

“She’s a senator, right?”

“And he’s an Army general, yeah. That makes for very sizable salaries, but they donate over half of what they make every year and Padmé started up a couple of charities and a scholarship fund, so they’re the okay kind of rich people.”

It started to snow as soon as they got back to the apartment. Hera ran to the window to watch the snow fall as she always did when it snowed while she was at Kanan’s. Kanan smiled and pressed himself against her back, so she leaned into him so that he supported her weight. He wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on the top of her head.

After a few minutes, Hera realized she needed to tell Kanan she was taking him to rehab. Kanan knew it was coming and he knew that medically speaking, he would need it. One of his old army buddies died detoxing at home, but he was not telling Hera that. She frankly didn’t need to know because she’d just worry even more and he didn’t want that.

“You can just say it. I know it’s coming and it isn’t like I’d fight you on it.”

“Then I don’t need to say it, do I?”

Kanan laughed. “I need to go to rehab. And I needed to say it out loud to make it real.”

They got into Hera’s car and even though she was going five under the whole way, the drive was still far too short. She pulled into a spot and grabbed the wheel tightly. Kanan studied her out of the corner of his eye. He hated that she was so visibly stressed and he despised that it was his fault. He needed to distract her and he needed to do it fast.

“Guess you really are my girlfriend now that you’re checking me into rehab, huh?” Kanan laughed and ran a hand through his hair. He meant it as a joke, but he was still serious about it at the same time. He expected a sarcastic response from Hera along the lines of “That’s how you’re going to do it?”, but it never came.

“I guess so.” She smiled instead before pulling him in for a kiss. 

“Who’s gonna be winning the bet based on this?” Kanan asked through the biggest grin Hera’d ever seen on him. 

“Sabine thought we’d end up together by New Year’s, Ahsoka said closer to St. Patrick’s Day, and Leia was dead set on Valentine’s Day from the beginning, so she was the closest. Ezra and Luke were kind of close, though.” They’d chosen President’s Day of all damn days. And they hadn’t named the actual date, either. No, they’d flat out named the holiday and never gave a shred of context as to why.

“How much is she making off it? Shouldn’t we be getting a cut?”

“I’m not sure. Knowing Sabine and Leia, it was a lot, and I’m pretty sure Sabine doubled it after she caught you at my dorm that first night, but they would never tell me. I only know about the bet in the first place because they wanted to give me shit for it.” She paused for a moment and took a long look at Kanan. “Let’s go, love. The sooner you get in, the sooner you’ll be out.” Hopefully.

She was going to tell him. He’d be gone for an entire month, so she figured she damn well better tell him before she left. She had to. She wasn’t about to leave him in some unfriendly facility surrounded by strangers where she could only see him for two damn hours a week without saying it.

And she would have, if he hadn’t started vomiting as soon as they walked through the doors. A couple of people rushed to his side and walked him back. Hera felt helpless and she hated herself for it. She knew he needed to be there. She couldn’t give him the care he’d need while detoxing. But that didn’t stop the unease building in her stomach. He wouldn’t be home for a month and a lot could happen in a month. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him; she did. But she would’ve been lying if she wasn’t at least a little worried he’d feel differently if he was sober. 

It wasn’t until she got back into her car that she realized it was the day before the Super Bowl--Kanan’s lifelong favorite team would be playing and he wouldn’t get the chance to watch.

He was allowed visitors, but only for an hour twice a week and Hera absolutely hated it. She thought about it for her entire drive home. She understood why that rule was in place, of course, and she knew part of her was just being selfish, but she hated it and just wanted to be able to see Kanan, damn it. She missed him already and she knew it would only get worse as time went on. She couldn’t even text him because the damn place didn’t allow cell phones.

By the end of the first week, Hera found herself diving into coursework for a distraction. It was an old habit she developed in high school and she was damn thankful for it. Her friends were supportive, as she knew they’d be, but she still ended up thinking about it on a regular basis. They didn’t have to be in Kanan’s corner, especially considering they were at his throat not two days beforehand. They were, though, and Leia was spearheading the entire support movement on top of Anakin insisting he be the one to pay for Kanan’s treatment. 

Hera was waist deep in a psychology essay when Ezra called. She frowned and connected it, and would have been lying if she said her heart rate hadn’t picked up. She wasn’t listed as Kanan’s emergency contact, but they had said they’d call her if anything happened. 

“Ezra?”

“Hera, hey. What’s up?”

“Homework.” She said uneasily. Something was wrong. Why else would he be calling?

“What dorm room are you in again?” Ezra didn’t seem distressed, and that was a good sign, but he sounded weird and it did nothing to calm Hera down.

“D4012 in Marlowe. Why?”

“Oh, nothing, really. My mom’s coming by in a few minutes, though.”

Nothing? Ezra thought that was nothing? Even for a lack of blood relation, he really gave Kanan a run for his money when it came to cluelessness. 

“Your mother?” Hera repeated. She wanted to meet her, absolutely, but when she pictured it she didn’t exactly think she would have just checked Kanan into fucking rehab and that he’d be there. Hera wasn’t scared of many things, but meeting parents always made her uneasy.

“She’s really nice, don’t worry! She’s going to love you and I think you’re gonna like her, too. She’s really easy to get along with.” Easy for you to say, she’s your damn mother. “Just wanted to double check on your room number and give you a heads up. Bye!”

Hera tossed her phone onto her desk in frustration. She knew the kid meant well, but waiting to tell her about his mother coming to visit until she was damn well probably already in the building was not his best moment. Hera sighed and turned back to her laptop. She figured she may as well channel her stress into her paper, even though it wasn’t due for another two weeks. 

She didn’t get the chance. There was a knock at the door and Hera shot straight up out of her chair. She didn’t bother shutting her laptop; looking like a good student would pay off. Hopefully.

She let out a strong breath and opened the door to find a woman with tan skin and jet black hair drawn back into two braided loops standing before her. She was shorter than Hera’d expected. She smiled warmly.

“I’m sorry to show up unannounced, Hera,” her smile turned apologetic, “but I thought it was time we met, given the circumstances.”

Hera swallowed hard and smiled.

“It isn’t an issue. Please, come in.” She felt awkward and she hated it. Maybe being in her room would do something to calm her nerves. Depa nodded and walked past Hera, raking her eyes across the room. Hera was glad she’d brought out her book stacks and placed them in various spots around her room. It still barely looked lived in, which was sort of true given how often she’d been staying at Kanan’s--even when he’d been at rehab. She claimed it was to take care of the apartment while he was gone, and that was partially true, but she was mostly there because it was his and his bed smelled like him, and it gave her the chance to raid his closet for hoodies. Depa seemed to notice she was wearing one of Kanan’s old high school hoodies, but she didn’t say anything. 

“I wanted to thank you.” Depa said, sitting at Hera’s desk. She glanced at the open laptop and smiled.

“Thank me?”

“That's why I brought this.” She placed a rectangular pan of lasagna on Hera’s desk. Hera frowned.

“I feel like I should be the one bringing you food.” Hera laughed and rubbed her arm.

Depa smiled sadly and reached for her hand. “Hera, I’ve been trying to get him into rehab since before he even got out of the military. I tried getting him to go for over three years and you did it in two months. Let me show you my gratitude for saving my son.” 

Hera stared at her a moment before nodding. She didn’t want to credit herself with getting Kanan to seek treatment; he’d done that himself. No matter his reasons, it had been his decision and it wasn’t one she would take from him.

“Things won’t be easy going forward. Kanan won’t just magically be immune from the temptation of alcohol when he walks out of that facility. It’ll be an uphill battle. You can walk away from that if you need to. Your health matters, too.”

Hera frowned hard, felt herself physically recoil, and stood. “You’re trying to give me an out.” Depa doesn’t respond. 

“That’s not going to happen.” Hera’s tone kind of surprised Depa--pleasantly. She was far more firm and sounded fully offended by the suggestion. She didn’t push it. She had all the answers she needed, so she nodded and stood before pulling Hera into a tight hug. 

“You’re a good one.” She said, closing the door quietly behind her. Hera was a little put off by the exchange, but she thought she understood. She didn’t doubt Depa’s sincerity when it came to the question of her own health, but she couldn’t help feeling like it was a test in its own right.

She stayed at Kanan’s that night. She didn’t necessarily like being there alone; not while Kanan was in a tiny, lifeless room with an uncomfortable bed. She brought Depa’s lasagna, though, and upon tasting it, decided that she was a very welcome factor in her life, after all.

Hera grabbed a new t-shirt from Kanan’s closet, pausing while pulling it over her head to breathe in the smell. It wasn’t the same as, say, hugging Kanan or pressing her face into his neck, but it was better than nothing and Hera was in no position to be picky.

The month took forever but also passed in no time at all. It was a weird feeling. When the time came to pick Kanan up from the treatment facility, Hera found herself far more nervous than she would’ve liked to have been. Ezra and Depa were with her, and Depa elected to drive. Both Hera and Ezra were silently grateful; they were both far too on edge to do it themselves. Hera was sure Depa was, too, but she hid it well.

“Don’t mention the Super Bowl when we get there. Kanan wasn’t able to watch it, but I recorded it so he could when he got out.” She wanted him to experience it for himself and she’d be damned if anybody ruined that for him. Depa grinned and Ezra frowned a bit, but both nodded.

Hera kept cracking her knuckles while in the waiting room. It was an old nervous habit she’d never been able to break, though it wasn’t one she cared to break. The staff was taking too long and Hera knew she was being unreasonable, but she didn’t care at that point. Kanan hadn’t been home in 29 days and she just wanted him back.

He finally turned around the corner of the main hallway. He was very noticeably healthier. His face was brighter and less hollow. His eyes were shining and practically glowing when the light hit them just right. That alone made each of the 29 days worth it to Hera.

Kanan caught sight of Hera and a huge grin spread across his face. He didn’t wait to be guided to her; he darted off, all the while wishing he could just run faster. Or teleport. Either one would work at that point.

He finally reached her, and when he did, he wrapped his arms tightly around her before lifting her off the ground. He was easily at the happiest Hera had ever seen him--even Ezra was pleasantly surprised by it. He was laughing and smiling so hard his cheeks hurt, but he didn’t care. He made it through rehab, he was back with Hera, and he was determined not to land himself in a compromising situation again. He wouldn’t allow it.

Kanan had thought about what had happened between himself and Hera a lot over his time in the facility. He’d fucked up--he never denied that. But he was determined to keep himself on the straight and narrow so as not to put himself in a situation where he could lose Hera again, because if he did, he wouldn’t be getting her back.

He finally let Hera back down, but he held her hand as he ruffled Ezra’s hair and pulled his mother into a hug. He eventually had to let go; his caseworker wanted to go over his treatment with Hera and Depa, but he did it reluctantly. Hera smiled and kissed his cheek before going back, while he stayed in the lobby with Ezra.

They returned about twenty minutes later, both carrying large packets, presumably the information about his time in the center. He was finally able to leave the blasted place and he made a solemn promise to himself to never return. 

On the car ride to his apartment, he was pretty much glued to Hera’s side. He talked a lot; the questions were all but incessant, but he kept his arm and leg pressed to Hera’s and his hand was on her knee. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen her in a while; she had gone to every available visiting hour and it’d only been two days since he last saw her. But that didn’t matter to him because an hour a day twice a week hadn’t been enough. He couldn’t picture a universe in which it would be.

Depa and Ezra stayed far longer than either Kanan or Hera cared for. It wasn’t saying much; they were only there for a half hour, forty-five minutes tops. They finally left, though, and Hera didn’t waste any time in turning to Kanan.

“How was the evaluation?”

“Didn’t they tell you at the center?” He frowned.

“Yes, but I’d rather hear it from you.” Hera said softly. Kanan huffed and shrugged. 

“She said she thinks I have complex PTSD and depression, so she put me on Zoloft and recommended a therapist. He came by a few times and he seemed nice enough. His office isn’t too far from here so I’ll probably just walk to my sessions. I think that’d be a good idea now that it’s nicer out.”

“Are you going to go?” She asked plainly. Kanan frowned and studied her for a moment. Did she really think he wouldn’t when he knew the stakes?

“Of course I’m going. Doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, but I think it could really help. And I don’t want to put myself in a position to lose again.” In a position to lose you. 

###

“Thank you, Kanan.” Hera said softly. She kissed Kanan’s bare chest and felt him laugh.

“What, for the orgasm?” Hera lightly smacked his chest and rolled her eyes.

“No,” she scoffed, “although that was some of your best work, so keep it up. Thank you for throwing yourself into your treatment so fully and willingly.”

“I don’t want to open the doors to the alternative.” He said quietly. Hera frowned and pushed herself up to look him in the eye.

“What do you mean?” Kanan put his hand over Hera’s, squeezed, and sighed.

“The alternative being losing you and then losing myself to booze, whether that ends in me on the streets or dead. I was close to that--too close. I’m not going to let it happen.” He held her gaze. Hera slid her hand from Kanan’s chest to the side of his neck and he leaned into it.


	14. Chapter 14

It snowed heavily that afternoon. Kanan ended up moving his recliner to the window so that he and Hera could watch the snow fall more comfortably. She settled into his side and he draped her heated blanket around them. At one point Chopper jumped up and laid on their laps for a while and he even let Kanan pet him--Kanan was over the moon until the cat bit him before running off.

“Hera, look, I’m really sorr--” Hera cut him off with a finger to the lips.

“Not now.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to do that right now. I just want to enjoy this with you.” She said softly, nuzzling further into his chest.

Kanan smiled and pulled her close before looking out the window again.

###

Hera realized she should tell Kanan she loved him, but he fell asleep before she got the chance.   
Kanan had been falling asleep first ever since he got back from rehab, so she felt she should have anticipated it, but accepted it. Hera just laid there for a while and watched him. When he was asleep, he looked soft and young and happy and not at all like the Kanan that had been through a war or like he was fighting a hell of an addiction. When he was asleep, Kanan looked like an entirely different person. 

That night he seemed to be having pleasant dreams--he sported a soft smile and his face was more relaxed. She was glad that with everything else going on, he at least wasn’t having one of his nasty nightmares--of which there were plenty. After the first few Hera’d been there for, she’d started studying him closely. While he was typically a light sleeper, that quality didn’t seem to extend to his nightmares. If she didn’t shake him awake, he’d be doomed to suffer through them and on more than one occasion, he’d actually started thrashing and accidentally struck out at Hera. Never to the point of hurting her or anything remotely close, but enough to wake her up. She never told him--he’d beat himself senseless if he knew and telling him would accomplish absolutely nothing.

Not for the first time, Hera felt her mind drift to Kanan being adopted. He’d never talked about it and it wasn’t that she was afraid to ask, but early on, he’d told her about the war and some of the things he’d done, and yet he’d never come close to touching the subject. That wasn’t to say that Hera felt that he needed to, she just wondered why it hadn’t come up. She wondered if he would ever talk about it. 

When he was asleep, Kanan went from being the protector to the one who needed to be protected. And Hera realized that was something she wanted to do and would take seriously for as long as she was with Kanan. Hera hoped that would be a very long time. 

She kissed his cheek before she settled in to go to sleep.

###

“I want to bring out something new today.” Kanan said suddenly with his hands behind his back.

“What, you want me to peg you or something?” Hera laughed. Kanan shrugged. 

“Well, I would certainly never say no to that and I would very much like to revisit that idea, but that’s not what I was going to say. I thought about this in rehab and I was kicking myself for not showing you sooner.” He smiled and pulled an old, tattered copy of Salinger’s Franny and Zooey from behind his back. Hera was surprised, to say the least. She hadn’t been expecting a book, anyway, and certainly not one that old.  
“It was my grandfather’s. First edition. Only thing I have from my biological family. He left it to me when he died. I was 16 at the time.”

“Your biological family?” Hera frowned. She hadn’t even said anything about it. Why the hell was he bringing it up like that after she’d been thinking about it? He pulled shit like that all the time and Hera would’ve been lying if she said it didn’t freak her out a little. Kanan nodded.

“Yeah. They gave me up when I was born and it was open, but I still never knew anyone. She originally named me Caleb, though. Hated it and just decided on Kanan when I was 13 and my mom let me change that when we did the last names. Technically, my last name is Jarrus-Billaba. Ezra did the same thing with his name, Bridger-Billaba. We just figured it’d be easier. I was 13 when I was adopted and Ezra was 7, so we were both just used to our original names by then. I bounced around foster homes till I landed in my mom’s house. Some foster homes were okay, others made the Army look good. But after five years in the Army, I have half a mind to just drop Jarrus. Can’t stand it anymore and it isn’t like I have a connection to it in the first place. Just sorta figured you may have wondered about all of that.” He shrugged sheepishly.

“Are you a mind reader or something? Seriously, how do you do that?” Hera leaned back against the couch and sighed. “How did you know I’d been wanting to know?”

“People that weren’t adopted are always wondering about it.” He laughed. “But that’s not even the fun part.” He carefully opened the cover and showed Hera the title page. It was signed.

“Is that real? J.D. Salinger actually signed that?”

“Yeah, had the head of the English department check it out. Dude tried to buy it off me, though. It’s one of my favorite things and I thought you might think it was cool, too.” Kanan smiled sheepishly.

“I would offer to read it to you, but it looks like it’d fall apart.” Hera laughed. Kanan shot up off the floor and darted toward his bedroom and returned just as quickly.

“Don’t worry, I have a paperback! Franny is actually my favorite of all of Sal’s works. Teddy is a close second, then Esmé, Bananafish, then Catcher. Franny and Teddy tend to switch around a lot, though.” He exclaimed breathlessly, holding up a much nicer-looking copy. Hera laughed a little at his enthusiasm and reached out for the book. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t get an ego stroke any time Kanan wanted her to read to him.

###

Hera thought it best that they take things nice and easy for a while. No protests. Just class, work, walks around campus, and some of the school’s baseball and softball games. Kanan insisted they go to at least one lacrosse game. Hera rolled her eyes but went along with it because Kanan seemed excited. Hera always thought lacrosse was stupid.

“I played for ten years.” He laughed as he and Hera walked out of the stadium after the game. Hera raised an eyebrow. Kanan certainly didn’t seem the type to play lacrosse of all things, though it could explain his long hair, and he definitely had the build.

“Any good?” Hera stuffed her hands in her pockets and nudged Kanan with her shoulder.

Kanan shrugged. “Sure won a lot.”

“Do you miss it?” She took one hand out of her pocket and grabbed Kanan’s instead. He didn’t look at her but he twined their fingers together and he gave her hand a quick squeeze.

“All the time.” He said softly with a smile.

“Then let’s play sometime. You’d have to teach me, though.” 

“Even better.” Kanan grinned. He didn’t stop smiling the entire way back to his apartment.

“My high school had teams but I avoided them all like the plague.” Hera laughed. Kanan grinned and shook his head.

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.” Kanan chuckled.

As soon as they got back to Kanan’s they got into his car to go to his mother’s house. He left all his old lacrosse gear there because he frankly didn’t have room for it at his apartment. There was a lot of it, too. And he absolutely refused to get rid of any of it. 

“So, my mom is still going to be at work and she won’t be home for another,” He glanced at a clock, “three hours.” He shoved his hands in his back pockets and rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet.

“And like any former teenage boy you want to fuck in your old bed, right?” Hera raised an eyebrow and put her hands on her hips.

“Well I certainly wouldn’t say no to that.” He said with a snort.

Hera sighed and smiled.

“Get at it, then.”

###

“Well that covers that old dream.” Kanan sighed. Hera rolled her eyes at his grin as she slipped back into her clothes. Kanan watched her before he did the same.

“Are you going to teach me how to play lacrosse now?” Hera asked, ignoring his comment, but not without smiling.

“I’m game. Let’s go grab you some gear so you don’t get hurt.” The last thing Kanan wanted was Hera getting hurt on his account. Again. They headed inside to Kanan’s old gear room. It was really nothing more than a large closet, but “gear room” had a better ring to it than “gear closet”. He handed her his all white Cascade R, some old elbow pads, chest pads, and gloves from his freshman year that just barely fit her--they were still way too big. Kanan picked up his “old reliable” Under Armour Command X stick and they headed to Depa’s backyard. He dragged his goal out of the garage and set it up on the far end of the yard.

“Shit, wait.” He said before running back inside. He returned a couple minutes later with a Red Valley High School pinnie with “JARRUS” in large letters and his old number “02” on the back and handed it to her. “You can’t play lacrosse without a pinnie.” Hera rolled her eyes and smiled but put it on anyway.

“Okay,” He said once she had all the gear on, “grab the stick like this.” He held his out to show her his hand placement. She did the same. “Now catch this.” Kanan lightly tossed the ball to her and she caught it with a little difficulty. He scooped up another ball. “First thing first is cradling. It’s how you keep the ball in your stick, especially when you’re moving. Otherwise if you just ran with the stick in one place, you’d be one slash away from losing the ball” 

He showed her a cradling motion and she mimicked it.

“Good job. Now try that at a jog. If the head end is in your right hand, it should follow your right leg as you run or jog.” Kanan demonstrated what he meant. Hera picked up on it really quickly and Kanan was impressed. And admittedly kind of turned on. Fuck. No. Not that.

“Okay. Next. Tossing or throwing. Put your right hand above your left, that goes at the butt of the stick. Put your right hand near the middle of the shaft, and take the stick to your shoulder. Push with righty, pull with lefty. It’s simple physics. Try throwing.” She did and it’s a pretty decent first throw that’ll definitely improve with practice. Kanan grinned. If she ended up liking it, it could become a regular thing and fill the void it left in him. And a little extra exercise was always great.

“Next up, catching. Keep your hands in the same position. For this you’re going to want to essentially turn yourself into a target for your partner. Put the head of the stick between your ear and shoulder, but not literally right up on it. When the ball comes to you, let it have a little give, kinda like how baseball players run through first base. Let the stick fly back a little bit and make a cradling motion to deal with the kinetic energy as the ball goes into the stick.” Kanan passed the ball to her and she caught it, no problem whatsoever.

“I’m impressed. Are you sure you’ve never played?” Kanan asked with a raised brow and half smile.

“I haven’t, but I went to quite a few games in high school. I wanted nothing to do with it after I dated one of the guys on the team and it ended badly. He ruined it for me.”

That would explain a few things. Kanan smiled and nodded. “I can see how that would happen. I’m sorry for that, but thank you for taking a chance on it for me.”

“What’s next?” Hera asked excitedly.

“Shooting. The fun part.”

“And how do I do that?”

Kanan explained it before showing her a few times, first at a reduced speed before absolutely letting it rip. Then he stood back and leaned against his stick as he watched Hera shoot ball after ball until she ran out. Then she refilled the bucket and did it all over again.

“I see why you like lacrosse, Kanan. This is incredible.”

“Yeah,” He said, somewhat distantly, looking at her, “it is.” He wasn’t talking about the game, but she didn’t need to know that. He stared at her for a moment before he seemed to snap back. “So, you think you’re ready to try for real?”

Hera smirked and spun the stick around in her hands a few times. “Bring it, Jarrus.”

Hera was fast--much faster than Kanan anticipated and she used it to her advantage and scored first.

“The hell was that? That’s not fair, Hera!” He seemed legitimately upset by the ease with which she scored and she simply smiled.

“All is fair in love and war, Kanan.” She ran a finger along the underside of Kanan’s chin.

“I’m not going easy on you now.” He said, setting the ball down on the little X spray painted on the grass.

“Good. I’d hate to get bored or hurt your feelings.” Hera smirked. Kanan narrowed his eyes.

They played for another two hours until Kanan’s mom got home. They were absolutely drenched in sweat and out of breath, but it only made Depa smile.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you two today.” She said from the patio. Kanan let the ball roll out of his stick and onto the grass. Hera scooped it up and shot, putting her one goal ahead.

“Hey, that doesn’t count! We tied and we were done!” Kanan whined. Depa laughed. 

“I’ll go order us a couple of pizzas.” She called over her shoulder as she went inside.

“I guess I just won.” Hera set the stick against her leg, took off the helmet and set it on her hip, and crossed her arms triumphantly.

“Only because you cheated.”

“You never said we were done. If you didn’t want me to kick your ass you should have been clearer, love.” She kissed his cheek and started taking off the pads as she made her way inside.


	15. Chapter 15

Hera stayed at Kanan’s apartment during the St. Patrick’s Day parade. He was going to have his friends over to apologize for his last set with them, but after he managed to patch things up with Hera and then never had a chance to really spend time with her before he was checked into rehab, he scrapped it and spent the day focused on her. He’d call the guys up the next day. He didn’t hold back on food. On Friday he went to all sorts of restaurants to get Hera’s favorite dishes from each one, then the store so he could get stuff to make other dishes she liked. 

But St. Patrick’s Day at Hill Valley wasn’t just some holiday; no, it was the holiday lovingly dubbed “Fake Patty's Day”, and it was on par with the sacredness of every major holiday combined. The campus typically pushed it to the week after the real St. Patrick’s Day, but sometimes it ended up being even later if their big rivalry game of the season conflicted with things. As with most holidays on college campuses, it was nothing more than an excuse to get completely trashed, so it came as no surprise that Kanan wanted to be holed up in his apartment.

The state’s team played and while the game was back and forth for a while, they pulled through. Kanan had been a big fan of them his entire life because for the majority of it, he grew up 30 minutes from their stadium. Hera didn’t really care either way; her team had been eliminated before they even had a chance...just like they did every year. But Kanan had surprised Hera with her own jersey because “living here for four years means you’re home now and it isn’t like your team will ever make it, so you should probably just convert now and make things easier on yourself.” Hera had glared a bit, but was quietly very happy with the implications of the gift and wore it while watching the game, just as Kanan wore his.

It was the team’s first Super Bowl win in 50 years, so to say that Kanan was excited would have been an understatement. Kanan was still celebrating when Fake Patty’s organizers started the fireworks display. The first one went off, his brain essentially short circuited, and he tackled Hera to the floor. 

“Kanan! Kanan, it’s okay! It’s fireworks! Fake Patty’s, remember?” Hera said after recovering her breath. Kanan was laying on top of her, eyes wild.

“No, no, it isn’t safe, I have to take you somewhere safe. Please, Hera. Please let me take you somewhere safe.” Kanan was shaking and sweating his ass off, and his eyes were darting across the room. Hera remembered something she’d learned in one of her psych classes, shoved Kanan off of her, ran to the freezer--”HERA!”--grabbed an ice cube, crawled under the table with him and shoved it in Kanan’s mouth to try and break him. She pulled him so that they were both lying on the floor and she pressed his face to her chest and held him tightly.

“Kanan, love, you’re home. You’re here with me. It’s just fireworks. People just take Fake Patty’s too seriously. That’s all it is. You’re home, you’re safe, I’m here.” Kanan’s breathing started to slow. “You’re safe, love. Nothing is going to happen to you. I won’t let anything happen to you. You’re here with me and you’re safe.”

“Read to me.” Kanan croaked.

Hera frowned and scanned the room. Her backpack wasn’t far from the kitchen table, so she used her leg to drag her backpack under the table and pulled out a copy of “Crime and Punishment”--the only book in her bag--and started reading it to him. He was much calmer by the end of the first chapter. His phone had rung a few times but Hera figured calming Kanan down ranked above him answering it. She was sure his heart was racing and slowing it down was far more important than what whoever called wanted.

“Let’s go to your bed, okay? I’ll walk with you.” Hera said softly, raking her nails gently down the back of Kanan’s neck. He nodded and Hera helped him up off the floor, wrapped her arms around his middle, and led him to his bedroom, where he all but collapsed onto his bed.

“Drink.” He said, eyes forced shut.

“Do you want some water?”

Kanan shook his head roughly.

“I need whiskey.” He groaned. Hera felt her chest tense up.

“No, Kanan. You quit, remember?” Hera said softly. She sat next to him and put her hand on his knee.

“Quit drinking...yeah.”

“I’m going to get you a glass of water. I’ll be right back. Stay in bed.” Hera ran her thumb across Kanan’s knee one last time before heading toward the kitchen. Kanan’s face contorted but he didn't say anything. Another loud boom went off as Hera filled the glass.

“HERA!” She heard him bounding down the hall toward the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around her and roughly guided her to the floor. No, that would be putting it nicely. He pretty much tackled her again, but he took the brunt of the fall on one of his arms. The bottom of the glass caught on the edge of the sink and spilled on the counter as she went down. The water ended up dripping onto Kanan’s head and a few rogue drops hit Hera’s face.

“Kanan, sweetheart, it’s okay. It’s just firecrackers. They’ll be over soon. You’re safe.” By then, Kanan’s hair was out of its tie so Hera just kept running her hand through it and wiping water off of his face as it fell.

“I don’t care about me,” Kanan grunted, “I care about you.” That sent a little bit of a chill up Hera’s spine, but not out of excitement. Kanan’s tone was completely grave. He clearly meant exactly what he’d said and it was the implications of it that had shaken her. “He got me. I won’t let him get you. I’ll die before I let that happen.”

“Who, love?”

“Krell.” Kanan appeared more distraught in that moment than Hera had ever seen him. He clutched his bad hip absently and squeezed his eyes shut. Hera got the feeling there was more about the incident than he’d let on. 

“Love, no one is going to get me. You’re home. You’re sitting here in your apartment, surrounded by your furniture, your memories, this is your space. You’re not over there anymore. You’re home with me. It’s just us.” It occurred to Hera then that she never even knew where he’d been deployed, but she shoved the thought out of her head because that was the last thing that mattered. Kanan looked at Hera with wide blown eyes, chest heaving.

“I’m home. With you.” 

“And we’re safe, love.” She said softly, running her knuckles against his cheek.

“And we’re s-safe.” He repeated.

“That’s right. Nothing bad is going to happen. Firework curfew is in 7 minutes.” Hera said, glancing at the clock. “Then it’ll all be over and we can lay in bed and talk or go to sleep or watch those stupid stunt movies you love so much.”

Kanan nodded and stood up, pulling Hera up with him.

“I need to call Ezra. He’s probably worried out of his mind.” He said, Hera nodded and took his phone off the table and handed it to him.

“Yeah, hey, Ez. Yeah, I’m fine. Hera’s here and talking me down. She’s helping a lot.” He paused and pulled his phone down to his chest. “Hera, he wants to talk to you.” She nodded and took the phone. 

“Hi, Ezra. He’s doing much better now. I’m getting him some water and I’m gonna put on some Jackass to help cheer him up.”

“Do you need me to head over?” Ezra asked, voice laced with worry.

“No, I think the worst of it has passed now.”

“Please don’t leave him alone tonight. He doesn’t have his gun, Mom’s had it locked away at her house ever since he refused to go to rehab the first time, so don’t worry about that, but he doesn’t do well on his own after episodes.”

Kanan owned a gun? Hera didn’t have a problem with guns. In fact, she thought the people of the proletariat should own guns in case of revolution, though there should be far more restrictions than those that already existed. She just didn’t think Kanan would be keen on owning one after his experiences in the Army.

“I planned on staying the night so I could keep an eye on him.” She was going to stay the night anyway, but that part didn’t matter.

“Good. My mom will be heading over soon. She always comes when Kanan has an episode.” Ezra sighed.

“Thanks, Ezra.” Depa knocked right after she said it and she started to think Kanan’s mom could be summoned in a Beetlejuice-type of way.

“No problem, boss!” Hera hung up and opened the door. Depa studied her for a moment before offering a warm smile.

“Hi, Mom.” Kanan called from the couch, offering a lazy wave.

“Kanan,” Depa rushed to his side. “How are you feeling?”

“Still on edge but Hera helped a lot. Still is.” He watched Hera softly and patted the spot next to him. She smiled and sat down, settling a glass of water on the table in front of Depa. She was careful not to get too close to him, at least, not while Kanan’s mom was still there.

“Was it the fireworks?”

Kanan nodded and Depa ran a hand through her son’s loose hair, frowning. She never wanted him to join the Army, she’d always been dead set against it, but he wouldn’t hear it and kept saying he was doing it for Ezra. She had been terrified that he’d get himself killed and he almost did...only to make it and still be permanently affected by it. And for what? And to have been shot by one of his fellow soldiers, on top of it all?

“Well I’m glad to know he’s still in good hands. That’s all that matters to me.” Depa smiled warmly. She pulled him down to kiss his cheek and he groaned and blushed. 

“Mom, I’m almost 25.” He whined.

“And when you’re almost 50, you’ll still be my son.” Depa patted his cheek. “Be safe, eat your damn vegetables, and don’t forget to call every now and then. And it’s always nice seeing you, Hera!!”

“Vegetables?” Hera raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, yes. He has always had trouble with eating them. He likes them well enough, he just doesn’t like being told what to do.”

Kanan looked straight to the floor because he knew Hera was giving him a very specific look that said Oh, he definitely doesn’t mind being told what to do.

Kanan turned to Hera as soon as the door closed. “I don’t mind being told what to do when it’s you. It’s your damn voice, and it is not fair.” He said. He’d known damn well what was coming. She kept giving him the look, though, and it led exactly where she had wanted.

Kanan was unusually quiet afterward. He kept looking over his shoulder, even though the only thing behind him was a wall and pressing his hip. Hera didn’t want to ask about it. She thought bringing it up could start him up all over again and while she didn’t mind working him through it, the emotional effects it had on Kanan were far from worth it. 

She didn’t have to. Before glancing over his shoulder for what would have been the ninth time, he risked a glance at Hera. She was staring blankly at his right hip. 

“Never really talked about what happened that day, did I?” His voice startled Hera, but she recovered well enough. 

“You don’t have to.” She replied quickly.

“Today proved that wrong.” He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair and he inhaled deeply. “There was this guy in my unit. Krell. He was always off. Took things too far, hot temper. Littlest things set him off. One day we were on the range, the guy wasn’t hitting for shit. He never liked me and I was more antagonistic back then than I am even now. I made some comment about him spraying bullets, so he turned to me just like that, raised his gun, smiled at me and said, ‘Won’t be missing this one, though.’” Kanan laughed and mimed firing a gun. Hera couldn’t find her breath, much less a word to respond to that. “Being an asshole was bound to catch up with me eventually. Just didn’t know that it’d catch up to me in the form of lead.”

“Kanan…”

He smiled softly and shook his head. 

“Went into shock for a bit. We were the only two at the range and he stood over me for a while, just... watching. Things started getting blurry, and that’s where my memory goes in and out. I guess sometime after, another guy came down and saw me. Rex was with him. Apparently he tackled Krell through the barrier and just started whaling on him. Woke up sometime after. Kidney was absolutely shredded, fucked up my intestines, too. Clipped the back of my pelvis, too, so there’s a little wedge missing. Then it all got infected. That’s the part that almost killed me.” Kanan glanced at Hera and smiled. “You don’t have to say anything. There’s nothing to say about it, anyway. I, uh, just thought you should know the full story behind it.”

###

Kanan was a couple of weeks into working at some locally-owned bookstore. He didn’t even apply at some corporate place and Hera saw that as a personal victory in its own right. He liked it, too, and he was doing well. He’d always loved books, so working where he was literally surrounded by them was a big comfort for him.

She sat up on her arm so she could see Kanan better. He seemed to be dead to the world; his mouth was even hanging open a little. Hera smiled and kissed his cheek. He shifted a bit, pushing his arm over Hera’s middle to pull her closer. She sighed when the effort caught her off guard and pulled her onto her back again. She was about to flick his nose when he buried his face into her hair and exhaled contentedly.

“You’re lucky you’re cute.” She grumbled. He shifted beside her and laughed. “You are awake!” 

“I always wake up when you move around a lot. I’m a lighter sleeper than you realize.” He laughed again, but kept his eyes closed. Hera couldn’t bite back her smile when she nestled into the crook of his neck. He stiffened and pulled her in tightly. “I’m sorry, Hera. I hate myself for what I said to you, and I will never forgive myself for it, but I need you to know I didn’t mean any of it. I know I don’t deserve you, but I promise I will spend the rest of my life trying, if you let me. But you should never have walked back into this.” 

“Why? Are you saying it’ll happen again?”

“No, but you deserve better. I don’t know why you came back.” 

“You’re an idiot, Kanan.” Hera sighed and rubbed her eye. 

“I know.”

“But you’re my idiot. You never lost me, I just needed you to understand. I went from being on the verge of telling you I had feelings for you,” understatement, but okay, whatever, not the point, “to that. It was whiplash and I knew you were drunk and that the whole strictly-sexual thing had been bothering you, but…” Hera groaned. 

“But that didn’t soften the blow of me saying what I said.” Kanan finished. 

“Pretty much, yeah.” Hera watched Kanan’s face. He wouldn't look at her. His eyes kept darting across the room. Hera sighed and placed a hand on his cheek to get his attention. He hesitated, but shifted his gaze toward her. “Just don’t do it again. I practically had to physically restrain Sabine to keep her from kicking your ass.”

“General Skywalker sort of put the fear of god into me, and I would quite honestly take a beat down to having to go through that again.” 

“Wait, what?” Hera pushed herself away from Kanan and sat up abruptly. “General Skywalker? As in Anakin? Luke and Leia’s father, Anakin?”

“Leia didn’t tell you? Or Luke? I mean, I’m assuming it was Leia, it reeks of her M.O., and she’s the one that texted me after he left, but—“

“No. She didn’t.” Hera made a mental note to talk to Leia the next morning. Though she wasn’t sure if she wanted to thank her or yell at her. Probably both. 

“Well, there’s no getting chewed out like there is from a Four-Star General.” Kanan scratched his head. “Not that he’s the only thing keeping me from fucking up again; he’s not. Just...Generals always freaked me out so that was one hell of a tough love session.”

Hera let out a small laugh. She knew Anakin. He was intimidating and a little frightening in the first five minutes of knowing him, maybe. After that he was nothing but a slightly idiotic goofball. Luke and Leia were just two halves of his personality. People could never see past his uniform to realize that, though. But if he showed up at her dorm in uniform and proceeded to yell at her for an inordinate amount of time, she could see how he could be seen as scary. 

“But it’s what I needed to drag myself out of the self pity fest I was in, so whatever works.” Hera cupped Kanan’s chin and pulled him up into a kiss. He only froze for a split second before melting into it and Hera sighed contentedly because things felt right again. Hell, Kanan got overzealous and their teeth clashed together, but it only made her smile more. She was going to say it. She didn’t want to wait anymore; she couldn’t and she wouldn’t.

“What is it?” They pulled apart, but Hera wouldn’t look at Kanan so he frowned and tilted her chin up. “Hey. You okay?”

She smiled and moved his hand from her chin to her cheek before leaning into it.

“I’m fine,” she said, “great, actually.”

“You look like you’re about to shit your pants, though.”

Hera laughed and swatted his arm. “I’m not wearing pants, smartass.” He reached out and grabbed her hands from across the sheet. “I’m fine, Kanan. I just…” She closed her eyes. She knew she was making it much harder than it needed to be, and she was sick of it, so she laughed, more at herself than anything. “I love you.”

Kanan’s jaw dropped a little and he looked at Hera almost like he was trying to read whether or not she was fucking with him. Sure, by then they’d been involved in some way for what was it, four months by then? But it still caught Kanan entirely off guard. 

“You love me?”

She smiled and put her hand on his cheek, but didn't say anything else. He stared for a moment then realized she’s waiting for a response and shook his head almost as if he was trying to will some sense into his head.

“I love you, Hera.”


	16. Chapter 16

When Hera saw Leia in the quad the next day, she turned on her. Leia didn’t wait for an explanation; she didn’t need one.

“I was only helping my best friend! And this was over a month ago!” She said innocently, running from pillar to pillar. Hera scowled. “Also, Hera, frowning isn’t good for your face. But if you ask nicely, I’m sure Lover Boy over there could take care of—“

That did it and Hera sprinted toward her, but Leia jogged up a knoll, waving tauntingly behind her. 

“Kanan, do me a favor and order my coffee, because I don’t want you to see this.” Hera said, narrowing her eyes at Leia.

“What if I want to see it?” Kanan rubbed his chin and smirked.

“The only way you’ll see it is if you’re next, so, if you would go get that coffee, I’d really appreciate it. Don’t forget--”

“Six sugars, I know.” Kanan waved over his shoulder and made his way into the shop. “It ruins the damn coffee, but what do I know?” He murmured to himself.

“Kanan, I heard that!”

“Do you have superhuman hearing or something? Seriously, what is with you?” Kanan spun around in disbelief, shock apparent on his face.

“Just a bullshit detector, love!”

“You know,” Leia took a couple of cautious steps in Hera’s direction, “He wouldn’t look bad with a full beard. It would be an improvement to that damn goatee.”

This seemed to work in stopping Hera from seeking whatever revenge-gratitude whatever she’d been going for. She thought about it. Thought about it a little too much for being in public. She thought about when she certainly shouldn’t have been thinking about it in public. Oh, Kanan would look good with a full beard, all right. And she was going to make sure he grew one. 

“Never let anyone tell you you’re inconsistent, Syndulla.” Leia sighed and patted Hera’s shoulder as they made their way into the coffee shop.

“What are you talking about?”

“Tall people.” Leia made a show of having to tilt her head all the way back to look at Kanan.

###

Kanan and Hera were making out, Kanan pulled away.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m the shittiest person in the world.” Kanan pressed his forehead to Hera’s. Hera tensed up big time and had to physically will herself to breathe. There’s no way in hell he was doing it again...

“What do you mean?” She tried and failed to keep her voice steady, but at that point, she didn’t care.

“Because I should be happy as hell where I am right now because I’m with you and I absolutely love kissing you, I do, but I really, really want a drink right now.” Kanan wouldn’t look at Hera. He thought she was going to get mad or blow him off or leave him altogether. He wasn’t sure if he’d blame her. Instead, she let out a sigh of relief and put a hand on his cheek.

“That doesn’t make you a shitty person, Kanan. You’re fighting a severe addiction right now. You drank how much for how many years? Love, it’s not going to go away overnight. This is going to take some time. But you’re going to beat it.” Hera ran a thumb over Kanan’s cheek and smiled softly. “I believe in you, Kanan. You’re--we are going to get through this together, I promise.”

Kanan let himself smile a little but still wasn’t looking at Hera.

“You think so?”

She tilted his head so that he had to look at her and smiled.

“I know so. I love you, Kanan. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you, too.” Kanan grinned. “Can you read to me?”

Hera smiled. “Of course, love. Any special requests?”

“You could make your engineering textbooks sound good, so anything works, honestly.”

“Interesting theory,” Hera bit her lip thoughtfully, “let’s put that to the test.” She pushed herself off the couch and dug around her backpack.

“Wait, you’re serious?” Kanan smiled wide. Hera threw a smirk over her shoulder and pulled an especially thick book out of her bag.

“Completely. It’ll give me extra study time and now I’m curious to see if you’re right.” Hera laughed.

“I love your laugh. It’s my favorite sound in the world.” Kanan paused for a moment. “Actually—“

“Kanan Jarrus, I suggest you think very carefully about what you’re going to say next. Because if it’s some sex line, I swear to all that is holy…”

Kanan laughed, but didn’t continue. He really didn’t need to; Hera got the point and that was all he cared about.

“You should grow a beard--a full one.” Hera said thoughtfully.

“What’s wrong with the goatee?” Kanan asked, a clear sense of offense in his tone.

“I just think a beard would suit you better, that’s all.”

###

The next day after her Russian studies class, Hera literally barged into Kanan’s apartment. Chopper ran back into Kanan’s room, and Kanan was at his desk working on some paper about the Persian Empire that counted as part of his final. 

“I hate men.” She dropped her backpack and fell back onto the couch with a loud sigh.

Kanan didn’t argue because he wasn’t a complete idiot. “What happened?”

“I have a very important question for you.”

Kanan frowned a bit but nodded. “Okay, go for it.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Uh-oh, “but Solzhenitsyn was a far-right extremist who used the Archipelago as propaganda against the USSR and the book was never sound enough to be anything but a story, right?”

“Yeah. The subtitle of the book even calls it a ‘literary experiment’, and it was never truly meant to be a scientific or historical account of things. Hell, his own wife called him out on it and while data on prisons at the time isn’t totally solid, the book itself takes bullshit and runs with it and it really has no bearing on reality. The West just took it as fact because they wanted any reason to hate the Soviet Union, accurate or not. The Cold War was one hell of a drug. Why?”

“Would you mind telling my idiot Russian professor then?”

Okay, if Hera of all people didn’t want to personally argue it with the man, things must’ve gotten ugly.

“How bad was it?” He winced and finally moved from his desk to his couch to be closer to Hera.

“He used it as an example for why any idealization of the Soviet Union is invalid--nobody fucking does that in the first place, except for Tankies. Pointing out progressive policies is not idealization. Talking about the philosophy is something else entirely. We read some of the thing and it was so clear that it was bullshit propaganda, and I tried telling him that, hell, I cited the actual data and first-hand accounts, and the bastard basically told me to sit down and shut up because I ‘argue for the sake of arguing’ which is sort of true,”

Kanan didn’t argue with that--he wasn’t that stupid and he did not currently have a death wish.

“But then he said I shouldn’t get down on myself because as a woman, it’s in my nature.” Hera crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at the TV.

“Wait, wait, which professor was this again?” That got Kanan mad and he decided that if he’d had the professor in the past, he’d be paying him a special visit. Either that or he’d be talking to Professor Unduli, the head of the history department.

“Frost.” Hera blew a stray strand of hair out of her face. Kanan barked out a laugh.

“Horan, with that creepy ass mustache? Okay, now that makes sense. The dude was the biggest donor for the Brendol Hux campaign two years ago. He may have been his campaign manager, too, but I’m not sure. He’s far-right trash himself, so the fact that he’s glorifying Solzhenitsyn comes as absolutely no surprise to me. Hell, I’m pretty sure up until this year he was one of those religion profs that totally pushed his beliefs on the class and that’s why he’s no longer teaching in the subject.” Kanan sighed. “You’re absolutely right, though. He’s an idiot. Is he testing you guys on it?”

“No, but that isn’t the point, Kanan.” Hera frowned.

“Take it up with the department head. I know her and she wouldn’t put up with the blatant falseness, not to mention what he said to you. He needs to be reprimanded.”

###

That night Kanan and Hera had dinner with the Skywalkers. Padmémade a comment about how Luke wouldn’t shut up about Ezra, but he wouldn’t bring him over so she supposed an older brother would have to do. 

“Luke has spoken highly of you, Kanan. Ezra, too, but he has yet to bring him home.” She shot her son a look and he turned his attention to his plate, suddenly enamoured by the existence of peas. “Though I suppose Ezra’s older brother will do. Hera’s been talking about you since before Christmas, so it’s nice to finally meet you.”

Kanan raised his eyebrows and smirked at Hera. Since before Christmas? Hera hid her face and Kanan was very interested in the topic. They’d still just been fuck buddies back then, but she’d already told her best friend’s parents about him? Maybe she’d been more interested earlier than he originally thought.

“Did she now? She never told me that. Ezra’s a good kid, by the way. He’s a bit awkward the first time you meet him, but that’s just because he gets nervous. He’ll warm up pretty quickly, though. You’ll love him.”

“If he’s anything like you, I’m sure we will. It’s just a matter of Luke asking him.” She didn’t look at Luke that time; she didn’t need to. “How was your treatment?”

Anakin looked up from his plate for the first time and watched Kanan intently. Kanan tensed up, took a sip of his soda, and cleared his throat.

“It went well. Detoxing was hard, but the meds helped me through it. I quit my job at The Hill and applied at Jocasta’s instead. I figured a bar wasn’t the best place for me to work if I really wanted to stop drinking. I went to a lot of therapy, group and solo, and they set me up with a great therapist while I was there. He’s very kind and wise, but--”

“What’s his name?” Anakin asked suddenly. Kanan frowned.

“Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi.” He said cautiously. Anakin’s eyes widened and he burst into laughter. The “throw your head back, belly aching” kind of laughter.

“Of course you got landed with Obi-Wan. He was my commanding officer when I first joined the Army. Wonderful guy, we’re still close friends today. He went into psychology after deciding the military wasn’t the place for him. Fantastic leader, though. You’re in good hands with him, Kanan.”

Kanan smiled and nodded. Hera had been right about Anakin. Out of his greens, he was a really nice guy. Kanan was glad Hera had the support of the Skywalkers after moving away from Florida. They were all good people, really, and Kanan silently hoped he’d have a long time to truly get to know them all.

“You look athletic, Kanan. Play any sports as a kid?’ Anakin asked, sipping his water. Kanan nodded vigorously.

“I played lacrosse for about ten years with my buddy Sammo. I played soccer and basketball too, but only in pickup games, never part of a real league. Lacrosse was my true love,” He glanced at Hera, “At least, it was back then.” Leia rolled her eyes, but couldn’t hide her smile. Hera pretended she didn’t notice, but smiled down at her plate.

Anakin never mentioned Kanan’s Army days, and both Hera and Kanan were very thankful for the fact. Anakin was quiet for the rest of the dinner and Padmé mostly followed suit. Leia, however, did not seem to get the memo.

“So, Kanan and Hera,” She grinned devilishly, “I have a few questions about your relationship.”

Kanan turned pink but Hera just rolled her eyes because she knew getting a rise out of them was exactly what Leia wanted--she’d literally asked her about it the night before and Hera’d even answered all her damn questions--of which there were plenty. She wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d done the same to Kanan. 

“I’ll let you take that, love.” Hera sighed. Kanan gave her a panicked look before clearing his throat again.

“W-what are you wanting to know, Leia?” Kanan stammered.

“Oh, you know, intentions, cute shit you do, do you see yourselves getting marr--”

“Leia.” Hera and Padmé chided at the same time. Leia simply smiled and placed her hands in her lap. Luke was snickering by then and Anakin was watching them all with a confused look on his face. Padmé wasn’t surprised by any of their reactions. Leia was definitely her father’s daughter in that way.

###

Kanan woke up screaming and thrashing that night. The screaming woke Hera up before he managed to hit her that time.

“Kanan! Kanan, it’s okay, it was a bad dream. You’re okay!”

“No, I’m not. This one was worse.” He said hoarsely. “This one was so much worse.” His voice wavered and Hera pushed the hairs stuck onto his forehead with cold sweat away.

“Tell me.”

“I can’t. It was too bad.” His voice cracked and it broke Hera’s heart. 

“Kanan, you can tell me anything.” She replied softly. Kanan looked at her for a minute. He looked like he was falling apart. He took a deep, shaky breath.

“It was the ambush dream. It started out normal. They all jumped down, I took out the first four. Then I aimed at the last one, but it was you.” He frowned and shook his head. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill you. And then Krell came forward. He grabbed you. He had his arm across your chest so you couldn’t get away and you were kicking and then he put the gun to your head and he had that horrible toothy-ass smile then he looked right at me. He looked at me and then he shot you. And then everyone around us disappeared and it was just me and you but you were dead in my arms.”

“Kanan, it’s okay. It was just a dream. I’m right here.” Hera scooted so that she was pressed right up against him. “It wasn’t real.”

Kanan’s eyes searched Hera’s face and Hera would’ve bet money he was trying to decide if she was really there. It was a terribly painful look and it broke her heart even more. She grabbed one of his hands and placed it on her chest, over her heart.

“Feel that?” She asked softly. Kanan frowned but nodded. “I’m right here. It was a nightmare. I’m okay and so are you.”

Kanan let a slow breath out and nodded. He ran his thumb over the dip between her breasts a few times, as if he needed to confirm it. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Nightmares happen, Kanan. But I will always talk you through them.”

“Thank you, Hera. I’m lucky as hell because nobody grounds me better than you do.”


	17. Chapter 17

Hera looked up from her book--some old Lenin piece she’d read a thousand times before--and watched Kanan from over her glasses. Kanan loved when she did it and it quickly became a habit. Kanan was frowning and rubbing his hands together somewhat nervously. 

“What?” She asked pointedly.

“You should wear glasses full-time.” Kanan said, almost breathlessly.

“So you want me to have worse eyes? Really?” The corner of Hera’s mouth tweaked up into s soft smile.

“Well, no, but you look really, really good in glasses.” Kanan argued. Hera cracked up. Kanan always managed to make her laugh harder than anyone else could.

“You want me to get fake glasses, then?”

Kanan shrugged and Hera laughed again.

“You are really lucky you’re cute, Kanan.” Hera kissed the tip of his nose and went back to her book. 

“When’s the next protest?” Kanan asked, propping his head up on his hand. 

“You want to go?” Hera sounded surprised, but she really wasn’t. She’d noticed Kanan had been getting more into the swing of protests and the fact that he missed him simply caught her off guard.

“Yeah, I love going to them with you. It’s fun!”

Hera took a minute to consider just how different Kanan was from Edon. He was supportive and had never tried holding her back, even when the conditions were dangerous, he wanted to go with her, and he’d even taken his own time to read up on Marxist and Leninist theory and had legitimate discussions about it with her. And not to mention the sex.

But it was more than that. She felt free with him. She didn’t feel like she had to hold back (not that she really did with Edon), he encouraged her to follow her heart, hell, he even watched her favorite show with her every week even though he didn’t like it and he still managed to find a way to get involved with discussions on it. There was even the time he sat on the floor outside the bathroom door while she pooped for the first time in like a week because of that muscle relaxant from when she slipped her disc and said “You can do it! I believe in you!” through the door, but she did have to admit that was funny and a little endearing.

Most of all, she was happy. Truly, completely happy and content and comfortable for once.

Hera found that she loved going to protests with Kanan. He never got possessive or handsy with her, he never tried getting in front of her when she was on the front line, even when things got dicy. She suspected it would be a different story if there was a legitimate clash between the police and protestors, though He seemed perfectly happy letting her do her thing and simply cheering her on. He always stayed close and appeared ready to spring at a moment’s notice. He constantly scanned the crowds and never seemed to relax, and Hera was sure that could be chalked up to his time in the Army. He all but refused to allow himself to get distracted for even a moment. He wasn’t overbearing, he was watchful, and Hera appreciated that about him. 

“I don’t have any lined up, but I’ll look around. Just try not to get yourself arrested this time.” Hera kissed Kanan’s temple, scratched the rapidly growing stubble appearing along his jaw (Leia had been very, very right), and went back to her book once again.

###

Kanan exhaled hard and let his thumb hover over the send button in his group chat with Zeb, Rex, and Sammo. He groaned and hit it.

Kanan: We should all talk. Come by my place in an hour?  
Rex: I suppose, Kanan.  
Sammo: I’ll be there.  
Zeb: Be there, mate.

Kanan watched the messages roll in and smiled. He owed them a thousand apologies. He didn’t expect them to take him back and he wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t. All Kanan cared about was patching things up with them. He desperately missed his friends and he needed them back. If anything, it solidified his commitment to never touch alcohol again. Not only had he nearly lost who he then regarded as the love of his life, but he’d lost every one of his closest friends, too. No drink was worth all of that.

They all arrived at one time just under an hour later. Zeb and Sammo’s hair were more vibrant, so he figured they must’ve just redyed it. 

“Hey, guys. Long time no see.”

“You look good, Kanan.” Sammo seemed surprised. “I mean I know it’s been a while, but what the hell happened to you?”

“Rehab.” Kanan shrugged. Rex’s eyebrows went up to his hairline and Sammo actually let his jaw drop. Zeb raised an eyebrow.

“So they finally got you, did they?” Rex chuckled.

“Yeah, Hera did. It was a huge mess, and Leia Skywalker sent her dad over at like four in the morning the night after that last set. It got to the point where even I couldn’t ignore my problem anymore so I went in.”

“You didn’t put up a fight?” Sammo raised his eyebrows and grinned. “I’m impressed, Kanan.”

“I owe you all a million apologies for the shit I pulled when I drank. It was more than that last set and I know it and I feel awful. I’m sorry, guys.” Kanan looked to the floor. The guys all chuckled and clapped Kanan on the back.

“Well if you’re not drinking anymore, the Lothwolves are in need of a new vocalist and guitarist. Think you’re up for it?” Zeb asked. 

“I’d be more than happy to offer my services.” Kanan laughed.

###

“That was really good.” Hera laughed and reached up to pat Kanan’s cheek a couple of times. He was lazily tracing the circles and lines of the tattoo on her shoulder while she lay on his chest. Hera noticed that he’d done it a lot since he got out of rehab.

“Glad to know you’re a fan of my work.” She could hear the smirk in the smug bastard’s voice. 

“May be a fan of it, but I really hate you sometimes.” She laughed and planted a kiss over his heart.

“Oh, thanks, I love you, too!” Kanan said sarcastically, but Hera could hear the smile in that, too. Hera sat upright.

“Bravo to your diet, too.” She laughed. Kanan frowned and snapped his head up and it definitely was not to check out Hera’s ass.

“What do you mean?” He asked. Hera simply laughed again and swiped one of Kanan’s oversized t-shirts from his dresser and threw it over her head.

###

Hera met up with Kanan, Leia, and Han in the student union and she brought a smoothie with her. The second she put it on the table Kanan swiped it and started drinking it like a madman. Hera swatted his arm and back so he turned away, Leia was cracking up throughout the exchange, then Hera finally reclaimed the smoothie. A third was missing and Kanan had a brain freeze. He groaned and pressed his fingers into his temples.

“You deserve that, asshole!” Hera said, clearly displeased with the missing portion of the smoothie.

“Stick your thumb up against the roof of your mouth.” Han said with a smirk. Leia swatted his arm.

“Don’t help him, you jerk!” She said exasperatedly.

###

The next morning, Kanan woke up early to go get Hera a smoothie to make up for the day before and he didn’t even sip any before he gave it to her—along with a cinnamon crunch bagel with strawberry cream cheese, her absolute favorite. She tore off a piece for him. 

“Lick the cream cheese off. The strawberry kind is gross.” He scrunched his nose up.

“And me licking it off is less gross?”

“Hera, I’ve had your tongue in my mouth more times than I can count. It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before.” He laughed. Hera was certain he set that up on purpose, so she glared at him, but started licking the blasted cream cheese off.


	18. Chapter 18

The next couple of months were relatively uneventful by Hera’s standards. More lacrosse games, both spectating the Voles and playing with Kanan, a few picnics, and a couple of protests sprinkled here and there. She spent a lot of time with Ahsoka planning the various details of Steela’s fundraiser. 

Hera has plans to go to a women’s protest with the girls the next state over. It comes time to tell Kanan and she’s wary. She wasn’t sure why, exactly. It wasn’t like she thought Kanan would get mad or pull an Edon or anything like that. Maybe she was afraid he’d slip up. She’d only be gone until 9, 10 P.M. at the latest, but Kanan slipping up and having a drink had quickly become one of her biggest fears. He hadn’t touched the stuff in the two months since his release, but he’d had more than one close call.

“Kanan, tomorrow the girls and I are headed over to a Women’s March out east. We should be back by midnight.”

“That sounds really fun! I’m sure you guys will have a great time.” Kanan grinned.

“You want me to go?”

“Yeah! I mean, be careful, of course, I don’t want you to get hit with tear gas or arrested again, but I’m all for it. Why wouldn’t I be?” Bless him, the man was actually serious.

“I didn’t know if you’d want me to go without you.”

“I’m always willing to go with you, but this time it’s a Women's March and that’s not my space. It’s yours. But I will be in your corner from here. Go out there and kick some misogynist ass, sweetheart.” Kanan grinned and kissed her on the cheek. 

###

Ahsoka, Sabine were in the car. Hera could tell Sabine was complaining already and it made her smile. She hung back and pulled Kanan toward a tree. It was finally truly nice out; the false spring had passed halfway through April and the trees were turning green, but Hera still stole his hoodie for the trip. Kanan seemed confused, but still was smiling down at her. He’d done a lot of smiling since he’d met Hera.

“Don’t worry about me, Hera. I’m gonna be okay. I have you and Sammo and Rex and Zeb and Ezra and--”

“Your sponsor?” Hera offered and raised an eyebrow. She would’ve preferred Kanan had mentioned him first, but he did make a good point of having an extensive support system and she was very thankful for that. 

“Yeah, of course. Point is, I have an entire damn army at my disposal. You’ll only be gone until tonight. I can manage.” Kanan rubbed the back of his neck. He seemed confident, and that was enough for Hera.

Then they were both grinning, Kanan kissed her, and Ahsoka started laying on the horn, while Sabine whooped, and Kaeden--Kanan was pretty sure she was Ahsoka’s girlfriend, but neither really confirmed or denied it--told them to cut the “hetero shit”. Hera rolled her eyes, kissed Kanan one more time, and they were off. Kanan watched them drive away like a dope.

While they were all gone, Leia showed up at Kanan’s and a brief moment passed where he had a sinking feeling that she was going to kick his ass. Kanan was far more afraid of Leia than he was of Anakin; by a very long shot. He was man enough to admit it. And for good reason: girlfriends’ best friends could be powerful allies, but making enemies with a girlfriend’s best friend was basically a death sentence. 

Leia noticed Kanan’s unease, but didn't comment on it. She was more amused by it than anything. She rested easy knowing he was at the very least smart.

“Hera’s graduation is coming up and my family is hosting a party for her.” She said as Kanan closed his front door. He pondered it for a moment. Why would Leia come all the way across town to tell him that when Hera could?

“Does she know?” Kanan raised an eyebrow.

“Sort of. She thinks it’s just going to be dinner with my family, and I’m assuming she’s planning on bringing you, too.” She gave him a look but that was it. Kanan wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“But it’s going to be a full party and you don’t want me telling her.” Kanan finished and crossed his arms.

“Well, yes. You’re perceptive, Jarrus. But I also need a favor from you.” There it was.

“I’m listening…”

“I want your band to play. And I want to pick which songs you’re going to perform.” Leia said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kanan frowned. That was it?

“You’re meddling again.” It wasn’t a question.

“It worked last time, didn’t it?” Leia smirked.

“Okay...am I missing something?” Kanan scratched the back of his head, just under his ponytail. He wasn’t sure why Leia felt the need to meddle in the first place. Sure, she had a reason when she sent Anakin to do her dirty work, but things were fine after that. He and Hera hadn’t fought once since he finished his treatment, and as far as he knew, she was happy. She acted happy, anyway. Kanan felt a sudden wave of panic wash over himself.

“There is another thing.” She grabbed him roughly by the collar of his shirt and yanked him down so she could whisper in his face. “You ever pull any stupid stunts like that again, and I will not be sending my father because I will not pass up the opportunity to beat your face in with my own damn hands.” She let him go and smiled sweetly. “I’ll text you later with a list of songs!” The door closed only to open right back up. “How do you react to people hitting on Hera?”

“What are you planning, Skywalker?” Kanan narrowed his eyes. 

“Nothing there. I’m just curious, she doesn’t really talk about that sort of thing.” Leia shrugged nonchalantly.

“I let her handle and when she gets sick of it, I step in. She’s too independent to want or need me to, no matter how much I’d like to from the start.”

“Good little hippie.” Leia patted his shoulder and left. 

Kanan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Yes, he was definitely far more afraid of Leia than he was of Anakin. The only person he was even more afraid of was Hera when she was angry.

Then he had an oh shit moment when he realized that Hera would be graduating in two weeks and she hadn’t talked about where she would want to live. There, or back to Florida, or somewhere else entirely. In fact, he’d tried bringing it up and she seemed to actively avoid the subject. That could only mean something bad for him, right?

Then he sighed. Screw it. He didn’t care because he’d decided he’d follow Hera anywhere, as long as she’d have him.

Kanan hoped she’d have him. 

###

Kanan took the stage that had been (rather crudely) set up in the park across the street from the Hill Valley student union. There were more people than he’d thought there’d be and he felt pride for Hera swell in his chest. She’d pulled off the fundraiser all right, and she did it better than anyone had imagined. She tended to exceed expectations that way. It was his first time taking the stage with the Lothwolves again, not counting rehearsals. Kanan was nervous, but his excitement overpowered it.

The set went off without a hitch, and even Rex, Zeb, and Sammo clapped when they finished. Kanan’s return was victorious indeed. Kanan frowned as a guy around his age jumped onto the stage and approached the mic stand. Kanan had seen him before, he was sure of it. The guy took the mic off the stand and cleared his throat.

“My name is Saw Gerrera. Steela was my sister.” He paused. “Steela would be proud of Hill Valley today. You, the students, not the administration who so graciously denied us permission to hold this event on the quad. But she wouldn’t want the money. She wouldn’t want a physical memorial to her. That sort of thing was unimportant to my sister. That’s why I have decided to take the proceeds from today’s fundraiser and turn it into a scholarship for an incoming freshman of color. That is what Steela would have wanted. And that, my friends, is what we are going to do. Thank you all for living in Steela’s memory.”

A loud round of applause erupted from the crowd. Kanan searched the crowd for Hera and saw that she was smiling--hard. And so was he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lothwolves' Fundraiser Set:  
> We'll Always Have Paris--Capstan  
> Four Became One-Hawthorne Heights  
> Rebel Heart--The Shelters  
> American Idiot--Green Day  
> Zombie--DREAMERS (Originally by The Cranberries)


	19. Chapter 19

Kanan and Hera did finally go on a double date with Luke and Ezra. If anything, Luke was more excited than anybody else. Luke insisted they go to “the adult version of Chuck E. Cheese!”, so they did. Kanan was a little less excited about that part because he had a feeling Hera would best him at every game they went head-to-head on. Not that he minded, of course, Hera was far more competitive than he was and she did not like losing, so she just didn’t. Kanan thought he’d be able to handle that for (hopefully) the rest of his life. It was a small sacrifice to make for Hera.

“Are you even trying, Kanan? That was so easy!” Hera laughed. Kanan scowled and looked at the floor.

“I was and you know it. You’re just gloating.” He paused. “Hey, come here for a second.” He nodded toward a spot between a couple of games. Hera frowned but followed him.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, rubbing his arm. He was staring at her with his “gassy baby” face--faint smile, intently focused eyes. Because when he was actively thinking about it, Kanan’s “I love Hera Syndulla” face absolutely resembled a baby with gas or a baby about to blow out their diaper. It just did. Kanan kept looking at her for a few seconds before he seemed to snap back to real life and he kissed her on the cheek. 

“Nothing.” His cheeks pinked a little and he looked to the floor. 

“Kanan…” Hera raised an eyebrow and set her hands on her hips.

“I just love you and I realized I hadn’t said that or really gotten a good look at you today and I needed to change that.” Hera’s face softened and she pushed Kanan’s chin up so that he had to look at her and she smiled. He was being totally serious and although she was no longer surprised by how soft he could be, it still sometimes caught her off guard. 

“I love you, too, Kanan.” They stood like that for a few moments before Kanan seemed to pop back in again and he put his hand on her back to lead them back to Luke and Ezra, who were decidedly not focused on the games and were nothing short of all over each other. 

“Feeling each other up in public is frowned upon, guys.” Luke and Ezra jumped apart. 

“Says the guy that just came back from--” Ezra split into a wide grin. Kanan shot him a glare and interrupted him by clearing his throat. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but Kanan didn’t put up with anybody talking about Hera like that, joke or not. That tended to be the only time he got legitimately angry at his friends, or in this case, family.

“Choose your next words very carefully, Bridger.” He warned in a low tone. 

“Don’t need to. You got the point.” Ezra shrugged and went back to some ticket wheel game. Kanan flicked his head and sat back down. Hera rolled her eyes at the exchange, but slipped her hand over Kanan’s. His face softened and he sat up straighter.

###

“Love, can you hand me my phone charger?” Hera asked, hand already held out. Kanan rolled his eyes and began the tedious task of retrieving the jack end of Hera’s seven foot charger cord.

“I don’t know why you need such a long cord, Hera.”

“So I can do this.” She grinned, plugged her phone in, and settled back into her side of the bed.

“Or, I don’t know, you could get a regular one and plug it in on your side of the bed.” He grumbled.

“This is more fun.”

###

Graduation ceremonies were boring. Kanan had discovered that with his high school graduation, but college graduations were ten times worse. At least, until they called Hera’s name and he yelled so loud his voice went hoarse for a few moments. Hera had quite the number out to support her. The twins, Anakin and Padmé, Ezra (much to Padmé’s favor), Ahsoka and Kaeden--Kanan decided they were most definitely dating-- even Sammo, Rex, and Zeb and his boyfriend Alex came--though Zeb tended to call him Sasha. And then there was Kanan, of course. His mother even insisted on coming. Hera’s dad didn’t go, but Kanan knew that was more Hera’s choice than his, and he didn’t push the subject with her. She’d talked about her dad a few times before, and the relationship seemed very strained; she hadn’t seen him since she left for school four years earlier.

Hera’s graduation party at the Skywalkers’ was fun. The Lothwolves played about a half hour after everyone arrived and it was a much larger party than Kanan had expected. It didn’t really surprise him, though. Hera had the tendency to affect a lot of people’s lives in very positive ways. It was one of the things he loved the most about her.

After his band played, Kanan pretty much jumped right off the stage to go be with Hera. No one else was playing after them so there was no rush to clean up right away. Kanan and Hera mingled and Kanan noticed there was no booze whatsoever, and he was confused and admittedly a little distressed. Hera noticed--she’d secretly asked Leia to keep liquor far away from the party--though at that point she still thought it would just be the dinner-- but Anakin had already arranged for it to be that way. 

Kanan was also mildly upset the whole time because he didn’t know what the hell was going to happen with them. He knew she wouldn’t make any decisions based on him, but that wasn't his issue. He would never in a million years expect her to. It was her life. After a while, Hera caught on and pulled him aside to ask about it. He beat around the bush for a few minutes, which started annoying Hera, which was the last thing he wanted, so he finally came out and asked and Hera laughed. 

“What’s going to happen to us when you graduate?” Kanan asked softly.

“What do you mean?” Hera frowned and crossed her arms. 

“Us. Like, if you move for a job, I’ll go with you i-if you’ll have me. I’ll follow you anywhere but I need to know if you want me to.” Kanan wouldn’t look at her; he kept his gaze focused on his hands. Hera chuckled and took his hands in her own.

“I already signed a contract with the aero institution across town. I also signed up to get my pilot’s license.”

“You’re staying here?” Kanan broke into a smile. He wouldn’t have to transfer schools--if she wanted to stay with him, that is.

“Well, maybe,” She started. Kanan frowned. “You want to help me look for apartments?”

“No.” A slow smile split across Kanan’s face. Hera frowned.

“There’s a because in there, don’t worry!” Kanan laughed and Hera frowned harder and Kanan rolled his eyes. “Why get your own place when you practically live with me already anyway? I mean, Chopper seems pretty happy at my apartment. You wouldn’t want to uproot him.” Yes, bring in the cat that already barely tolerated him. It wasn’t Kanan’s best argument, but it was one that made Hera laugh.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” She grinned and nudged him, then she pulled him into a brief hug. “Come on, we have a party to get back to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grad party setlist:  
> Safety Pin-5SOS (Leia said playing more 5sos made the relationship come full circle)  
> Misfits T-Shirt-DREAMERS  
> Sweet Disaster-DREAMERS  
> Safe and Sound-Tonight Alive  
> End Up Here-5SOS  
> Everywhere-Yellowcard (Originally by Michelle Branch)


	20. Epilogue

Five years later...

Hera studied Kanan carefully before she ran a soft hand down his cheek and gave him a quick peck.

“You’re nervous.” It wasn’t a question. Kanan smirked but let out a shaky breath.

“That obvious?” He asked.

“To me? Yes.” Hera scratched his beard and smiled. “Look, we have ten minutes. That’s ten minutes for you to breathe and relax. And it’s going to be okay, I promise. It’s going to be worth it.”

Kanan nodded and bit his lip. Hera was right, of course. He knew that. She usually was and he’d accepted that a long time ago, but that didn’t make it automatically easier, no matter how much Hera wished it would. It kept Kanan quiet for a good eight minutes, though. Then he started up again.

“What if I can’t do it?”

“You can. I know you can. I know it’s big and I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, but you can do this.” Hera ran her fingers down the back of Kanan’s neck. He loved when she did it and she knew it, so she made sure to do it whenever his anxiety got the best of him. Kanan thought for another minute and a half, but kept his eyes on the clock.

“But what if--”

Hera smiled and held a finger up to his lips.

“There are no what-ifs here, love. You can do this. You’re going to do this. I’m going to be right beside you the whole time.”

The clock changed and Kanan closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath.

“You’re five years dry, Kanan. I’m proud of you.” Hera kissed his cheek. He grinned and twisted his wedding ring around his finger. He’d picked up the habit the day they’d gotten married and it was one Kanan absolutely loved because it served as a reminder that they’d made it and that grounded him better than anything else. Hera was right. She’d never given him any reason to doubt her, and that’s how three years prior, he’d trusted his gut and proposed, despite the time Hera’d gone on about how she’d never marry before she was thirty. Hell, at one point she’d also said she’d never date someone who had been in the military, and look at how that one turned out.

Five years without alcohol had been hard; some days were worse than others. It also marked five years with Hera, and those had without a doubt been the best five years of Kanan Syndulla’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone that stuck with this! I really appreciate it. Carry on, comrades. Also, I have been waiting to incorporate "Kanan Syndulla" into a fic for like 84 years now and I'm glad I finally did it.


End file.
